My father was abusive (triggering since it's detailed)

I really need to write this post because it's been on my mind these days. I have memories from my childhood and I never told others. But everytime I tried to write this I tried to protect myself by saying "nope ignore it and don't dwell on it". But then I know that it's better to write these things so you can start coping with them.
Since I was a child my father was emotionally abusive towards both me and my older brother and sister. And even with my mother I think. Not all the time but for example he suddendly putted me down,by saying things like I wasn't good at doing things. Even stupid things like cleaning, he always screamed at me saying that I was incompetent and good at nothing. Then he compared me with other people (mostly my friends or people my age) by saying that those people were better because they knew how to do things, not like me. He changed his moods a lot, he screamed at me and then some minutes later he laughed and treated me like nothing has happened. So he was changeable, I didn't know how to deal with him, I didn't know how to predict him.
He never displayed affection toward me and he didn't care about my emotions. He cared about economical aspects of my life (paying for school and so on) but he wasn't there for other more important aspects.
He acts like this even now that I'm 22 but not that much. He's a perfectionist and wants others to do things in a perfect way. So for example if I'm doing something and he's around he'll find flaws and mistakes. Now I don't talk to him because I feel too socially anxious around him. I think he's one of the causes of my social anxiety. So I never talk to him and don't care about him.

But those memories that I mentioned before are not about emotional abuse. I remember when I was a child, very little, he beated my sister and threw her against a shelf. Then I assisted at the scene but didn't know what to do and I forgot that scene until the age of 15-16. Then my mother talked with him and he felt really guilty and he never touched my sister again. So at least the physical abuse was really small. I have vague memories of physical abuse and I remember only one scene but I was really little maybe age of 7? I rember he beated me and my brother and sister because he wanted us to do things perfectly I guess. He slapped us I guess. I don't remember other episodes.
Then the last memory is of sexual abuse I think. I don't know if I can call it sexual abuse since he only touched me. I was little but don't remember the age...I guess elementary school? I was in his bed and my mother was away and he touched my butt. I don't know if he did this other times, I think maybe 2 or 3 other times. He did only this but still it's painful to think about it! But I want to face the truth and be honest at least on this forum.
Now my father is still emotionally abusive (as I said before, he point flaws and mistakes in others and so on but he don't do this often nowMaybe if I return to therapy I'll say this to my therapist. I never felt ready to talk about this with my previous one. I only talked about the emotional abuse a bit. I felt too ashamed and embarassed, I was afraid of being judged by her. I know that a therapy won't judge me at all. But I don't have to be ashamed of this since he was the one that acted like this. I was only a child, so I'm reminding myself that talking about this is ok and can help me to cope more with it and that it's not my fault.

These memories are not really impacting my life...they are painful but social anxiety is my main problem. To be honest sometimes I think I have a personality disorder like BPD because I find myself in what they say about people with "quiet BPD"...but even AVPD has some symptoms that I see in myself. I don't want to self diagnose so I don't say that I have BPD bc I'm not sure, I guess I'll explain this to my future therapist! of course emotional abuse impacted me a lot and caused my social anxiety along with emotional bullism at school for example (my classmates targeted me bc I was too shy and never talked in class).

I can relate to everything you've written here, and then some. I never thought it impacted me all that much once I got away from home and out on my own, but I was in denial. I have CPTSD and GAD, probably SAD too really. Definitely bring this up in therapy. I wish I had done it much sooner. You are young and your whole life is ahead of you! Best of luck and

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life

Very good alpacalicious. You can always copy this post and give it to your therapist if you are uncomfortable saying it.

Your father intimidated you when he should have helped you and mentored you instead. This can leave some very deep scars that can affect a person their entire life. A parent that demands perfection is NOT a good parent.

This is 100% correct. I can relate to your statement so much because that's exactly how my dad was with me.

I found this article online that outlines different examples of emotional abuse fathers can do to their daughters.

Fathers Who Hurt Their Children ? Out of the FOG

Did your Father:

• Discount your thoughts, opinions and contributions?
• Perceive his wife/children as his personal property, to command as he wished?
• Disrespect family members
• Withhold affection?
• Treat your mother as less than an equal partner?
• Avoid participation in family /school functions?
• Usually put work and his own interests ahead of those of the family?
• Make promises, only to routinely disappoint?
• Was he aggressive or abusive toward family members?
• Need to be right / in control at all times?
• Rage?
• "Disown” you for disappointing him?
• Shame you privately or in front of others?
• Was he there for his family and friends when they needed him?
• Embarrass you, humiliate you or ignore you?
• Ever abuse you - psychologically, verbally, physically or sexually?
• Blame his failures on others or make excuses for his bad behavior?

