[Depressed-Fiance]

Hello all,

I'm a male and my fiancé (female) has been psychologically, verbally, emotionally, mentally and financially abusing me for a while now. I have now recognised that her actions and behaviour are not normal and in fact abuse is a choice.

Here are some things she says/does:

1. If I don't fold my clothes up neatly every night then she will say in a negative tone "Why aren't your clothes tidy? You are so messy".
   
2. If I miss a bit when washing the dishes, she will say that the whole dish needs rewashing.
   
3. She will comment on my clothing and if it doesn't look 'trendy enough' for her then she'll say I am dressed like a little boy and know nothing about fashion.
   
4. She will brainwash me into not using chemicals to wash my car just because she is 'environmentally friendly'.
   
5. If I do housework then it is never good enough for her because in her mind I 'miss bits'.
   
6. If I am on a day off from work and she is working that day, she will phone me from her work and in a disapproving tone she'll ask why I'm still in bed and not up!
   
7. She say things like "You don't deserve me".
   
8. Whenever we have an argument then she will make me feel like everything I say or do is wrong and that she is always right.
   
9. I feel like I can't do anything right by her and she treats me like a child sometimes.
   
10. She says things to me such as "I'll just do it myself because you'll not do it properly" or "If you are going to do a job for me, then at least do it properly".
    
    Here are some other things she won't let me do:
    
    
11. She won't let me cook for her two kids (from a previous relationship)
    
12. She won't let me do the laundry (when I offer to help her/do it whilst she is out)
    
13. I have to make her meals in a certain way, otherwise she won't be happy and then she would go and make it herself
    
14. She talks down to me and says a lot of put-downs etc. I never moan to her about things and feel like I have always got to be on 'my best behaviour' just incase it upsets her which is very draining.
    
15. She doesn't show interest in my interests and won't support me as in attending say a sports game I play in because 'she doesn't want to sit I a field and be cold!!'
    
16. She won't attend anything I am in because it doesn't suit her but always, always do I fully support her in her interests and affairs. It is very one sided.
    
    Important to note:
    
    
17. She has never been physically abusive with me nor have I with her.
    
18. She has also said that I will never be able to have/hold down a relationship if we split up.
    
19. She's been rude and insulting to my family (calling my family thieves and liars) even when there is no basis for this.
    
20. She has drained me of all my life savings to hep her pay her bills etc.
    
21. I have tried to talk to her about the points I made that were bothering me, but she just shoots me down and gets all defensive whenever I bring up each point.
    
22. Everything has to be done her way, to her routine and when she says. It's very much like being under dictatorship.
    
23. I have suggested couples counselling to her before but she just says that she doesn't need to go because it's me who is the problem!!
    
24. I am the one who apparently is the 'bad guy' and the one who needs to change. She says I am difficult to live with.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Glad to see you made it here. ❤
You already know my feelings and opinions on this so I will let others talk to you - but welcome to the SoA forum

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Hello all,

I'm a male and my fiancé (female) has been psychologically, verbally, emotionally, mentally and financially abusing me for a while now. I have now recognised that her actions and behaviour are not normal and in fact abuse is a choice.

Here are some things she says/does:

1. If I don't fold my clothes up neatly every night then she will say in a negative tone "Why aren't your clothes tidy? You are so messy".
   
2. If I miss a bit when washing the dishes, she will say that the whole dish needs rewashing.
   
3. She will comment on my clothing and if it doesn't look 'trendy enough' for her then she'll say I am dressed like a little boy and know nothing about fashion.
   
4. She will brainwash me into not using chemicals to wash my car just because she is 'environmentally friendly'.
   
5. If I do housework then it is never good enough for her because in her mind I 'miss bits'.
   
6. If I am on a day off from work and she is working that day, she will phone me from her work and in a disapproving tone she'll ask why I'm still in bed and not up!
   
7. She say things like "You don't deserve me".
   
8. Whenever we have an argument then she will make me feel like everything I say or do is wrong and that she is always right.
   
9. I feel like I can't do anything right by her and she treats me like a child sometimes.
   
10. She says things to me such as "I'll just do it myself because you'll not do it properly" or "If you are going to do a job for me, then at least do it properly".
    
    Here are some other things she won't let me do:
    
    
11. She won't let me cook for her two kids (from a previous relationship)
    
12. She won't let me do the laundry (when I offer to help her/do it whilst she is out)
    
13. I have to make her meals in a certain way, otherwise she won't be happy and then she would go and make it herself
    
14. She talks down to me and says a lot of put-downs etc. I never moan to her about things and feel like I have always got to be on 'my best behaviour' just incase it upsets her which is very draining.
    
