Relative thinks me being gay is worse than me being abused...

I had a talk with my grandma last night (my emotional abuser) about me being molested as a kid because we never really had a full discussion about it or why she convinced my mom not to confront my perpetrator's family. She came up with a bunch of excuses that were all my fault ("You didn't tell us on the same day" "You didn't say she ACTUALLY did anything to you, just that she told you to undress" (this I don't remember because I could have sworn I did but maybe I just told them that), "I thought that girl [my perpetrator]was just joking". At one point she told me that I had to stop living in the past and going to my survivor meetings were pointless because, "You guys just sit around and talk about that? What's the point? Why can't you guys just let it be in the past?" I tried to get her to realize that the repercussions affect you for your life in many areas. Didn't work.

We were also talking about me being gay. Then with the gay conversation, she said a lot of homophobic things I won't go into.

Then we were talking about how bad it was that that happened and how we didn't understand how it happened. I'm thinking we're talking about the molestation thing and she says, "I still can't believe it happened. I still can't believe you're gay". I said, "Wait, THAT'S what you were just talking about? Not me being molested?" She said, "Well, that's in the past so there's nothing we can do but you're gay NOW".

She thinks me being gay is worse than me being molested. She thinks I should leave that in the past.

However, RIGHT after she said that, she made the conversation about herself and started talking about things that happened to her 30, 40, 50 years ago that she couldn't let go.

So I said, "I...I thought we were talking about me?" And she said, "We're done talking about you. Now we're talking about me."

I am so depressed and sad in this house and somehow this is all my fault. My mom is mad at me for having this conversation. I know she loves me but I am surprised at her anger. My feelings don't matter and I know some people will say I was in the wrong. But I will go down thinking I was right because no one in this family confronts anyone. Instead my mom and grandma both talk to me about one another behind their backs. It's been like that since I was a little kid and it's still like that and I'm 25.

I have never been so depressed. I've never felt so alone and so empty. My feelings really do not matter.

I normally welcome feedback but I really don't want to be judged in this because I was judged in another forum implying that my family dynamics is my fault and I don't want that to happen here because I am too distraught for anyone to say it's my fault this time. I'm sorry if that sounds rude or harsh but I don't think I can take it right now.

I need a mental health walk-in clinic right now because my therapist is only at the center once a week but I can't find any in my areas. I guess I'll have to wait until Monday.

If you read this, I appreciate it.

It's not your fault for being gay nor is there a problem with it.

It also isn't your fault for enduring what you did in your past.

It's her fault for being a homophobic bigot who can't evolve into the 21st century and accept how the world really works and adapt accordingly rather than clinging to her obsolete ways of thinking.

Her kind is like the floppy disk and the old school retro computers: relics of another age that are obsolete and no longer practical for the modern age and thus, need to be discarded and replaced.

Don't let her ignorance bother you.

You are not at fault.
You deserved to have someone "on your side" as a kid, and you deserve it now. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. I had to face that reality too. (I have a completely different set of circumstances but I neither had anyone there for me as a kid nor now as an adult.) That being the case, you need to focus in on you. How healthy is it to continue relationships with each of these people? Do they hurt you everytime you talk to them? Do you need to remove them completely from your life (at least temporarily)? Do you need to place limits on the contact/communications? Go to whatever meetings or counseling you need and dont feel bad nor apologize for it - you deserve happiness n healthiness too, no reason you cannot do whatever it takes to get there. As far as who you love or dont love - those are your personal decisions and it's your life and again - your happiness - that is affected by it, so don't let others cause you to feel you need to apologize for that either. ❤

One thing I learned long ago that I try to pass on:

You can change yourself, not others - and you should not try, doing so will lead to aggravation and other negative emotions. Nor should others attempt to change you - for the same reasons.

You can change your actions.
You can change how you think and what you think.
You can change what you believe.
By doing these things you then change your emotion as well.
So you have complete control over yourself.
Others can only have control if you allow it, thus..trying to change you should cause them frustration while you, no pain.

You just need to take back control - and I know thats hard ❤

Thank you.

