[rawrr]

court. its too stressful. i think its making my life a whole lot worst. its all i really think about anymore. i get so depressed. im putting people through court...and that makes me feel bad. i go...and that makes me feel bad too. i dont know if its worth it. worth all of the pain its causing me.

somethings that happened that night cannot be proven. the boy who raped me, im sorry to be so graphic, but he had a very small penis. so small that he didnt even tear my hymen. they are using the fact that i was drunk, and my hymen is still intact, to try and prove it didnt happen. that it was just a figment of my immagination.

hell, sometimes i wonder if it was. i remember most of it, and the friends in the room say he had sex with me...but parts of my memory arent there. is it possible that i said yes...i know i would NEVER do it when i was sober. ever.

although, he was 18, and i was 14, i still wasnt old enough to give consent. i could have called it statutory rape, but a couple of months before the incident, they changed that law from 18 to 21. so we called it sexual assault. some people at the court house say we can get him...and some dont think i can. some dont think it even happened. it did. theres no way i imagined all of that. theres no way.

but this haunts me. when im at school. when im watching movies. when im on the computer. when im talking to friends, and even in my dreams.

i have these nightmares...horrible ones. i had one a while back where in replacement of my rapist, it was my best friend brendan. he was raping me. hurting me. it scared me so bad, that in my sleep i was slashing around, clawing myself, screaming. no one could get me to wake up. it scared me so bad, i fainted. i kept going in and out, and i was taken to the hospital. they blamed it on my medicine. i was on effexor XR. needless to say, i no longer take those.

sometimes i think im losing complete control of my mind. am i? is this normal. should i give up? would that fix my life faster. would that help me pick up each and every part of my life, and make it worth living again?

[pachyderm]

Don't give up. Are you in therapy? It sounds like you need some help processing it.

[Swedish]

I am sorry. In court the people defending the rapist are taking any chance to discredit you. It is not personal at all. They do not know you. It is a job to them. Do not let it affect you. You are brave! Because you took him to court he´ll think twice before he´ll do it again (whatever the outcome is) and you have probably saved another girl from the same thing happening to them. You´ll get little stars in heaven! Think positive thoughts, you are great!