I love how controversial the topic of rape is

cosmospanda · Jun 05, 2017, 12:04 AM

Hello, buttercups.

I recently read a thread (no names mentioned) and it wasn't that it was triggering--which it was--but that it seems rape is still a controversial topic these days. I mean, we have this huge rape culture, right? "She was wearing this." "She was flirting with me." "She really wanted it." "She shouldn't have been drinking." Etc, etc, on it goes, placing the blame upon the victim for being raped as if the victim raped themselves. No, not possible. But we say that and want the topic dropped like a hot potato, as if these things don't happen and boys will be boys and girls will be girls.

Here's how it should go, and I'm posting this here, to tell my story of sexual abuse, because I feel it needs to said. Huge trigger train coming your way.

I had just met a guy who offered me a ride to wherever I was going. I helped him out with moving some boxes from storage and he drove me home afterward. We exchanged numbers. Over a month later, I decided to go out on "a date" with him--not a date, but that's what my dad referred to it as. I just wanted to hang out with the guy. The guy takes me to his place for a movie.

Possible trigger:

I get uncomfortable as he is trying to persuade me to get in the bed with him. Reluctantly, I sit down at the foot of the bed, keeping my distance. I loosened up and we began, you guessed it, flirting. Play wrestling. Giggling. Until suddenly he's taking off my bra. I'm frozen, can't move, can't say a word. He starts wrestling me again, gets on top, holds my arms, tells me, look who's on top now? I'm confused and stuck and don't know what to do. I don't remember him taking off my pants, but I told him to turn off the light. I cried. I didn't want to have sex with him. He never asked. I never said no, but I never said yes and gave my consent. Am I wrong for classifying this as rape?

Another incident. I'm having sex, consensual sex. I tell him not to go down on me. He grabs my legs, pulls closer to him, holds my legs firmly down and goes down on me. It hurt. That is sexual assault, even though both parties had consented to sex. I explicitly told him NO to oral, and he did it anyway. Am I wrong for thinking this is sexual assault?

And yet another incident. He lets me shower at his place, offers to wash my clothes for me. I refuse to let him wash my underwear. He is persistent on all the clothes being washed. I said no. I was in the shower and he kept coming in, trying to get the underwear. I told him I didn't want him to. I told him I didn't want him to see me naked. He said he only wanted to get my underwear and wash it, and that is had seen me naked before so it shouldn't be a big deal and that I was making things difficult. I told him I didn't care. I lock the bathroom door but he manages to come back in and says he's giving me clothes to wear. Okay, great. I look and see two shirts, one white one and one grey one, and a pair of PT shorts. I ask why the two shirts. Don't worry about it, just put on the white one first. He wanted to see my wet body in no underwear and a thin white shirt. Great. Okay. I say no. He takes away the grey one and leaves me with being either naked, in a towel, or in a see through shirt and shorts. I put on the clothes and cross my arms against my chest. Next thing I know I'm being held down on the floor, thinking he's playing around. He's asking me to have sex with him, I refuse. He persists. I finally give in, say yes. I don't remember having sex with him, only the aftermath. I was angry.

I said yes. After all of that. And I don't believe I'm wrong for considering that rape.

So, it society today telling people that these examples aren't rape and aren't wrong, it's hurtful. Stop it.

mimsies · Jun 06, 2017, 05:16 PM

I agree with you, harassing and coercing a "yes" in any situation, sexual or otherwise, is still force, and it isn't real consent.

I was recently observing a children's court hearing. A number of the kids were taking a plea deal they had been offered. One of the kids was really quiet and reluctant when asked if he was accepting this deal of his own volition and if he had been forced to say yes. The judge would not accept his plea as long as he seemed grudging about it. It turns out he felt bullied by his mother and his lawyer to accept, but didn't want to because he felt he really was innocent of the charges. The judge was clear that being bullied and coerced into saying yes is not the same as consent.

In a bedroom(or elsewhere), when faced with a larger scarier person, or when feeling physically trapped, or even when just being drunk or feeling really confused and pressured are the times when it is easiest to be coerced and bullied, and harassed. It isn't some mystery. It doesn't matter who it is asking,or who it is saying no... or staying silent and crying through the whole thing, if both people are not wanting the activity and enjoying it, then it needs to not be happening.

I am sorry this happened to you.

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I love how controversial the topic of rape is

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