I agree. I can't believe that she doesn't like gay people because she saw a few gay people who she didn't like and made generalizations on the whole queer community based off of 3/4 gay men she met in her entire life. I told her, "That's exactly like when people look at us and don't like us because we're black because they knew a black person who wasn't nice." She said it's not the same. >___> She's a bigot through and through and she'll never change. She's also a huge narcissist so that makes it worse...Thanks a lot for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Well, I'll never cut off contact with my mom because she's actually a great person who sacrificed a lot for me and who has been always there for me emotionally. She's really helping me out now that I'm trying to find a job. She isn't pressuring me to move out. We love each other very much so cutting her out of my life is a huge no no because her main problem is that she is very naïve and she wants to believe that her mother is a fragile old lady. The issue with my mother is that she was also abused by my grandmother and she's looking for the love and relationship she didn't get to have with her mother. So it's making her blind towards all of the crap that my grandmother ACTUALLY does. She knows it, she just constantly uses the excuse that my grandmother is old. I'm defensive of my mom because she's not abusive but she IS like an ostrich with her head stuck in the sand. She's almost childlike in her belief that everyone is a good person deep down.

My grandmother on the other hand is a narcissist who had to make everything about her and who thinks her problems are worse than anyone else's and who belittles you. Nothing you do is right, she's always right, you're always wrong and she is just...horrible. My mom switches from believing she's a good person to truly seeing who my grandma is. She just constantly tries to forgive her but then she gets angry.

I still live at home because I just graduated and it's hard finding a job in my city, whether it's retail or a job in my field...So right now going no contact with my grandmother isn't an option. I just stay in my room, which is the best I can do. =/ But I have a strong feeling that she is going to pass away before I move out. She has deteriorated too fast in a short amount of time.

The problem with my family is that no one confronts anyone. My mom is way too passive and my grandma is afraid to express her feelings so she runs away from them. I'm the only one who asks questions, tries to get to the bottoms of things. I'm actually more mature than both of them (I hope that doesn't sound conceited). But I'm not trying anymore. I'm done. They can solve their own problems. It's not my job to fix this family.

And I actually stopped going to the meetings because the people there were racist and transphobic. =/ It wasn't a good environment for me. I'm trying to find another meeting that's more welcoming.

Taking back control is very hard but I'm going to keep what you wrote in mind and try very hard. ❤ I believe once I move out it'll be a lot better for me. It's just what my grandma said was like a punch in the throat. It really hurt and the sad thing is she didn't realize she was saying hurtful things.

Thanks a lot for giving me advice. I appreciate it!

You're welcome ❤

I am glad your mother is a good support for you at least.

Taking back control is never easy, but at least you are accepting of the idea - that shows a lot of strength and courage. I have a lot of faith in you that you can do this ❤

As far as jobs...have you tried applying at temp agencies? You can apply for "temp to hire" jobs through a temp agency which means they are jobs which only employ their employees if they like the work they have done at their company while working there through a temp service. You can also apply for jobs that are strictly one day long. Its all up to you what kind of job you want when you go to a temp agency, you fill all that information in. It may help get you back on the work force?

As far as confrontation - stay focused on you n what's best for you ❤

starryprince I'm so sorry to read about what you've been going through, and what you have to put up with, due to the fact that you're stuck living at home.

You are absolutely right: you are NOT responsible for fixing your family's dysfunction. It's not your fault that your grandmother is a racist, homophobic bigot, or that your mother is walking on eggshells around her own mother, while she tries to support her son.

All you need to do is worry about helping yourself right now. You don't need to get "control" over your grandmother or mother or anyone else. Control of the situation? You already have it, just by being aware that the source of toxicity in your house is your grandmother, and the way you bravely confronted her for a conversation to gauge whether or not she could give you support.

I commend you for doing that. That takes guts. At least you found out, no, she's not capable of being a rock of emotional support for you. So now you don't have to let that consume your energy anymore. You can reserve your energy on healing yourself. Don't worry about fixing anyone else. And you don't have to fix yourself either. You are perfect the way you are. Never forget that! Ok?!

Just know that you have support here on PC. There are people who care about what happens to you, so don't give that a second thought.

Your grandmother sounds like a narcissist, I agree. And unfortunately, narcissists are toxic to everyone's well-being because they are so disconnected from their own emotions, they can't possibly empathize with anyone else; hence why they emotionally abuse others. Staying in your room away from your grandmother is smart. So is leaving the house to go for walks, go to a coffee shop, the library, the movies, to hang out with friends. The less time you spend at home, the better. Until you can find a job and some roommates, try to structure your day with activities that keep you away from your grandmother.

