[Jerissa]

I'm 66 and I am obsessing more and more about who I could have been and what I could have done if I hadn't been so badly abused. I live in a college town and the students are coming back. I look at them and go home and cry because I want to BE one of them

My parents demanded that I have children since my only other sibling had said he wouldn't. I went to a cheap, third rate college because getting a degree didn't matter. I was just supposed to get a husband. (Although my father who was harshly critical also demanded I get A's).

No one talked to me about grad school or work, which was probably more normal back then but my teachers knew I was smart and they didn't even let me know there were any options. In fact I don't think they even told me I was smart - which would have helped - because nothing I did was ever good enough for my father. I still think of myself as stupid and incompetent.

I love my two daughters but watching them achieve what they have I feel jealous. All they had that I didn't was a good-enough set of parents. I've spent my whole life being what someone else wanted or doing what had to be done even when it meant I didn't get what I wanted. l

I'm still in therapy and still have a lot of issues. I think there's going to be a therapist next to my bed when I'm dying instead of a minister.

jerissa.

[bunnysockmonkey]

Im sorry. Though we differ in age, I know what it's like to feel like this. I spent a few years wondering who I couldve been, too. Forgive me if it's presumptuous to give you advice because of my age- but please let yourself mourn, like you are now. I've found it's the best thing we can do to let ourselves feel and let the mourning process cycle naturally. Acknowledging this loss of self after abuse, of wondering who we could've been, is important and a step in the right direction of the healing process (or so I've heard- I've yet to reach healing yet, still mourning like you)

Your jealousy is understandable, but it sounds like you were a good parent in giving your daughters what you didn't have, and I hope knowing that can become more of a comfort and sense of confidence for you. You gave them what you didn't instead of continuing the cycle your parents did to you! That's amazing and something that's worthy of being proud of.

Again I hope I'm not presumptuous or coming off as preachy. I just hope it helps to know you're not alone, and that I hope you can begin to find your self and be proud of that person.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Jerissa,

Seems you are fairly new to the forums, welcome.

I empathize greatly with you. I am feeling the same way as of late. BunnySockMonkey is correct in saying you are not alone. This is definitely something we sufferers experience in our lives. Not to mention, you are 66 years old, a time when most people think about the what ifs. Guilt and Regret are a common theme at that stage in life. It has got to be painful to experience.

What helped me with this feeling is to think of all the positive things in life... All the things we DO have. It is so very hard, but it can help.

Out of curiosity, what are the things you would have done differently and what is it specifically that you want in life that you feel you never had?

Life isn't over yet...

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Fuzzybear]

"I still think of myself as stupid and incompetent"

Those old messages, those old lies, from harshly critical, abusive parents are so hard to erase

It's not too late to make some "gains" and I'm sorry for all you lost because of abusers who should never have ....