[bunnysockmonkey]

I've rewritten this post a few times now because it keeps getting long. Taking out too many details makes it seem like it'd be hard to understand, so I tried again to take out a lot of details and simplify the situation. It's still a little long, so it's under a trigger box if you'd rather just come to your own conclusions based on my last few paragraphs.

tw: incest, emotional abuse, gaslighting, sexual abuse.

Possible trigger:

Four years ago I told my mom in private confidence about my father molesting mewhen I was a kid. She took it badly, threatening to hurt him, so I didn't get the chance to explain the circumstance at all, and she fell asleep on the couch. Then the next day she acted like nothing happened and was her usual self.

Years later I finally got the courage to bring it up again, because it really hurt me that she pretended I never told her. She said I was lying, that I had never talked about that with her, then she told my father about my "allegations" and they both agreed that I was mentally unsound and needed to see a professional.
The gas lighting and emotional abuse from her got so so much worse after that.
About a year after that, during a fight about the same subject she let slip that she in fact did remember me telling her that first initial time. In the next breath, though, she changed the story again and said she didn't remember because of head trauma and her own ptsd. I'll never know what's the truth.

A few days ago we got into a fight about my dad saying things to hurt me and her defending him without even letting me explain what he said. Eventually she blurted out that she didn't care to hear my point of view because she didn't believe me about what my father did. Another fight ensued, (but when I say fight whenever it comes to my parents it's essentially me defending myself against their emotional manipulation the whole time. it's never an equal footing type situation) and my mom finally, finally after four or so years for the first time gave me a chance to explain the circumstances of my father sexually abusing me.

She actually said she believed me. Then misunderstood what I replied with (a bewildered about not wanting to get my hopes up, after everything she put me through) and yelled in my face that she needed time to think about it. The next day she kind of abounded me, but after I asked if she remembered what we talked about she acknowledged she did remember. I waited and hoped all day but she never came to talk to me about it.
The next day, she was back to her usual self, which had me in a bad mood and scowling because I knew deep down she was back to pretending nothing ever happened.

She took me aside and asked what's wrong, I told her I was kind of hurt she hadn't come to talk to me and hoped that she would have, and then asked her when she think she may be ready. She said she didn't want to talk about it, because she had already "let it go". I asked her to explain, and she said "I learned years ago to just let things go". I asked her how she could just let it go what my father did to me, and she walked out.

After years of her treating me like dirt when no one else was around, and me wishing she would have just let me explain that first time and believe me. and then having that one full day of hope after she said she did believe me. She said she let it go.
How privileged she is to be able to let something like that go, while I have to live with the trauma of what my father did to me. I haven't been able to look at my mom the same since. Of course as usual, she's back to acting like her usual fake self, like nothing happened and talking to me as if nothing changed between us. It physically makes me ill and nauseous.

I'm so angry, all I can think about and feel is this betrayal. I feel like I mean nothing. Theres nothing I want to say to her that's neutral or positive, I can't even be in the same room as her. I've been avoiding her but I need to be able to do something soon to cope with this, because we live under the same roof and will for a long time until I can figure out how to leave. The night she told me that she let what my father did to me go, I did something to myself that I regret and am still dealing with my own personal fallout because of it, managing my emotions the best I can but worrying that I'll be pushed to the edge again. My sister supported me and listened to me vaguely explaining my reasons for doing it, but I haven't had the chance to explain more to her and I'm second guessing telling her more details despite her saying I can. I haven't had the time to tell her more though because she works full time, and my parents are in the way when sis is home.

I don't know what to do and have been more depressed than ever, moping all day and hardly even paying attention to my dog which is the only being/reason that gets me going. Every second is agony for me, and I wish I was dramatizing this but it's literally all I can think about. My mind truly feels broken from this, and processing it in a diary only seems to make me think about it more.

[reb569]

I really sorry about how your mother has reacted. Sometimes family just can't be counted on to be there for you.

I'm not sure of your age. Are you over 18? Are you able to get work and work on getting out on your own? Maybe your sister and you can move out together?

Maybe, most importantly, are you in therapy? If not, I recommend giving it a try. You need someone to be on your side and support you.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by bunnysockmonkey

...she said "I learned years ago to just let things go"...

...while I have to live with the trauma...

Your mother's "just let things go" deal is how she tries to live with the trauma in her own life...and I would guess she has had plenty or she would not have said "learned years ago". It is not unreasonable for you to want her to show compassion over what happened to you, but she is either unwilling or unable to risk the loss of her own sense of security (her marriage) by doing so. Your father is a sick man and your mother knows that, but she lacks your motivation and courage to hold him accountable.

[bunnysockmonkey]

Sorry for the typos in my first post btw, I'm on mobile so it autocorrected inaccurately, and it seems I can only go back to edit it once.

It's so difficult because family is the most important things to me and they've been the only constant in my life due to moving out of state every two years. But I know I'll have to cut them off to live my own life eventually.

Originally Posted by reb569

I really sorry about how your mother has reacted. Sometimes family just can't be counted on to be there for you.

I'm not sure of your age. Are you over 18? Are you able to get work and work on getting out on your own? Maybe your sister and you can move out together?

Maybe, most importantly, are you in therapy? If not, I recommend giving it a try. You need someone to be on your side and support you.

I'm 23, and on disability because I cant work. Im having a really hard time even figuring out how to leave, because rent in my area would take more than my entire disability check, and section 8 housing doesn't seem to make much of a dent in the rent at all. Plus my sister says it's in really bad neighborhoods regarding crime rate, which would be too scary to deal with on my own.

I was thinking about pitching that idea to her, but I'm on the fence considering our own history with her abusing me and other details that would probably effect my quality of life with her.
Yesterday I finally found a seemingly good therapist and made an intake appointment but it's not until mid august...

~~~

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Your mother's "just let things go" deal is how she tries to live with the trauma in her own life...and I would guess she has had plenty or she would not have said "learned years ago". It is not unreasonable for you to want her to show compassion over what happened to you, but she is either unwilling or unable to risk the loss of her own sense of security (her marriage) by doing so. Your father is a sick man and your mother knows that, but she lacks your motivation and courage to hold him accountable.

Yes, she has gone through a lot of abuse and instead of dealing with it, she externalized it and put the same things she went through onto her kids. Pretending nothing happened seems to be the go to coping mechanism in my family and she doesn't care that it's doing more harm than good right now. Honestly I think she just doesn't care about what he did to me, considering her words and actions. But it's not something I'll know for sure.

Thank you for your logical approach to how my mothers feeling, it's helpful to know what her perspective may be in all of this if I ever decide to approach this subject again. Knowing doesn't stop the hurt, though... I'm worried that after I cycle through the usual grief and anger, I'll go back to yearning for her compassion and doing everything to please her, and then forget this whole situation.

I have this really bad problem where either my subconscious represses the bad things they've done, or I like ignore it unconsciously and forget that anything happened, so when something bad does happen it's more devestating than if I remembered and expected it. I can't remember if it's called trauma bonding with the abuser, but it's out of my control and if it happens again with this I'll be stuck here longer in the cycle of forgetting and being abused more. I guess...