15. She doesn't show interest in my interests and won't support me as in attending say a sports game I play in because 'she doesn't want to sit I a field and be cold!!'
    
16. She won't attend anything I am in because it doesn't suit her but always, always do I fully support her in her interests and affairs. It is very one sided.
    
    Important to note:
    
    
17. She has never been physically abusive with me nor have I with her.
    
18. She has also said that I will never be able to have/hold down a relationship if we split up.
    
19. She's been rude and insulting to my family (calling my family thieves and liars) even when there is no basis for this.
    
20. She has drained me of all my life savings to hep her pay her bills etc.
    
21. I have tried to talk to her about the points I made that were bothering me, but she just shoots me down and gets all defensive whenever I bring up each point.
    
22. Everything has to be done her way, to her routine and when she says. It's very much like being under dictatorship.
    
23. I have suggested couples counselling to her before but she just says that she doesn't need to go because it's me who is the problem!!
    
24. I am the one who apparently is the 'bad guy' and the one who needs to change. She says I am difficult to live with.

Why is she your fiance? Why are you still with her? Where is the fun? If you marry her while she has this attitude toward you then you are agreeing to marry someone who does not value you. Do you have low self esteem? Either establish new boundaries or leave. If you are able to see a T, they can help you with creating firmer boundaries. Is she really worth it? There is no mention here of what you love about her.....

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Why is she your fiance? Why are you still with her? Where is the fun? If you marry her while she has this attitude toward you then you are agreeing to marry someone who does not value you. Do you have low self esteem? Either establish new boundaries or leave. If you are able to see a T, they can help you with creating firmer boundaries. Is she really worth it? There is no mention here of what you love about her.....

I know from a previous post of his on here concerning this matter - he was wanting to know if this was abuse, what to do about it - I told him to come here for more info n support...kinda seems odd to me that you are bombarding him with accusatory sounding questions...is this really how you want others to support you?

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Glad to see you made it here. ❤
You already know my feelings and opinions on this so I will let others talk to you - but welcome to the SoA forum

Thanks Crypts.

Yes this thread seems to be in the more appropriate place now.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Why is she your fiance? Why are you still with her? Where is the fun? Do you have low self esteem?

She is still my fiancé because I still love her (despite what she is doing to me.)

I don't plan to be with her anymore because of her abuse towards me.

DF: Be grateful that you can exit the relationship with your fiance now, after only a couple of years. Like I wrote about in your other thread about this issue, my cousin made the mistake of marrying his first ex-wife, when he knew instinctively that she was the wrong woman to marry. But he went through with it because he wanted to please everyone else (the wedding guests, his family, her family, her). Yet, he regret it immediately for the next couple of years that they were married.

If you know in your heart that this woman is abusing you (and frankly from what you write, it would appear that she is abusing you), then you need to decide when and how you will leave her and end the relationship. It will not be easy of course. To leave an abuser is never easy, even if its the man being abused like my cousin was.

Everything you've written about her, and the absence of any positive things about her, makes me think she's abusing you and the only way to end that abuse, is to leave her.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You're welcome

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by cielpur

DF: Be grateful that you can exit the relationship with your fiance now, after only a couple of years. Like I wrote about in your other thread about this issue, my cousin made the mistake of marrying his first ex-wife, when he knew instinctively that she was the wrong woman to marry. But he went through with it because he wanted to please everyone else (the wedding guests, his family, her family, her). Yet, he regret it immediately for the next couple of years that they were married.

If you know in your heart that this woman is abusing you (and frankly from what you write, it would appear that she is abusing you), then you need to decide when and how you will leave her and end the relationship. It will not be easy of course. To leave an abuser is never easy, even if its the man being abused like my cousin was.

Everything you've written about her, and the absence of any positive things about her, makes me think she's abusing you and the only way to end that abuse, is to leave her.

I completely agree. I was emotionally abused for many years. He kept telling me I deserved it. When I would try to talk about it to others, I would be told "If you won't leave him, stop crying about it, you deserve it." So I believed I deserved it and stayed for many years. I finally ended up having a complete mental breakdown. I don't even remember all of what happened. I remember him laughing at me. Me making a noise over n over but not being able to articulate a word. Shaking all over. Rocking. Staring at one spot and not being able to move my eyes off it. Afterwards I told him I needed to go to the community psych hosp. He told me I was faking it. I walked to the nearest bus stop n got there. They kept me a week. So yea - please do not stay any longer. Get out before it kills your psyche.

[GreenBlueRed]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Thanks Crypts.

Yes this thread seems to be in the more appropriate place now.


She is still my fiancé because I still love her (despite what she is doing to me.)

I don't plan to be with her anymore because of her abuse towards me.

