[Big Mama]

Hey. I am having some struggles at the moment. My H and I have not gotten along for years. Some many of the things he does drive me crazy. He has "RULES" and you have to follow the rules even if he is not there to see if they are being followed. Stupid rules like:

The blinds must be closed by dark, even if you are not home, you should anticipate not being home by dark thus closing the blinds before you leave.

The door can NEVER be left open. Not when it is hot in the house and cooler outside, not when you are carrying in groceries, not when you are carrying boxes to the car. The door can NEVER be left open. Even if he is not home, if he comes home and catches you with the door open, it is not good.

You MUST take your shoes off when you come in the house. Even if you are carrying in groceries, you must take your shoes off each time you come threw the door. You must take your shoes off if you need to take 4 steps to the left just to refill your coffee before you dash outside.

*we live in the country, our neighbors are with in shouting distance, if you can shout real loud. We have a gravel driveway so no dirt will get inside the house. We have a huge patio you have to walk across before coming inside. It's not like we live in the city and our neighbors can look in, or cars driving by can see in. It's not like there is dirt or mud outside. H would never let that happen.

I just get tired of living my life according to the "RULES". The T asked me today why do I tolerate these rules. I started crying and told her because he will get mad at me. If he gets mad at me he will cut me down to size. The emotional damage he does when he is angry is so hard to explain. I cried an told her my entire life is lived with the mindset of "Please don;t bet angry." I do all I can all the time to make him happy, to make his life simpler, and to make sure he does not get angry at me or the kids. That only feeds the Stockholm Syndrome.

Some days my H is so cold and calculated. His words are meant to hurt. Little things like "Is it really to much to ask that you vacuum the car every week" or "If you'd try harder you could lose weight, hell just stay awake, thta would help." (Depression doesn't allow for that) or "If you weren't so lazy you might have gotten that wash room clean today." He can go on and on and throw insults, or give the silent treatment for days on end, and then he comes around and slaps your butt and expects you to hand out sex. He acts like he was never angry and you are an idiot for "Making up such crazy stuff." Then the next day he is super friendly, and texts nice messages, takes you out to eat, you know, he treats you like you are human. Then just as soon as you start to think "I can do this, I can live like this" he snaps and flips out again over every little thing.

It is that back and forth that drives me crazy. It is his rudeness and then him saying I NEVER SAID THAT, and the rules, it is the rude comments, it is the fear of not pleasing him that keeps me held captive.

I am a grown woman, and I have to ask before I do anything. Can I go to the mail box, can I open the door, can I turn on the air conditioner, can I go to the library, can I go to my parents house, can I go walking. I can;t just go. HE drives me crazy.

The T agrees he really IS driving me crazy. He is setting up and building brain patterns that are detrimental. If I stay I will be in a facility somewhere, my kids could develop anxiety, become cutters. Anytime I leave I always seem to return. It is like I miss the abuse. It is like I jsut can't learn to live with out it. We have been married over 20 years now, so it is a way of life, but damn, why would I not run from this. Why would I ever return to it.

IDK what I am looking for answers wise. I guess I just needed to be heard. Thank you for listening. Any feedback you have would be greatly appreciated.

[Amyjay]

Oh. He is not a pleasant man and he is hurting you.
He has a pretty good life, doesn't he? The world runs according to what he wants and he gets to say and do whatever he likes whenever he wants to. He doesn't have to think about anyone else or what they want or feel and he gets what he wants when he wants it. He doesn't need to change anything about himself for anyone. If he feels like being kind he can do that. If he feels like being mean he can be as mean and as cruel as he likes. it doesn't matter. Nobody else matters. You don't matter. The children don't matter. Nobody has the right to complain about anything he does. Only he matters. How he feels matters. What he wants matters.

In HIS world you don't matter.
In the real world you matter.
Join the world.

[Big Mama]

Thank you for hearing me. He tells me all the time, I LOVE YOU. But love is an action and I am not seeing it. What makes it so hard is the days he is nice. When he is nice he is so likable and friendly and funny. I guess when he is nice he is really really nice, when he is not nice he is REALLY REALLY not nice. It is the nice days that give me false hope.

I know that is the Stockholm Syndrome pattern. Abuse, then be nice: The little gifts of kindness then swooping in like a hungry wolf to tare you apart emotionally. Making you rely on them for everything: He makes the money so he controls the money. I don't work. The desire to appease: All my waking hours are spent trying to make sure he will not get mad, not be mad, not be disappointed. The worst of all........ Having the opportunity to leave and not doing so: I have left a couple of times, short term. I left for a year and returned. Glorifying your abuser: I think about divorce and am kinda planning that out at the moment. To get away from him definitely takes a well laid plan. But I feel guilty for how lonely he will be, I feel guilty for taking his money, I feel guilty for the things in his life that it would ruin. That's part of what keeps me here, the guilt.

It is crazy making that is for sure. I know when you are trapped in a brain pattern, such as Stockholm Syndrome, it is hard to fight against. It rewires your brain, it causes you to do irrational things. It takes over your life. All you can do, or all you feel like you can do, is live with it, and feel the pain and the fear of your own suffering and emotions and deal with them as they take over your life.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse..marriage. THe on again, off again pattern keeps you stuck, although you are NOT stuck; you do have a choice. One sentence helped me to leave: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself......win." Abuse damages the immune system, every time you are under stress, the body releases cortisol (cortisol damages the immune system). I hope you will find the courage (and make a plan) to leave the abuser. What also helped me was reading that book and all of the information I could on verbal abuse. xo Abuse is about one thing and one thing only: CONTROL...abusers are excruciatingly insecure and will do and say anything to keep control over you. They don't hear you and don't care about your feelings. It is systematic brainwashing....literally.

