Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #26  
Old Sep 22, 2017, 12:31 AM
mimsies's Avatar
mimsies mimsies is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Sep 2014
Location: No Where
Posts: 299
Don't try to control the fear.
Control behavior.
Emotions are... emotions.
Actions are something one has to decide to participate in... usually. There is a natural fight or flight or freeze response that kicks in in extreme circumstances. Running away from danger physically is a flight response. Mentally dissociating is a freeze response, and the body sort of numbs itself so it won't feel the pain of being hopelessly trapped.

Fight response, however, is often used as an excuse for bad behavior. When you see someone on the ground fighting off a pile of attackers (often this is in videos of police brutality) THAT is a fight response. Screaming obscenities at a store clerk or other driver, or smacking another person around is a choice, not a fight response. Those are planned decided upon actions. Fight response is very primal and the main goal is to fight off danger and get away.

I am absolutely 100% NOT saying that anyone in this thread has done that. I am simply explaining the difference between dysfunctional behavioral choices, vs inability to control emotions, vs uncontrollable natural instincts in crisis situations.
Thanks for this!
RubyRae

advertisement
  #27  
Old Sep 22, 2017, 06:44 PM
stopchewinggum stopchewinggum is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: Somewhere Lost in My Head
Posts: 289
A the Buddha would say, Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." And also, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
Thanks for this!
Nammu, RubyRae
  #28  
Old Sep 22, 2017, 08:25 PM
Anonymous43456
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyRae View Post
I can really relate to that,it's one of the main issues I worked on in therapy.That fear still controls me at times,no matter how much I fight it,no matter how much I have worked on changing it,it still rules and runs my life when I've been triggered by something,and probably always will.But it is way better than it used to be.
If one of your hot-button issues is letting your fears control your choices in life, then how does it help your brother to judge him for not making the same choices, the same way, that you have?

All I've read in your thread are your excuses and justifications as to why you are choosing to judge your brother. Why do you feel the need to judge him the way that you do?

He is dealing with his abuse the way he is. Not the way that you are. He is not you. You are not him.

If you'd wanted your thread to be generic, I think it was unwise to use your brother as your thread's focus. Judging your brother does not define who he is -- it defines who YOU are.

Stop labeling your brother and others who are not like you. Stop judging how far people have to go to their recovery from childhood abuse. No one is on the same path as you are. Everyone is on their own path, Stop judging them for their path, just because it's differnet from yours. Start acknowledging how far they've come instead. And what good does it do for your own healing, to compare yourself to others' healing progress, esp. your brother's.

Childhood is when everything good and bad happens to a person, that shapes the way they live in the world for the rest of their lives.
  #29  
Old Sep 22, 2017, 09:50 PM
RubyRae RubyRae is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 857
Quote:
Originally Posted by cielpur View Post
If one of your hot-button issues is letting your fears control your choices in life, then how does it help your brother to judge him for not making the same choices, the same way, that you have?

All I've read in your thread are your excuses and justifications as to why you are choosing to judge your brother. Why do you feel the need to judge him the way that you do?

He is dealing with his abuse the way he is. Not the way that you are. He is not you. You are not him.

If you'd wanted your thread to be generic, I think it was unwise to use your brother as your thread's focus. Judging your brother does not define who he is -- it defines who YOU are.

Stop labeling your brother and others who are not like you. Stop judging how far people have to go to their recovery from childhood abuse. No one is on the same path as you are. Everyone is on their own path, Stop judging them for their path, just because it's differnet from yours. Start acknowledging how far they've come instead. And what good does it do for your own healing, to compare yourself to others' healing progress, esp. your brother's.

Childhood is when everything good and bad happens to a person, that shapes the way they live in the world for the rest of their lives.
I find it very interesting how there's been comments in this thread about me judging others and especially my brother yet I am also being judged by the ones that are making the comments.Which you also did too,not just once,but twice.Not only have you judged me but you have also criticized me.

Many of you are defending my brother,which for one thing, he was just an EXAMPLE.And for another thing,if you knew him you wouldn't be defending him,or at least I hope you wouldn't defend someone that lost custody of his young child because he and his wife physically and sexually abused her.And he blames that on his childhood too.

