Emotionally Abusive Fiance

Hi....I feel like I'm stuck in that eternal push/pull. I hear the cries of all those "experts" (including friends and family and T) that try to make me feel like an idiot for not leaving......"Why would ANYONE stay in something like that??! Do you have low self esteem or something?" Where is the middle ground? Those who know? Those who listen?

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

She is just learning how to use this for coping with her anger. I can feel empathy for you. I married a woman like this who is seasoned. I did see one instance while we were dating but didn't see it as I can now. These personality's will strip you of your self esteem and when they get you down they kick you to keep you there so your easy to control.

First and foremost, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! It is so difficult to believe that when you are in a abusive relationship. The second thing that is just as hard (if not harder) is YOU ARE WORTHY!
I'm so very sorry that you are in this situation. I've been there, hon. It's not easy. Sometimes people stay in bad relationships because they think it's easier than starting over or being alone. Take it from someone who has been through it..it's better to leave, that's not to say it isn't hard because it is! But, you are already reaching out and getting support so you are ahead of the game so to speak. I hope this helped a little.

Hi,

I am sorry for what you are going through. Are you still in the relationship?

As you have seen - I have been there. People truly do not understand abuse. They don't understand the "why's" or "how's" and as a result send back a lot of feedback that unfortunately amounts to victim blaming. This works in the abusers favor of course, which, in turn, is part (not all) of what keeps a person in the abuse. It goes on though long after the abuse is over - simply because, like I said, people don't understand.

The "middle ground" you speak of - has to come from within. As crazy as that sounds, until you start loving yourself enough to be willing to stand up for yourself even a tiny bit - nobody will treat you with respect. And by standing up for yourself, I don't mean by using threats or by supplying excuses, but merely by standing your ground without yelling or using any kind of agression or showing any signs of submission. Once you start doing that - you will find people start listening. They suddenly want to know what happened and why it happened. When they say "but why didnt you just leave", you can put them in the same scenario you were in - let them feel a bit of the helplessness.

For example, I answer that now by saying: "I was afraid. For me. For my dogs. Even for him. What would you do if you were constantly being told the world would be better if you were not in it, that he would like to see you tortured, amongst many other deneaning things. Saw him demoralize you in front of mutual friends. Endured him persistently coming at you with weapons only to stop just before contact. Listened to threats he made upon yours and his lives. Watched him laugh at you while you cried. He controlled all the money.
Your friends had long since left for reasons varying from lack of communication to inaccurate half truths told to them by him. When you tried to tell people (even family or cops) about these things, they either did not believe you, told you it wasn't that bad - or said "can you show me something to prove any of this?" How would you react to knowing you had nobody to turn to for help, no resources, and a lot of questions as to if leaving is even the "smart" thing to do. After all, it wasn't always bad - maybe it can be good again and you won't have to worry about all this. What if you leave and he sees you leaving and hurts you? Hurts himself? Hurts the dogs? What if you get out there and can't find a way to get anywhere? What if he tracks you down? What if you do this and you can't see it through? ... These are all things that go through your mind while making the decision. Yes, the abuse is bad. Making the decision to get out is just as bad. So - what would you do, with no friends, no family, no backup, no money really ... and no way to horde money without him realizing it. How would you get out - or would you?"

It's a long answer, some get mad at me and tell me so "I just asked why you didn't leave. I didn't need a lecture." But then I just say "now you see the frustration I feel". To which they either stomp away too mad to talk, say something smart like "yea cuz everything is all about you, isn't it?" or ask a question that opens a door for further conversation "what do you mean?". If the response is the last I will explain how it feels to be constantly second guessed about how severe the abuse was or if it even happened or if I somehow deserved it or questioned in an accusing way as to why I didn't leave sooner. That reply opens up their eyes and hearts. Some are ready for that, some aren't. The ones who aren't respond negatively. The ones who are become very supportive.

But the first step comes from within. Self love. Self respect. Start rebuilding the self esteem.

It's crazy and mixed up and shouldn't be like that - but for now anyway, it is.

Here is a video you can guide people to that keep asking that infernally aggravating question "why dont you just leave?"

Definitely abuse.

If you are trying t o figure out how to leave her, really you need to do it and do it fast. I know money wise, that is very difficult. But in comparison to the way you have been living, having to live at a lower standard will still be a relief.

You don't need to give her a long drawn out explanation. You don't need to give her apologies or promises, or listen to her crap and all the horrible things she will certainly say to you.

Make a list of the things you absolutely need to take. The things you definitely want to take. the things you hope to take. The things that would be nice, but you aren't attached to. And the stuff of yours you don't care about.

Find a friend or family member who is willing to store things for you that she won't notice are missing, particularly from the "need" list and the "definitely want" list. Perhaps there is an affordable storage center.

Make sure you have all the necessary paperwork and forms you will need stored somewhere safe you can access.

Actually here is a good checklist and guide, tailored to men leaving an abusive wife. You don't have to go through a divorce, which I suppose is at least a tiny bit easier.

Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist

Although she has not been physically abusive, do not underestimate the possibility that she could become physically violent. Make sure to take the precautions to ensure your physical safety.

Personally I recommend physically packing and leaving while you are home alone, and after you are in a SAFE location inform her that you have left and will not be returning.

Good luck. Stay safe. Going through this sucks, but you'll be OK. You can do this.

Sorry, I see you already left her in your updates. excellent! Congratulations

So, a little update almost four months on.

I am feeling better about myself and really see (with the help of everyone on here) just how much I was being abused by her (I do suffer from low self-esteem.)

I am now in a new relationship with a lovely woman who is completely different to my ex and understands what I've been through having gone through similar with her ex.

Thank you so much for the lovely reply. That did help a lot.