Confirmed.

Hey all. Thanks a lot to everyone who reads my post and leaves hugs and stuff. I know I post a lot, but it means a lot that people here are considerate. This is another long post but I just don't know where else to talk about this.

I don't feel like getting into all of the details so very interesting and long story short: it's been confirmed that my grandma sexually abused me when I was a little kid. I had the dreams and the physical reactions towards her, but I was in denial. I was still in denial when I told my therapist and mom that she touched me inappropriately around the same time I was molested by a teenager (I was 5). This was a verbal confirmation; it isn't me relying on just my dreams or reactions. So everything is out in the open now, and I feel relief for finally knowing that I was right. I mean, I knew the inappropriate touching was bad but I kept trying to justify it in my head because that's what my mom did, and no one did anything so I thought I was in the wrong. But now that there's confirmation, I feel validated but also very alone in all of this.

My mom knows, everything is all out in the open now. And she said she is angry...but that she wouldn't send my grandma back home to her home country (which is Trinidad) or even confront her(which probably wouldn't do much but...). My grandma, the one who has been living with us since I was 3 years old (I'm 25 now), who sexually abused me when I was a kid and emotionally abused me for almost a two decades and who is homophobic and said that me being gay is worse than me being molested. My grandma who my mom told me to fake being nice to her. I will respect my grandma (what other choice do I have? plus I'm just not a rude person) but I am not engaging with her. I've been sticking to myself for months now because of something that happened at home between us.

When my mom heard the confirmation, she got angry and then got very depressed because her life didn't go the way she had hoped and she said, "Sometimes I just feel like dying. I wonder if things would be better if I were dead." I told her to please not say that because it scared me. It still is scaring me very much, and what's bothering me is that many of my mother's problems are coming from my grandma, since my grandma literally doesn't like my mother. She doesn't like my mother or my aunt but puts her son on a pedestal.

However, she refuses to send her home because of reasons I honestly do not understand. I know the reasons, but I don't understand them. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing and I respect her decision...but it's not a decision I agree with. It's all based on her religion (Roman Catholicism). She says that God would want all of us to have peace. But you can't have peace with someone who isn't peaceful...

So I'm dealing with all of these things and it's weighing on me heavily. I try to help my mom but she just snaps at me or gets frustrated or says that I am the one getting defensive. She hides things from me because she says she doesn't want to worry me but I've told her that she has to tell me when she's in emotional pain.I can sense it and she needs to talk to someone. I love my mom to death and I hate the fact that she is suffering because of my grandma...

However, I cannot do anything. That is why I'm focusing on finding a job and moving out. People say to just move out as if it's easy but it's not. I need a job for that and no one wants to hire you when you have the educational requirements but no work experience...So it's been very tough. I've been looking for a job for 10 months now...I really have to move out so I can be free and so I can start my gender transition. I will always help my mother, near or far, but I have to live my own life.

Sorry, this was very long. I just needed to vent in a place with no judgment. Thanks to anyone who read this. I appreciate it.