I really wish I had began this thread with better wording and wish I hadn't used my brother as an example,but I did,and it can't be undone.Pretty much this entire thread isn't even about what I intended it to be,which was:

Quote:
.
Anyway,what are your thoughts on this?Why do some choose to work on their issues and improve theirself while others choose to stay stuck?I say "choose" because I personally believe it's a choice
But,people can say what they want,judge and criticize as much as you please,all I was trying to do was get answers because I was curious.This topic is obviously a bit too triggering or something to be discussed in a way that doesn't involve people judging and criticising me yet accusing me of judging my brother,or even about the original question I asked.

Therefore,I'm out.

Carry on with the discussion without me if you choose to.
Thanks for this!
pachyderm
  #30  
Old Sep 22, 2017, 10:11 PM
RubyRae RubyRae is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 857
Also,this:

Quote:
.
Childhood is when everything good and bad happens to a person, that shapes the way they live in the world for the rest of their lives
This is exactly what this thread was supposed to be about,why some people have resigned in that belief and others haven't.The bad things that happen in childhood do shape the way they live in the world but with help and hard work and trying it doesn't have to be for the rest of their lives.

Last edited by RubyRae; Sep 22, 2017 at 10:14 PM. Reason: corrected word
Thanks for this!
pachyderm
  #31  
Old Sep 23, 2017, 12:39 AM
mimsies's Avatar
mimsies mimsies is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Sep 2014
Location: No Where
Posts: 299
I think people are judging you and calling you out for things you didn't actually do or say in your original post or afterwards, but rather what they chose to insert as meanings into your words.

This is a classic example of choice of behavior.

And you are correct. The people criticizing you are being AT LEAST as judgmental and critical of you as they are accusing you of being. And they are doing it to someone they really don't know at all, and whose history they don't understand. At least YOU are well familiar with your brother. They are attacking a complete stranger.

At least it provides an excellent example of dysfunctional choices.
Thanks for this!
pachyderm, RubyRae
  #32  
Old Sep 23, 2017, 10:12 AM
Shazerac's Avatar
Shazerac Shazerac is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: earth
Posts: 3,029
Quote:
Originally Posted by mimsies View Post
I think people are judging you and calling you out for things you didn't actually do or say in your original post or afterwards, but rather what they chose to insert as meanings into your words.

This is a classic example of choice of behavior.

And you are correct. The people criticizing you are being AT LEAST as judgmental and critical of you as they are accusing you of being. And they are doing it to someone they really don't know at all, and whose history they don't understand. At least YOU are well familiar with your brother. They are attacking a complete stranger.

At least it provides an excellent example of dysfunctional choices.
good post. (In my opinion)
__________________


Eat a live frog for breakfast every morning and nothing worse can happen to you that day!

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be left waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.” Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Bipolar type 2 rapid cycling DX 2013 -
Seroquel 100
Celexa 20 mg
Xanax .5 mg prn
Modafanil 100 mg

Thanks for this!
mimsies
  #33  
Old Sep 23, 2017, 07:06 PM
Purple,Violet,Blue's Avatar
Purple,Violet,Blue Purple,Violet,Blue is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Sep 2017
Location: Britain
Posts: 2,899
This kind of thing will be different for everyone, I suppose. In my childhood, the violence was extreme and therefore it isn't possible to deny the connection when I am struggling in present-day life.
But I've certainly been through periods of denial about that, so I'd say it's an ever-changing picture, the way we assess the effects it's had on us.
Thanks for this!
RubyRae
  #34  
Old Sep 23, 2017, 09:59 PM
Purple Heart Purple Heart is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jul 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
Hi RubyRae

I read all the posts and thought I'd make some comments. I think the world is full of judgements and I think here there needs to be less judgement/criticism and more support!

Only you know your brother and everybody needs to honour your perception of his behaviour and attitudes. I read a book many years ago I think by Scott Peck and this issue arose in one of his chapters. I think from memory its unclear as to why some people confront their issues and become responsbile adults, while others avoid suffering and decide to never grow. He did talk about God's grace since he was a Christian. Somehow, some surivivors receive grace in order to find the strength and courage to be different from how their parents behaved and thought.