[coyotee]

I've broken up then gone back to my husband maybe 5 or 6 times - I can't even remember exactly how many times because it's all a blur now. I always come back because I feel bad for him or think things will be different because it's a new apartment or a new place. But nothing is different. I'm supposed to leave again tomorrow and go back to my mom's with my kid. But I'm really ashamed and embarrassed about doing it again. And because of that, a part of me just wants to take the abuse instead and stay. We've been married for 6 years. I know I have to leave but it's really really hard. I've been crying for hours now and can't sleep. It's a big step - for the 5th or 6th time.

[Big Mama]

I am so sorry you are having to go threw this. I know first hand it is absolute hell. It is so confusing. It hurts you and it hurts your child. If not yet, it will. I hope you find the courage to get away. I read some where that the average woman leaves her abuser the minimum of 7 times before actually staying gone.

The part that sticks out the most in your story and that reminds me of myself is ..."a part of me just wants to take the abuse instead and stay." I totally get that. I am the same way. Why do I keep fighting to stay afloat. Why not stop fighting him and just give in and live in absolute fear and emotional pain, emptiness and loneliness. I do any way.

I cannot keep doing this because it just drags me into a deeper pit. Much like quick sand it will end up pulling you in deeper and deeper until it totally consumes you and then you are gone, emotionally gone forever. I can't keep doing this because it shows my little girl that it is how a man is supposed to treat you. I have already stayed long enough for my son to think it is ok to talk to a woman any way you wish. Another monster has already been created. The cycle has to be broken sometime. Why not now.

That is soooooo much easier said then done. Best of luck to you. I wish you the most success in being able to get away. I hope it works for you, but if it does not, don't give up. If you can't bring yourself to do it, don;t feel bad. It's hard and confusing and scary. I know it is.

Good luck. *Gentle hugs it is ok.*

[Big Mama]

I am finding myself stuck once again. He is being so nice. He is saying all the right things. He listened to some kind of christian preacher on hte computer, the sermon was on getting "stuck" in your marriage and how to get unstuck. He had all these great revelations. How wrong he was, and what he should not have done, that kinda stuff. I am glad he has realized his short comings. But so much damage has been done. Things seem to be going so well at this moment I would feel guilty for even thinking about leaving. I am pretty sure this notion that he is going to change, will quickly come to and end. It is slowly killing me to have him be mean, then be nice, mean then nice. It drives me nuts.

I do not know what I want to do with my situation. Some days I want to leave, and leave now. Other days I look at things with question. I do not trust my own judgement any more. I do not believe in myself. I am afraid of failing, I am afraid of bieng stuck here forever. I am afraid of moving out and living in poverty and finding that I should have stayed. My marriage was not as bad as I thought. But at this moment, I feel like I am just in limbo. By staying I am prolongling the truth. I am living a lie. I want to leave yet I don't want to leave.

All my T tells me to do is to keep doing what I am doing, and when the time is right I will know it. Just like I did hte last time I left. I knew it was time, and I had a peace with it. So I guess until then, I will continue to live this life the way it is and the way I am right now One day I will know what I want. I jsut wish I would hurry up and know the answer.

[lark265]

Originally Posted by coyotee

I've broken up then gone back to my husband maybe 5 or 6 times - I can't even remember exactly how many times because it's all a blur now. I always come back because I feel bad for him or think things will be different because it's a new apartment or a new place. But nothing is different. I'm supposed to leave again tomorrow and go back to my mom's with my kid. But I'm really ashamed and embarrassed about doing it again. And because of that, a part of me just wants to take the abuse instead and stay. We've been married for 6 years. I know I have to leave but it's really really hard. I've been crying for hours now and can't sleep. It's a big step - for the 5th or 6th time.

Just as I was reading your post....why does everyone always INSIST that you (we) leave now!! It's all or nothing. We have excellent descriptions of our abusers (because we have lived it). But then the reply mostly seems to be, "Well why don't' you just leave??! It's so obvious!" Yes, it's so obvious to them. So when we hear them we consider "just leaving" - 100%, total. But that is too hard to consider, so we remain. The total, immediate leave is too tough to consider......so we stay. There has got to be a gray area......someone who gets it......and someone who doesn't make us feel worse.

[Big Mama]

Thank you, I totally agree. We do not stay because we want to. It is not as easy as just leaving. Life has to many dynamics to just up and leave. Especially in the context of Stockholm Syndrome.

To me Stockholm is the reason you stay, it is the disease that makes you dependent on some one else. You wonder why you stay, you wonder why you do not leave, you wonder why you feel crazy, for me Stockholm is the answer. I'm not weak for staying, I am not a loser for not leaving, and I am not crazy, I have Stockholm Syndrome. It sucks and it is near impossible to escape. If you are lucky enough to escape and get away from this person you often return. If you do not return the emotional scars you are left with are huge. The likelihood of finding another mate with this same relationship style is more then likely how that will end. There is really no way to win in this situation.