Emotionally Abusive Fiance

I was with my kids dad for three years. It started out as emotional abused. He also drained me financially took 90% of my money. He was veey manipulative. He made me feel so bad about myself i guess so i wouldnt think anyone else would want me. Anyway he ended up being physically abusive. So just be careful. Dont let it get to that point.

Thanks Cielpur.

Can you advise on how to not remember her emotionally?

Good sound advice!

Also - any financial loan accounts or such you may have together... Let them know not to release your information to her, bc you are separating due to a domestic situation and you no longer wish contact with her. That's how I handled things and they were respectful.

Thanks again for the advise.

I'm sorry I keep asking questions but I feel a bit 'numb' from her abuse at the moment.

From interacting with all the members on here throwing their input in it is helping me a lot understand all about emotional abuse and to get over her quicker.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it's never pleasant.

Can I ask in what ways did he start to emotionally abuse you?

Also, in what ways was he manipulative towards you?

She has drained me of about 50% of my life savings by forcing me to pay her 'rent' every month for living in her house even though we are supposed to be partners.

Yes, it takes training yourself and I did it after 31 years of verbal abuse...the abuser will become angrier, but hold your ground. You can say...unless you speak to me with respect, we will not have a conversation. Walk away or out of the door if you can. Listening to abuse is like having rocks thrown at you. Verbal abuse affects us physically also. Everytime we hear abuse cortisol is released; cortisol damages our immune system.

No need to apologize - knowledge is power. You need all the power you can get at the moment. Glad it is helping you more, talking to people here ❤

Verbal abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing and numbing; but once you understand what it is, you can take steps to remove yourself from it.

Think about how ILLogical the abuser is; they say horrible things to you etc., etc....so why are they with you?

I believe she is with me because she knows that I have a bit of money behind me (I don't actively make that known.) In a way it's like she sees/did see me as a cash cow and although she has debts, she 'suckered' me in knowing it would benefit her financially.

Whenever we would do the food shopping and I'd see something I fancied to eat, she'd say no you can't have that because it is bad for you (making out she is caring about me) or no the kids will want that and that's unhealthy for them.

So in the end I gave up and she always chose the food on what we'd eat etc.

Honestly, the fact that you have tolerated her for this long and put such effort in to please her goes to show you that you are certainly capable of finding and being with somebody far better than her because most men would not put up with somebody like that as long as you have without losing their mind and going crazy on them.

No offense to the actual women here but she is a true ***** because any female who treats people like that is the reason why such a term is used and as such, females like that aren't worthy of being called "women".

I know it is brainwashing. That's why I initially left him. It's also why I won't let him do/say certain things - but there is also a degree I have to allow. It sounds odd and unhealthy I know. Honestly, it is and I know that too - but to do otherwise would be unhealthier for us both.

Both of us are in need of mental health counseling. Where we lived previously, they were messing us both up more and inciting the abusive behavior which is how it ended up getting to the extreme it got. I was lucky in the end, and got a counselor that figured it out - without me telling her (bc I was tired of hearing them say it was my fault) and educating me on abuse and then getting me out. I was then unlucky in that 2mo into staying at the shelter (I was just getting set up on a program to help me get a pkace to live), the shelter decided I was suicidal after my boyfriend left me so sent me to be evaluated - I passed that but I was having chest pains so the hospital kept me for observation. When they released me the next day (a Saturday), it was 15min after the workers left the shelter, so I called the hotline to tell them I was ready for pickup. They said they did not know where the hospital was (even tho it was the same one another girl had been picked up from a week prior) so I tried to explain, they still claimed they did not know where it was. They wanted my room number and desk phone number. I told them they cannot reach me in observation. They did not believe me. So...they hung up after I gave them the info. An hour later, I called back n they said they could not reach me. I said I know n asked if they would come pick me up. They still claimed not to know where the hospital was. The community buses had closed by this time. We were not allowed to taxi to or near the shelter. The hospital would not let me go without a ride. Only other person I knew was my abuser. I called to make sure it was ok I stay with him til I can go bk there. He said ok. I called a taxi to take me there. I called shelter to tell them I could not be bk til Mon due to no buses til then. They said not to come back, to pick a place to drop off my things.

He and I did not go back to counseling there so things did not go really bad again but I almost got arrested bc I was in the middle of putting a restraint order on him. We been working on things on both sides since then. I tell him when he is getting overly abusive (when he calms) and he tries to control it more, and I been doing what I can to regain his trust since my internet affairs. We moved about 6mo ago and have not been able to get into counseling but we want to - and the neighborhood we live in is triggering him a lot...which brings out "bad behavior" in anyone. He is trying to curtail it by removing himself from me - but bc I have BPD, sometimes that is hard on me too .. So sometimes I fire it off by coming around him when he needs "alone time". So right now - its just a really stressful time, but he is doing a lot better.

I can give you comparisons if you want. And the angry remarks have only been the last few months n we been back together almost 3yrs now ...but I already told him no marriage til all this is worked thru, he agreed quickly.