Your mother sounds like she's caught in a rock and a hard place; she loves you (her son), and she feels guilty about her abuser (her mother), who happens to live with her. So, I can see why she feels torn. So, she is not the best person for you to go to for emotional support right now, at least until you can move out.

Can you try to find a GLAD support group or a PFLAG group (that maybe you can bring your mother too; forget about asking your grandmother she probably would just say no if you asked her, unfortunately). Check the local library for gay support group listings or local community centers or colleges/universities have groups for gay support. Sometimes, local hospitals offer support groups too. Just have to do some digging until you can find the right group to get emotional support from that you deserve and need.

I can relate to your situation, in that my grandparents were homophobes and racists. While I'm not gay, I did date outside of my race when I was younger and when I introduced several boyfriends like that to my grandmother, she grew so livid she'd return the birthday and Christmas gifts I'd bought her that year. She also emotionally abused me, the way she'd complain to me about how much she hated my mother, "She's not good enough for my son, your father.

I told him not to marry your mother but he didn't listen to me," and so on. She started that routine when I was in high school. I just didn't know I was being emotionally abused until much later. So, she was a narcissist, and raised two codependent sons, who both married horrible narcissists. When you start analyzing your family members, you will start to see a psychological pattern of types. It's very interesting.

But, back to your situation. I think going to a walk in clinic when you're feeling stressed is an awesome idea. I've done that a few times myself, when I felt so overwhelmed about situations in my life, that I needed a place to go in a hurry. Walk in counseling centers are a great resource in that case. It will give you support when you need it, until you can find a more regular support group to attend.

Just hang in there. Your living situation is temporary. You will find a job. You will find roommates (if you need to), to move into your own place. Lean on any friends you trust, for support. That's what some friends are for. And, go out and have fun with the other friends you have, to help you stay positive about your situation. It will get better. Just believe that.

I just need to clarify: my grandma isn't racist, lol. Just homophobic. I'm black and I was saying how the survivor's group I went to had members who were racist and they weren't aware of their racism. I'm also not a man, haha. My gender is complicated (I identify as nonbinary but I was assigned female at birth, so I'm going to start transitioning a little to get a more androgynous appearance, but a lot of people on here assume I'm a guy because of my username).

I definitely understand why my mom is torn. She feels obligated to take care of her because it's her mother. It's a very complicated situation to be in. But you're right: my mom needs her own therapist to work through her issues, and I need a new therapist because we're not seeing eye to eye right now. =/

I try to get out of the house. I like walking around, listening to music. The weather is getting nicer so I may go to a coffee shop and sketch people (as I've started drawing more). But I like being outside because my house feels like a box.

I'm sorry you had to deal with emotional abuse too. It's very difficult to come to the realization that you're being emotionally abused because the signs aren't that blatant. They're more subtle. It took me a very long time to realize I was being emotionally abused by my grandmother. Emotionally abuse has very bad effects in the victims and I wish it was spoken about more. I'm also sorry your family was racist...That's really awful.

I actually am waiting to hear back from a counseling center about a support group they have for people of color on the transgender spectrum. It should start up in June. So I'm excited for that.

Yea, I have an MA in counseling so I've been looking for therapist jobs and ever since I was in grad school I really started analyzing my family and it is very interesting to see the dynamics and how the cycle of abuse continues on and on until someone breaks it (my mom in this case).

And I actually couldn't find a walk-in clinic in my city. I tried looking but couldn't find any for mental health. There has to be something but I just couldn't find it when I needed it.

Thanks so much for the advice. I really am just trying to make it until I move out. =/ I'm hoping to find a job soon (a nice person on this thread recommended a temp agency which is a good idea) and hopefully I'll find my ideal job soon.

Hey starryprince, I have been reading your posts for a while and it is heartbreaking how you have been and are being treated. I am rooting for you. I hope your family will realize how alone they are making you feel and apologize some day.