I think another thing that can stop people from growing is pain. You have to go through a great deal of pain if you want to face the truth and overcome your trauma/s. I think Peck said many people go through life avoiding their demons at all cost as it is too painful. Instead they turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc in order to medicate their internal pain. But the pain never goes away. Instead we have to face that pain and feel it in order to heal.

And as other members have said, we have to be responsible for our choices once we reach adulthood. Yes we were powerless as children but as adults we have choices and power. And with choice is responsibility and try to do the right thing in relationships and life.
Thanks for this!
mimsies, pachyderm, RubyRae
  #35  
Old Sep 24, 2017, 11:47 AM
happysobercrafter's Avatar
happysobercrafter happysobercrafter is offline
Elder
 
Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: MO
Posts: 5,677
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyRae View Post
I don't mean to hurt or offend anyone here,I am just genuinely curious about this...

Everyone knows that experiencing abuse in childhood leaves lasting effects even in adulthood.From my own experiences I can say that's 100% true,the abuse I endured shaped who I am today,shaped how and what I believe about myself and the world.And I know that it's up to me to work on helping myself,I can go to therapy and seek guidance but ultimately it's up to me whether I put in the hard work it takes in order to overcome my past,which I have been doing for quite a few years and I'm sure it will be neverending,I will continually be growing and changing.The fact that it takes so much time and effort to undo all the damage by the hands of other people seems so unfair,but I know that's what I have to do in order to live a decent life.

I know not everyone feels or believes the way I do about this.Some people,my brother for example,uses our childhood as an excuse for the way his life is now.He doesn't put in the time and effort it takes to help himself.He says things like he can't help it,he's messed up from childhood when he does things.If he goes to jail,according to him it's not because he committed a crime,it's because he's "messed up" from childhood.He's an alcoholic with liver damage and instead of trying to help himself he blames it on childhood,saying he started drinking at age 12.

Everything he says or does is blamed on our childhood and I don't see him ever improving,ever trying or ever getting anywhere with that mindset.And it's like he's permanently stuck in self pity over the things we experienced,always throwing it out there to everyone and anyone he's around,almost like he just wants pity from others.

That's what I don't understand,why some people forever hold onto what happened in childhood,blame their present life on the past,use it to justify and excuse their situations, behavior and circumstances instead of trying to help themselves or make any changes.Is it that they're not ready to?They simply don't want to?They don't know how to?Or do they gain something,whether consciously or subconsciously,by holding onto the past so tightly?

I know for myself,I held onto it so tightly for so long,until the pain of staying the same was worse than doing something about it.And I will admit that there were times I enjoyed wallowing in self pity,I'm not exactly sure why,but I did.

Anyway,what are your thoughts on this?Why do some choose to work on their issues and improve theirself while others choose to stay stuck?I say "choose" because I personally believe it's a choice.

Your brother is the only person who could answer this question but he may not know himself why he chooses to stay in pain. It could be deeply buried under God only knows what. In my opinion, I think people who hang on to their pain is because they have no idea about what they are missing out on. m I didn't until I was getting better and my perception improved. It is painful to work on past issues, but, for me, it was so much worse to continue to carry all of the toxic waste that was saturating my soul.

I am not blaming my background on my family. I do hold the three primary abusers accountable for the abuse they pummeled me with growing up. They catapulted me into alcoholism and a life of self-loathing. The woman I am today is because of all of the hard work I have done and do on a daily basis to regain as much of my health mentally, emotionally and physically that I can.

My mother and two older sisters were my primary abusers and to this very day, they defend Mother and her behavior. She died about 10 years ago, more or less. I think that they defend her because if they accepted her monstrosity, they would have to face their own behavior because she turned both of them into her thugs. Even if Mother wasn't home, they made sure I was punished and reminded of how worthless I was.

It is curious, why some people have the strength and courage to face themselves in therapy and others don't think they are strong enough. All behavior is taught. Who would teach someone that they have such low self-esteem that they can never get better? That the miserable life they live is so padlocked in place that it will never be possible to be changed. But change is possible to all of us. It can be scary, but it possible to those of us who decide to look at the possibilities and move forward to a better life.