It is really hard to leave someone when you still love them, even though you know it is the right thing to do. I had to do this with someone because he became emotionally abusive - downright mean - and treated me like a servant. It sneaks up on you and before you know it you start believing it is normal. Leaving him was like tearing my own heart out.

However, it is absolutely the right thing that you should not tolerate the abuse. You are worth a loving partner, and you can only find her after you get out of this decaying relationship.

When she tells you that you won't find anyone else, it makes me think she will try to stop you if you decide to leave. She won't change, so please maintain this resolve!

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by cielpur

If you know in your heart that this woman is abusing you (and frankly from what you write, it would appear that she is abusing you), then you need to decide when and how you will leave her and end the relationship. It will not be easy of course. To leave an abuser is never easy, even if its the man being abused like my cousin was.

Everything you've written about her, and the absence of any positive things about her, makes me think she's abusing you and the only way to end that abuse, is to leave her.

Thanks Cielpur.

I am currently deciding on how best to leave her that guarantees my safety.

Leaving any relationship isn't easy in my opinion even when it is an abusive one such as mine is.

As your cousin was, I am a man too and being abused by a woman.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

It is really hard to leave someone when you still love them, even though you know it is the right thing to do. I had to do this with someone because he became emotionally abusive - downright mean - and treated me like a servant. It sneaks up on you and before you know it you start believing it is normal. Leaving him was like tearing my own heart out.

I can absolutely relate to this. Except I should add that she threw me out the house and dropped me like a hot stone.

She didn't even seem that upset about it. I can compare it to the Narcissist Devalue and Drop stage.

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

However, it is absolutely the right thing that you should not tolerate the abuse. You are worth a loving partner, and you can only find her after you get out of this decaying relationship.

Absolutely. You are better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't value you and mistreats you.

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

When she tells you that you won't find anyone else, it makes me think she will try to stop you if you decide to leave. She won't change, so please maintain this resolve!

She did try to physically stop me from leaving the house when I said I was fearing for my safety by standing in front of the door and blocking my exit.

I believe you when you say that she won't change, abusers never do and this is something I have now learned.

She has said I am 'not a real man' because I apparently act like a child and she has to 'tell me how to behave'?!!

[nicoleflynn]

Abusers (verbal and physical) are acting out their (whatever they are issues) ..they are full of fear and anger.....and are excruciatingly insecure. They have a need to control everything and everyone ...unless they get help (rare) they will remain the same. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Abusers (verbal and physical) are acting out their (whatever they are issues) ..they are full of fear and anger.....and are excruciatingly insecure. They have a need to control everything and everyone ...unless they get help (rare) they will remain the same. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.

I will pick up a copy of that book you mention as I feel that could help my situation too.

It's actually quite ironic because my fiancé has accused me of being insecure, yet as you say the abuser is actually the person with the issues and who is insecure.

The last relationship I had was seven years ago; he was emotionally abusive and displayed narcissistic tendancies such as the "Devalue and Drop" when I confronted him about cheating on me, after we went out on NYE with another couple. When I confronted him about his cheating, he tried to gaslight me and deflect any blame and refused to apologize or explain himself. I could easily create a thread about my ex-bf's emotional abuse (and may still). But the one thing I learned from that experience, is that I am not equipped to date non-abusive men (for whatever reason). I can recognize the signs of emotional abuse, of narcissism too, yet I'm always the scapegoat in my romantic relationships, because of the men I'm attracted to. So, I'd rather take dating off the table completely, so that I can spare myself further abuse. It seems like a coward's move on my part, but I don't want to endure any more emotional abuse from men, so my answer to that was to stop dating altogether.

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

I will pick up a copy of that book you mention as I feel that could help my situation too.

It's actually quite ironic because my fiancé has accused me of being insecure, yet as you say the abuser is actually the person with the issues and who is insecure.

It's because she's projecting all of her issues on to you -- her target -- so she can scapegoat and brainwash you, into believing you're nothing. Don't fall for any of her labels or veiled threats, because they're all bluffs.

She was probably attracted to you because you are openly vulnerable, and by that I mean, you may wear your heart on your sleeve because you are a genuinely nice person. She probably thought she could easily manipulate and control you for that reason.

Just like the poster nicoleflynn wrote, abusers choose their victims (i.e. scapegoats) to project their issues on to, so they can act out their unresolved problems on to that other person who takes it and internalizes their verbal and emotional abuse first out of confusion, then because they have been so worn down and brainwashed, they automatically internalize their own abuse from that person, as if they deserve it. It's sickening, how devastating emotional and verbal abuse is. Just because you can't see the physical scars like you can with physical abuse, doesn't make it less violent or abusive.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by cielpur

It's because she's projecting all of her issues on to you -- her target -- so she can scapegoat and brainwash you, into believing you're nothing. Don't fall for any of her labels or veiled threats, because they're all bluffs.

