Stupid Question, but am I being abused ?

cvoor · May 02, 2017, 08:30 PM

Hello, this is a stupid dumb question, but I need experienced opinons. I need to know if I'm being abused by my husband.
When he gets drunk, and we have a conversation, that makes him mad, it can be anything trivial, he doesn't like what I watch on tv, about my mom, his job, or when he calls me names, and I call him names back. He grabs my arms, pushes me against the wall, grabs my neck, until I can't breathe, then releases him grip, he punched me in the side and ribs this last time, then grabbed my neck, and said he could easily break my neck. He also has called me names, like idiot, dumb ***. Am I seriously being abused? Or over reacting, because it's only occasionaly not all the time.

Patagonia · May 02, 2017, 08:45 PM

YES you ARE seriously being abused! It doesn't have to happen every day. This is physical & emotional abuse.
Is he leaving any marks? What do you wanto do about this? Do you have a plan? Do you worry for your safety?

May 02, 2017, 08:58 PM

This is not a stupid question… And you are obviously being abused. It's so wrong for him to be doing that to you… Don't think for a second that it's okay. I'm so sorry he treats you this way.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 02, 2017, 09:03 PM

Yes - this is abuse, no matter the circumstances. If you fear for your safety (as I think you should if he is choking you til you cannot breathe), make yourself a "go bag". This is a bag with a couple changes of clothes, the items you may need to survive (like medications), any important documents you may need - hospital records, police or court papers, etc, a few toiletries (hairbrush, toothbrush), and any odds n ends you cannot do without.. Then call the nearest womens abuse shelter and plan a time you know he will be out of the house - once that time comes, grab your go bag, and go.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 02, 2017, 09:05 PM

Make sure to hide your go bag somewhere he will not see it but that will be easy to grab n go in case you have to leave ahead of schedule. If that happens, call the shelter asap after you are safe from him.

TrailRunner14 · May 02, 2017, 09:24 PM

Yes! Yes that is abuse! It's not a stupid question because I've had to try and understand what was acceptable and what was not, because of what I grew up in.

It IS abuse and I pray for safety for you and a revelation that it's not ok.

Sassandclass · May 02, 2017, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cvoor

Hello, this is a stupid dumb question, but I need experienced opinons. I need to know if I'm being abused by my husband.
When he gets drunk, and we have a conversation, that makes him mad, it can be anything trivial, he doesn't like what I watch on tv, about my mom, his job, or when he calls me names, and I call him names back. He grabs my arms, pushes me against the wall, grabs my neck, until I can't breathe, then releases him grip, he punched me in the side and ribs this last time, then grabbed my neck, and said he could easily break my neck. He also has called me names, like idiot, dumb ***. Am I seriously being abused? Or over reacting, because it's only occasionaly not all the time.

YES!!!!!!! You ARE being abused!! Find help in your area to help you. There are many many help organizations that can assist you. Google "woman abuse, domestic violence (and the name of your city)" to get a list of places that will get you the help you need.
But be careful about your husband. If you are afraid for your safety, do not tell him you're getting help.
Remember, NO ONE ever deserves to be abused. Please Get help.

Sending you hugs and support!!

cvoor · May 03, 2017, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patagonia

YES you ARE seriously being abused! It doesn't have to happen every day. This is physical & emotional abuse.
Is he leaving any marks? What do you wanto do about this? Do you have a plan? Do you worry for your safety?

Yes, he left some bruises on both arms, and a bruise on my back. But he usally does not leave any bruises or marks on me. This is the first time.

cvoor · May 03, 2017, 10:27 AM

He usually is drinking when this happens. The more drunk he gets, he can get mean, but not all the time. When he's not drinking, it usually does not happen, he just calls me names. Maybe it's because he's drinking.

cvoor · 12:36 PM

It's not easy for me to leave. I'm 58 yrs old, female, and stop working 8 yrs ago. We have a beautiful place, dogs. But I have no income, not working, so I have no where to go, no way of supporting myself. I don't want to go to family, they all have their own lives. So I'm unfortunately, dependent on him, home, financial. So this is why I have stayed.
.

