[athlete78]

I was verbally and emotionally abused by both of my parents during my childhood. The result has been a continuous battle with depression, scrupulosity, OCD, anxiety, and relationship issues. About three years ago I began seeing a therapist. It took the better part of that three years to figure out that what my parents did to me was indeed emotional and verbal abuse. Now that I've discovered that, I feel that the healing process can start.

Overall, my therapist has been good, and I think I've gotten quite a bit out of therapy. But there are a few things he does that really send me into a downward spiral:

1. He says things like, "Parenting is hard, and they did the best they could." "They love you." "It was inadvertent what they did." "They didn't mean it."

I really get what he's trying to say, but the thing is, I know all that. I know they didn't mean it. I know they love me. I know it was inadvertent. I'm a parent now, so I know parenting is hard. But every time he says those things, I can't help feeling like he's making excuses for them and letting them off the hook. Regardless of what they *meant* it was wrong, and I was the innocent child in all of it. It's not my fault! One of these days I may be able to forgive them, but I have to process all the anger first. I don't think my therapist gets that...

I'm frustrated and I'm thinking about discontinuing therapy. Am I wrong in all this?

[CANDC]

Hi athlete78. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry your therapist(T) is trying to have you go down a certain road that you find difficult.

I cannot know what your T is trying to do, but I am guessing that they may be trying to say, no matter whose fault it is, you can never be free of this until you let go. It does not mean they were right. They probably were not and may not even know what they did wrong. So they may not be able to say "I am sorry" because they cannot see what they did wrong.

I asked myself this question about my troubled childhood: "So how long do I want to hold onto this and postpone living my life?" I finally had enough and said "(expletive removed) I am going on with my life. I am not going to postpone living any longer."

I found this story was describing my existence and I finally had enough

There is a story that says in Africa (and India), the natives use a
technique to catch monkeys. They hollow out one end of a coconut and they
put peanuts in there (I've also heard bananas..but same concept). The
monkey puts his hand in the coconut and when he makes a fist to grab the
peanuts, he's trapped. The natives will pull a string attached to the
other end of the coconut and capture the monkey.

So I finally let go of the banana (my childhood unsettled memories) and moved on with my life.

[benzenering]

Have you asked him where he is going with this? I think you should give it a shot.

[nicoleflynn]

I think you should let him know how what he has said makes you feel. We all need to feel validated, and i agree, it sounds as if he is making excuses.....A much better response would have been (reflecting your feelings about the abuse), and how painful it must have been, etc.....Feelings are never wrong, they just....are.

[athlete78]

The thing is, he's acknowledged that I have compassion and understanding towards my parents. He knows that I'm not angry with them anymore. But every once in a while he'll say one of those things. I really don't know how else to interpret it other than he's making excuses or saying it's okay. I don't think that's what he's meaning to say, but I don't know what other way to interpret it.

[pachyderm]

I think a person has to "let go" on their time, not someone else's time. Maybe you should tell your T that?