I know that hard work first hand, I applaud you for making better choices for your life!
__________________


"Love you.
Take care of you.

Be true to you.

You are the only you,
you will ever know the best.


Reach for YOUR stars.


You can reach them better
than anyone else ever can."


Landon Clary Eason
Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007

Happy Sober Crafter
Hugs from:
Purple Heart, RubyRae
Thanks for this!
mimsies, RubyRae
  #36  
Old Sep 24, 2017, 08:00 PM
Anonymous49852
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I have a few things to say, but first to the OP: I can tell that you sincerely care about your brother. The only way he's ever going to get out of this cycle is if he starts taking responsibility for his actions. The past is done...the only thing that can be changed is his future and the only person who can change it is him. It seems that you're doing the opposite of "judging" him, you want what's best for him and know that making excuses isn't going to help.

To everyone: I know about fear as much as any of you. I start to have severe anxiety attacks any time I leave the house, I get paranoid that people are judging and criticizing me, or that someone is going to hurt me. But...I still choose to go where I need to go. To the store. To my appointments. To run errands. And even some places I WANT to go , like the park or out to eat. Am I still afraid when I do these things? Absolutely. Terrified at times, even. But I still do them because I know that I NEED to and it will work for the greater good. I geniuenly want to overcome what happened in my childhood, and I have hope that I will.

No one is expecting anyone to get all their crap together overnight. I'm probably as far from having it together as possible-I'm 24, on disability, barely have a social life , and still freak out over things others consider silly. But I won't sit back and say "welp, since my childhood was so bad, there's nothing I can do about that..." instead I'll say, "What can I do differently to improve this situation?" One example is that I'm now in school...one class, online for this semester. I may be moving at a snail's pace, but I'm TRYING. And everything I do along the way is my choice. Even when I have feelings that seem to trigger it, it's still up to me rather or not to act on those feelings.

No one is "condemning" anyone for where they're at in their healing. If you're working on improving at all-that's great. What people are saying is that if you're just using your childhood as an excuse and not taking control and responsibility for your actions, you're going to keep going round and round in the same cycle. That's not something I want to see happen to ANYONE. And I think if you truly care about someone, you let them know when something they are doing is detrimental to their healing and happiness. Many of us had parents or other caregivers who did not make good choices for us and caused us misery as children. Now that we are adults , we have to be our own parents and do for ourselves that they didn't. It's completely unfair-but I know that at least for me, I'll come out stronger for it. And everyone here has the ability to become stronger too, even if you don't believe it. I wish you all the best.

So, there's my 00.2.
Hugs from:
happysobercrafter, mimsies, Nammu, RubyRae
Thanks for this!
mimsies, Nammu, pachyderm, Purple Heart, RubyRae, Shazerac
  #37  
Old Sep 24, 2017, 08:58 PM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
Legendary
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
I didn’t blame my childhood until psychotherapy asked me what happened in my childhood. When I told them, those were some bad things, they were criteria for blame for my problems now...not by me, by the therapists.

I vented away on here, reliving my saga. Now I feel like it is far behind me once again, and I don’t blame my childhood now. I’ve healed and moved forward.

Today’s problems, may be worse because of the childhood trauma, but they did not get fixed by blaming or reliving the trauma. The problems are current and present in and of themselves.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
Hugs from:
Anonymous49852, happysobercrafter, RubyRae, Shazerac
Thanks for this!
happysobercrafter, mimsies, pachyderm, RubyRae
  #38  
Old Sep 26, 2017, 12:03 PM
Kruick Kruick is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: Oct 2016
Location: Salem OR
Posts: 12
It's fear, and the root cause of emotional problems. He doesn't feel safe. Understanding what happened and not blaming yourself for your parents mistakes is key in therapy. He just doesn't know how hard he is on himself yet.

Eventually a person has to come to these conclusions on their own. There is no validation for the hurt other than what we give ourselves.
Thanks for this!
pachyderm
Reply
Views: 2389

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:03 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.