He would always act like i was cheating on him or talking to other men even though i was around him 247 when i wasnt at work. I wasnt allowed to go out by myself. He would accuse me of lying to him and stuff when he would ask if i was talking to other guys or something like that. He would say i was a "*****" and thing like that. Then when id get paid if i didnt agree to give him every dime i had almost, he wouls treat me horribly. He'd say dont talk to me and i dont want anything to do with you. And he'd go sit in my bedroom by himself. Basically treating me bad in attempts that id break down and say "okay you can have the money even though it only leaves me with $100" The controlling aspect of it how i wasnt allowed to go anywhere alone, i had to cook for him clean for him serve him hos food, and they way i wasnt allowed to have any friends. Thats a huge red flag that it can turn into physical abuse. At the time i didnt know that i had never gone thru it before.

But see...all of this ... Is why I am telling you, Depressed, to leave. I still put up with more than I should. I have been with him (for all but those 2mo) almost 12yrs. ... Things can change, but, it takes a lot of work on both parts. It takes a lot of suffering too. It's better to move on if you can.

That is financial control in order to trap you - it was preparation basically for the full abuse.
The telling you what to eat was actual introduction to abuse .. she was slowly starting to take control of everything

Yes. Block her from your cellphone, and your email, and your social media. Change your phone number if you have to.

Well, unfortunately you will remember her emotionally. But, if you mean, how can you develop coping strategies for the aftermath of leaving her -- that's where a good cognitive therapist will help. And reading books and articles about being in a relationship with an emotional abuser. Those resources can help you understand why you are attracted to emotional abusers, what your triggers are, and coping strategies to avoid those triggers in future relationships, etc.

Really, a good therapist will help you navigate through the rough waters that are sure to follow once you leave your fiance. She will probably try to make your life hell, after you leave her. That's where you need to protect yourself emotionally and legally too. Just like my cousin did with his ex-wife (my grandmother cut off her head in all of the photos my cousin gave to her, of the two of them, ha-ha).

And coming here and posting about it helps. PC has helped me so much. I'm glad I found this forum. I'm sure it will help you too.

Very well said..

I know how it can feel to be with someone who is manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive, and will make you feel like up is down and down is up.
I was with a man who was like this. He would emotionally abuse me, get drunk, drunk dial me in the middle of the night (wake me out of a dead sleep), to accuse me of "cheating on him". Although I never ever did. He would make fun of me in front of others, and generally make me feel like crap. What's crazy, is that he made others treat me the same way. He was charismatic, and others followed his lead. It was a nightmare. And I was engaged to him.
He used our joint car, and committed a hit and run, and I was woken up by the police looking for him. They threw him in jail, and he tried to attack a police officer.
The last straw was when I brought him home to meet my family. He told me they were self absorbed and made fun of them.
That month I broke up with him.

Now I am married to a wonderful, amazing man who is the love of my life.

I had to figure out within myself why I had stayed so long. Why didn't I think I deserved more??? Why did I put up with someone completely disrespecting me and my needs?

You may want to ask yourself the same questions and really dig deep inside yourself. It was a hard journey, but it was the best and most worthwhile thing I've ever done for myself.

This is just my opinion, and it's up to you if you accept it, but I seriously suggest leaving this woman. Yes, it's hard (being addicted to bad treatment is a very real thing) -- but it's worth it, my friend.
I wish you all the best and if you ever need to talk to anyone about this, please let me know.

She would always wait to talk about our 'problems' at bed when I was trying to get to sleep. She knew I was trying to sleep but she picked her timing to keep me awake and that of course made me feel terrible when she was pretty much projecting all the problems onto me making out it was all my fault.

She has criticised my family, my brothers girlfriend and she would never start or keep a conversation going whenever she was in my families company, instead just sitting there all silent. A grown up mature woman should nit behave like that in my opinion!

Yes, you're right. Looking back, I believe that my ex fiancé was emotionally stunted - perhaps from the excessive drinking he'd been doing since he was 16. He showed no coping skills (except negative ones like lashing out, and emotional manipulation).
What's scary in a situation like that,(and this is how it started to feel, like a twilight zone) is the sane person is made to feel crazy by the actual crazy person.

Abuse is about ONE THING: control.

You have nailed it, that is exactly what it is like.

The sane person is gaslighted and made to feel crazy over a period of time.

Do you think they need to be in control because they are unhinged and insecure?

Something that hurt and upset me after she gave me the Devalue and Discard stage, she said to me that I will never be able to have a relationship 'because I am too difficult a person and difficult to live with'.

Can that be a classic sign of Narcissic Rage by what she said to me or is it just pure nasty?

Wow! She is obviously not balanced emotionally. An emotionally healthy person doesn't feel the need to lash out and hurt others.
You may also want to look into the possibility that she has BPD -Borderline Personality Disorder.
I have found that narcissism and BPD can look similar from an outside perspective.