It's amazing just how clearly I can see what she is like just from other people here helping to describe known tactics that abusers use against their victim.

At the time I was too often coaxed into believing that everything was my fault.

She blamed me for pretty much everything and always said things like 'I am too much hard work', 'too much', 'I have issues' and that 'I am difficult to live with'.

Originally Posted by cielpur

She was probably attracted to you because you are openly vulnerable, and by that I mean, you may wear your heart on your sleeve because you are a genuinely nice person. She probably thought she could easily manipulate and control you for that reason.

Absolutely spot on.

She accused me of lying a lot of the time (which I did a few times, only because I was afraid to tell the truth incase she flipped or didn't like what I really thought.)

Originally Posted by cielpur

Just like the poster nicoleflynn wrote, abusers choose their victims (i.e. scapegoats) to project their issues on to, so they can act out their unresolved problems on to that other person who takes it and internalizes their verbal and emotional abuse first out of confusion, then because they have been so worn down and brainwashed, they automatically internalize their own abuse from that person, as if they deserve it. It's sickening, how devastating emotional and verbal abuse is. Just because you can't see the physical scars like you can with physical abuse, doesn't make it less violent or abusive.

Completely agreed. The enormity of the damage they can inflict through emotional and psychological abuse is just devastating.

[Depressed-Fiance]

She has even told our kids (6 and 10) when she was angry to 'Get a f**king grip' which is absolutely despicable.

She would also phone me around four times a day whilst she was at work and I was off or text me a lot. I felt that this was her way of checking up on me.
When she would phone she would never start the conversation telling me what she had done, it was always a case of 'me go first' and tell me what you did today. When it came to her point to tell me what she did then she would keep it very brief or not even go into detail at all.

[nicoleflynn]

One of the best things you can do when around an abuser is to STOP explaining yourself; they are emotional vampires and need you to keep responding and explaining yourself. In other words, don't respond to verbal abuse.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

One of the best things you can do when around an abuser is to STOP explaining yourself; they are emotional vampires and need you to keep responding and explaining yourself. In other words, don't respond to verbal abuse.

It will be hard to do initially but I am sure I will find the courage to do that and it will be interesting to see how she reacts and responds to that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

It will be hard to do initially but I am sure I will find the courage to do that and it will be interesting to see how she reacts and responds to that.

It actually works. That's how I dealt with my fiance when I first came back (he used to abuse me emotionally and psychologically before I left n there are unique reasons I returned) and it really calmed things down. The trick is though - not to react at all. Not verbally or in body language. You have to appear as if it's not rattling you. It takes their power away. At first it's like a challenge to them, and it escalates a bit - but then (if you stick to it) it drops down a lot then continues dropping little by little. Don't mistake me, I am not saying to stay with her. I am only saying this will help until you can leave.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

It actually works. That's how I dealt with my fiance when I first came back (he used to abuse me emotionally and psychologically before I left n there are unique reasons I returned) and it really calmed things down. The trick is though - not to react at all. Not verbally or in body language. You have to appear as if it's not rattling you. It takes their power away. At first it's like a challenge to them, and it escalates a bit - but then (if you stick to it) it drops down a lot then continues dropping little by little. Don't mistake me, I am not saying to stay with her. I am only saying this will help until you can leave.

Are you still with your fiancé or have you left permanently?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Are you still with your fiancé or have you left permanently?

I am with him - things are 1000% better. There are still problems though - and our case (of getting better) is NOT the "norm" so please do NOT use my relationship with him as your guideline as to whether to stay or go - be safe.

If it wasn't for extraordinary circumstances, I never would have returned. He was in fact about to move out of state when I ended up doing so, so he didn't plan on it happening either. Like I said, it was not just a matter of the simple "I miss him, I am going back" or "He seems so much nicer now, I am going back" - it was very unusual. Both of us decided to make the best of it n have been working hard for almost 3yrs - but we are in need of counseling and are having difficulties getting that. So - we have some very rough spots at times. Like I said, be safe, please!

[Depressed-Fiance]

Thanks Crypts. Good that things are getting better with your other half.

I am going to break it off with her today.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Thanks Crypts. Good that things are getting better with your other half.

I am going to break it off with her today.

Glad to hear you are looking out for yourself and being safe. I am sorry it turned out this way for you though.

❤
*hugs*

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Thanks Crypts. Good that things are getting better with your other half.

I am going to break it off with her today.

Good luck. Stay strong. Don't fall for her veiled threats. Try to distance yourself from her geographically and emotionally. Close any joint bank accounts you have together, so that she can't cipher off of you financially anymore. Let us know how it goes.