Well my father never made any promises he could break. Other than that all of those pretty much fit.

Yes I do think that he didn't know how to parent properly, his parenting model wasn't good at all. I think I need to tell this to my future therapist in the future...First I want to know them and see if I feel comfortable with them. Then I don't know when to talk about this. I can't imagine saying this out loud, so I'll probably show them or even email them this post (hoping they understand english xD).

Yes he did all of these. I found out similar lists in the past and they all described his behaviours. I think the emotional abuse impacted me a lot and caused social anxiety and low self esteem, insecurities in general, maybe even fear of relationships, of being rejected in relationships because If I start to get close to someone I tend to search for flaws in the person so I can leave them and don't talk to them and be alone again.

I'm sorry you went through this and are now dealing with the effects it has had on you. You deserved better than to be treated like that. I do think what you mentioned could be considered sexual abuse, regardless of if it happened once or a few times, but it's important how you want to label it. I know personally when something similar happened with my mom, I prefer to consider it "sexual harassment" over "abuse" just because it sounds a little less upsetting to me personally, even if that's not very logical it helped me. Maybe finding a way to label it that won't upset you will be helpful too?

I read once somewhere that abuse effects the parts of our brain that process language and verbalization. A lot of us quite literally can't put our experiences into words, or it's too difficult to. It sounds like you experienced that as well, but I'm glad that now you are up to talking about it! It truly helps to get the memories out of our brains and into words, sometimes.

Yeah I think it's easier to call it sexual harrassment. during the past years I wasn't able to talk about what I went through with my father I couldn't think about it or write about it. I think when I was a teenager I was in denial and also I didn't have a lot of informations on abuse. For all of my family it was normal, yes they didn't like him and my mother argued a lot with him but no one ever said it was an abusive behaviour.

I really need to tell my future therapist but I don't want to tell this the first sessions. For example in my previous therapy, during the 3rd session I had to talk about my family and I said that my father criticized me a lot etc...when my therapist asked me "did he hit you or was it only emotional?" I said "no it was only emotional, only verbal" when in reality It wasn't true. I wasn't able to tell her "yes, I have one memory where he was physically aggressive and sexually harrassed me". She never asked me about it again.

But if my next therapist will ask me "was it only verbal?" I don't know if I can admit the truth and say "no it was physical too, a bit". Also the physical abuse was small compared to the emotional, it was the emotional abuse that impacted me so maybe the physical one isn't so important to mention.

If you can't verbalize it, just nod your head or don't answer. Or say yes but I can't speak of it now. That will let the therapist know to revisit that at a later time. And remember, what happened is not a refection on you, it's a reflection on him.

I started therapy (I did 4 sessions) and I really really like this one. But he doesnt ask me about my father at all, usually I bring the topic..talked about emotional abuse a bit (whithout naming it "emotional abuse"). I said to him that my father was verbally aggressive and told me that I ruined his life etc...but I'm not able to mention all the abuse. Or even the sexual harrasment. And I think that that harrasment was an isolated episode, so theres no need to bring that up...after all the form of abuse that affected me was the emotional one.

I think that my therapist has some hints about my father, and I'm a bit worried. Maybe thats why he approaches the topic of my father slowly...like he never ask me "was your father verbally abusive etc?" as my previous therapist did.
I don't want him to think that I was abused etc even tho I was!! It makes no sense! Maybe I think that if my T knows about the abuse, then he'll judge me or look at me with pity. I dont want pity from him.
I think I'll never get the courage to talk about all the abuse. Not verbally. I think when I'll feel ready, I'll send to my T this post so he'll read my words. Maybe I'll tell him "I want you to read this thing I wrote about my father". I dont' know when, but I don't feel ready now.
I feel like I'll never get better...I'm afraid I'll be in therapy forever. I'll never become what I want because I'm too sensitive for this world.

My god that is just awful, do you have any friends, therapists, family members that you can talk to about this, and also about his emotional abuse, you need to prove him wrong, prove to him that you are useful, you are somebody, and that you can accomplish things, and that you're better than him, and just rub it all in his face, and also defend yourself against him, I'm not saying beat him up or anything, I'm saying stand up for yourself, he's probably doing that to gain power over you, and to feel good about himself, and to make you feel like crap, don't let him, stand up for yourself, and prove him wrong