Thank you so much! I always worry that I'm annoying the members of this forum by posting so much, but I really don't have anywhere else to post...Your support means a lot to me. My mom is really torn and (I know this will sound bad) but I think the only way we can be free of my grandma is when she passes...It's a horrible thing to say but the hold she has on us is too great and it's not easy break out of that grasp, you know? I'm hoping things will get better for me and my mom.

If you "annoy" someone here by posting about your problems, they can read something besides this. Post what ya need to. There are many here to support you. *hugs* I understand what you mean about your grandma. Just try to focus on you for now though *hugs*

I'm glad we can give you some support here.

We don't get to choose our family. Whomever we get shapes us. It isn't fair that you have to be the bigger person with your grandma, but that appears to be what the universe is asking of you. It is possible she cannot admit you were hurt under her watch because that would mean she failed to protect you. Maybe it is easier for her to believe you didn't need protecting. The denial of your needs and experiences is inexcusable. That is what I hope will break someday, even if it is not likely.

With difficult family members, I tend to compartmentalize them into what I like about them and what is toxic and may never change, because otherwise I could never have a relationship with them. It is the way I end up dealing with everything in life, really...

Of course, sometimes no relationship is best. When you can get out on you own you will have more control over whom can influence you, and that is something you can look forward to in the near future (economy withstanding...).

You are perceptive and conscientious, and it is no struggle to read your posts!

Thank you so much for this. It really helped make me feel better. This community is nicer than the other communities I've been a part of, and I think it's because people can actually relate to me on here in some way or another.

I agree with what you said about compartmentalizing. I've been trying to see the pros and cons of my grandma and I can't come up with any pros. She isn't a good person, and I feel pity for her as she's getting older but I also feel anger at the fact that she's going down and not admitting her wrongdoings. She has a different perception of her life with her kids and with me and my mom seems to come up with every excuse in the book to defend her on most issues. So it makes me feel alone, as if I'm the only person that can truly see who/how she is.

Things have gotten a bit worse in some ways, unfortunately.

I've noticed that my grandma will talk about her friends' children getting into romantic relationships or getting married, and my mom responds to it. I mention anything queer related and I get 1) shushed or given an intense look by my mom because she doesn't want my grandma to say anything bad and 2) my grandma literally looking like she wants to faint or throw up. So I've stopped saying anything. I have to whisper about those issues to my mom so my grandma doesn't hear. I have to whisper about how hard it is being black and queer in my own house. I can't talk about any parties I went to or anyone I'm interested in. But they can talk about other people's children and THEIR relationships and THEIR marriage.

It makes me feel like I'm a burden in my own home because I just make everyone uncomfortable.

So I really can't wait till I find a job and move out. It may take me a while before I move out but that's okay because at least I'll be free in the near future.

It's not easy being a gay transgender black person. Plus family dysfunction.

Do you have facebook? Here's a supportive facebook group with many other queer transgender people of colour. Many of whom have toxic family too.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/QTPOCsupport/

Thanks a lot for understanding. It is really tough and quite lonely. =(

I actually deactivated my Facebook a while ago because it was making me even more depressed, you know? But I was a part of a QTPOC group (I think it was a different one to the one you suggested) and I had to leave that one because there was drama among the members so it wasn't a safe space anymore.

But I may deactivate my FB to check out the group you suggested. I wish there was a forum outside of FB for QTPOC, you know? It'd make things less lonely.

It is definitely hard to find good forums outside of FB these days. Wish I knew of any for QTPOC because I prefer forums to FB groups as well.

I made an fake FB account for additional privacy.

Here's two other groups I lurk in which are pretty supportive:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/NYCQMH/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/307963232968333/

Starry Prince, I'm rooting for you. Do your best to get that job and live your life to the fullest. We don't choose who we love, we just love who we are programmed to love. That's the funny thing about love. It's the ultimate good and to shame someone for who they love and what they do behind closed doors is very intrusive. What some choses to do in the privacy of their home doesn't effect anyone else so why be bothered by it?

I am lending you and your mother a bit of my strength to manage until you are finally free from your Grandmother's iron fist. Remember, love rules!!

Thank you SO much for the kind words. I really appreciate them, especially now. I am really hoping that in the future, when I get a job and get stabilized, that my mom and I can live a peaceful life where we don't have to struggle to make ends meet. Thanks a lot!