I don't get it.

Where am I now? I have been married 11 years but the last 6 separated. We have 2 kids who live with her. I am glad I moved out - it was following yet another fullblown, maniacal rage on the driveway with our kids standing nearby. "You are a loser!! Everyone knows it!! You don't contribute s*** to this relationship!!" etc etc.....Yet here I am years later wondering why I am thinking about trying to reconcile with her. It's like, I must be a complete idiot. The separation has been good for all of us - including kids. They don't have to witness insane raging anymore, since she only did it at me. I tell myself sometimes that I must move back in to help raise my children (ages 7 and 10). But that doesn't feel true. It's like the addict who gets high again because it's comforting but also very harmful. Like, "This time will be different." My heart is always first with my children. How do I best help them? Be their Dad? Do they NEED me to live with them? Am I delusional? I really haven't tried to be a "separated Dad" with them yet - you know, having them every other weekend etc.....b/c I still yearn for moving back in.......I don't really get it.