Monarch Butterfly · May 03, 2017, 12:36 PM

Yes you are definitely being abused. I'm a domestic abuse survivor. He will continue to abuse you and it could be escalate. You mentioned you don't want to bother family. However if your family is supportive please contact them. I'm sure they would want to step in and help. I quit my job when I was with my abuser due to injuries caused by him. It was difficult leaving without an income. There are people out their who are willing to help and put you on the path to freedom. It will get better.

It's still abuse if he doesn't leave bruises ; pushing, shoving, threats.

I agree with others please don't tell him your thinking of leaving. Can you make calls from a trusted friend, neighbours cell phone, payphone?

Remember it's not you're fault.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 03, 2017, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cvoor

It's not easy for me to leave. I'm 58 yrs old, female, and stop working 8 yrs ago. We have a beautiful place, dogs. But I have no income, not working, so I have no where to go, no way of supporting myself. I don't want to go to family, they all have their own lives. So I'm unfortunately, dependent on him, home, financial. So this is why I have stayed.
.

This is typical of abusers - to isolate you from friends and family, even turn them against you in many cases and then cause you to be dependant upon them. DO NOT LET IT STOP YOU. TAKE CONTROL BACK. The caps are not yelling at you - but emphasizing the importance. Abuse only gets worse, not better. Abusers will cause you to believd however if YOU only change this or do that, it can go back to how it used to be - it's never their fault. It's yours. After a time, they will apologize, say they want to try again - things will be good for awhile. You believe it can actually get better. Then slowly, little things start upsetting him again. At first you think nothing of it. Everyone has bad days. But it keeps getting worse. You keep getting the blame again. You feel you are somehow a bad person again and deserve all this - so you keep trying to make it better but it just keeps getting worse again... Then one day he apologizes again and the cycle repeats. You know whats bad about that cycle? One day - you either no longer care if you're dead or alive and either just become numb or suicide, or else he goes too far and you wind up dead. In any of those cases - you are no longer alive. Please, take back your power. You don't need money. The shelter will help you get set back on your feet. All you need to do is follow my earlier instructions. There was a time I had to do it. Your time is now.
❤

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 03, 2017, 01:56 PM

Here is a locator to find the nearest shelter to you

https://www.domesticshelters.org/sea...dius=50&page=1

And here is info on the abuse cycle

Abuse Types and Cycle Wheel - Ashleigh's Patience Project

Please take the time to read and utilize these sites - it may save your life.
❤

Sassandclass · May 03, 2017, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cvoor

Yes, he left some bruises on both arms, and a bruise on my back. But he usally does not leave any bruises or marks on me. This is the first time.

Oh sweetie... I'm so sorry

(((. Physical and emotional abuse is NEVER okay. No matter how many times it happens. Wether it's once or many times.

gmts · May 03, 2017, 05:39 PM

Do you have any sort of a "marriage contract" ? What would happen in case of a divorce financially ?

Oh, and of course, like everybody else said, it is VERY bad abuse for sure.

cvoor · May 03, 2017, 07:50 PM

I love my home, I just hate to leave it. It is in both of our names. What a terrible situation to be in. Even though he says he loves me, and is sorry, I agree, in time, it will happen again, like it already has.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 03, 2017, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cvoor

I love my home, I just hate to leave it. It is in both of our names. What a terrible situation to be in. Even though he says he loves me, and is sorry, I agree, in time, it will happen again, like it already has.

Once you go to the shelter, have a restraining order placed on him. From there you can attempt to place claims on your home due to his abuse to you. When spouses abuse you in many states, they lose rights to many or all shared possessions.

gmts · May 04, 2017, 06:04 AM

Have you ever tried hitting back or pulling up the knee ?

Crypts_Of_The_Mind · May 04, 2017, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmts

Have you ever tried hitting back or pulling up the knee ?

Not a good idea to return fire on an abuser - it will escalate the abuse and possibly result in death. Self defense/protective moves are fines ... attack type moves or those which will cause injury to the abuser - are like pouring gasoline on a fire.