When People Blame Their Childhood

Don't try to control the fear.
Control behavior.
Emotions are... emotions.
Actions are something one has to decide to participate in... usually. There is a natural fight or flight or freeze response that kicks in in extreme circumstances. Running away from danger physically is a flight response. Mentally dissociating is a freeze response, and the body sort of numbs itself so it won't feel the pain of being hopelessly trapped.

Fight response, however, is often used as an excuse for bad behavior. When you see someone on the ground fighting off a pile of attackers (often this is in videos of police brutality) THAT is a fight response. Screaming obscenities at a store clerk or other driver, or smacking another person around is a choice, not a fight response. Those are planned decided upon actions. Fight response is very primal and the main goal is to fight off danger and get away.

I am absolutely 100% NOT saying that anyone in this thread has done that. I am simply explaining the difference between dysfunctional behavioral choices, vs inability to control emotions, vs uncontrollable natural instincts in crisis situations.

A the Buddha would say, Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." And also, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."

If one of your hot-button issues is letting your fears control your choices in life, then how does it help your brother to judge him for not making the same choices, the same way, that you have?

All I've read in your thread are your excuses and justifications as to why you are choosing to judge your brother. Why do you feel the need to judge him the way that you do?

He is dealing with his abuse the way he is. Not the way that you are. He is not you. You are not him.

If you'd wanted your thread to be generic, I think it was unwise to use your brother as your thread's focus. Judging your brother does not define who he is -- it defines who YOU are.

Stop labeling your brother and others who are not like you. Stop judging how far people have to go to their recovery from childhood abuse. No one is on the same path as you are. Everyone is on their own path, Stop judging them for their path, just because it's differnet from yours. Start acknowledging how far they've come instead. And what good does it do for your own healing, to compare yourself to others' healing progress, esp. your brother's.

Childhood is when everything good and bad happens to a person, that shapes the way they live in the world for the rest of their lives.

I find it very interesting how there's been comments in this thread about me judging others and especially my brother yet I am also being judged by the ones that are making the comments.Which you also did too,not just once,but twice.Not only have you judged me but you have also criticized me.

Many of you are defending my brother,which for one thing, he was just an EXAMPLE.And for another thing,if you knew him you wouldn't be defending him,or at least I hope you wouldn't defend someone that lost custody of his young child because he and his wife physically and sexually abused her.And he blames that on his childhood too.

I really wish I had began this thread with better wording and wish I hadn't used my brother as an example,but I did,and it can't be undone.Pretty much this entire thread isn't even about what I intended it to be,which was:

But,people can say what they want,judge and criticize as much as you please,all I was trying to do was get answers because I was curious.This topic is obviously a bit too triggering or something to be discussed in a way that doesn't involve people judging and criticising me yet accusing me of judging my brother,or even about the original question I asked.

Therefore,I'm out.

Carry on with the discussion without me if you choose to.

Also,this:

This is exactly what this thread was supposed to be about,why some people have resigned in that belief and others haven't.The bad things that happen in childhood do shape the way they live in the world but with help and hard work and trying it doesn't have to be for the rest of their lives.

I think people are judging you and calling you out for things you didn't actually do or say in your original post or afterwards, but rather what they chose to insert as meanings into your words.

This is a classic example of choice of behavior.

And you are correct. The people criticizing you are being AT LEAST as judgmental and critical of you as they are accusing you of being. And they are doing it to someone they really don't know at all, and whose history they don't understand. At least YOU are well familiar with your brother. They are attacking a complete stranger.

At least it provides an excellent example of dysfunctional choices.

good post. (In my opinion)

This kind of thing will be different for everyone, I suppose. In my childhood, the violence was extreme and therefore it isn't possible to deny the connection when I am struggling in present-day life.
But I've certainly been through periods of denial about that, so I'd say it's an ever-changing picture, the way we assess the effects it's had on us.

Hi RubyRae

I read all the posts and thought I'd make some comments. I think the world is full of judgements and I think here there needs to be less judgement/criticism and more support!

Only you know your brother and everybody needs to honour your perception of his behaviour and attitudes. I read a book many years ago I think by Scott Peck and this issue arose in one of his chapters. I think from memory its unclear as to why some people confront their issues and become responsbile adults, while others avoid suffering and decide to never grow. He did talk about God's grace since he was a Christian. Somehow, some surivivors receive grace in order to find the strength and courage to be different from how their parents behaved and thought.

I think another thing that can stop people from growing is pain. You have to go through a great deal of pain if you want to face the truth and overcome your trauma/s. I think Peck said many people go through life avoiding their demons at all cost as it is too painful. Instead they turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc in order to medicate their internal pain. But the pain never goes away. Instead we have to face that pain and feel it in order to heal.

And as other members have said, we have to be responsible for our choices once we reach adulthood. Yes we were powerless as children but as adults we have choices and power. And with choice is responsibility and try to do the right thing in relationships and life.

Your brother is the only person who could answer this question but he may not know himself why he chooses to stay in pain. It could be deeply buried under God only knows what. In my opinion, I think people who hang on to their pain is because they have no idea about what they are missing out on. m I didn't until I was getting better and my perception improved. It is painful to work on past issues, but, for me, it was so much worse to continue to carry all of the toxic waste that was saturating my soul.

I am not blaming my background on my family. I do hold the three primary abusers accountable for the abuse they pummeled me with growing up. They catapulted me into alcoholism and a life of self-loathing. The woman I am today is because of all of the hard work I have done and do on a daily basis to regain as much of my health mentally, emotionally and physically that I can.

My mother and two older sisters were my primary abusers and to this very day, they defend Mother and her behavior. She died about 10 years ago, more or less. I think that they defend her because if they accepted her monstrosity, they would have to face their own behavior because she turned both of them into her thugs. Even if Mother wasn't home, they made sure I was punished and reminded of how worthless I was.

It is curious, why some people have the strength and courage to face themselves in therapy and others don't think they are strong enough. All behavior is taught. Who would teach someone that they have such low self-esteem that they can never get better? That the miserable life they live is so padlocked in place that it will never be possible to be changed. But change is possible to all of us. It can be scary, but it possible to those of us who decide to look at the possibilities and move forward to a better life.

I know that hard work first hand, I applaud you for making better choices for your life!

I have a few things to say, but first to the OP: I can tell that you sincerely care about your brother. The only way he's ever going to get out of this cycle is if he starts taking responsibility for his actions. The past is done...the only thing that can be changed is his future and the only person who can change it is him. It seems that you're doing the opposite of "judging" him, you want what's best for him and know that making excuses isn't going to help.

To everyone: I know about fear as much as any of you. I start to have severe anxiety attacks any time I leave the house, I get paranoid that people are judging and criticizing me, or that someone is going to hurt me. But...I still choose to go where I need to go. To the store. To my appointments. To run errands. And even some places I WANT to go , like the park or out to eat. Am I still afraid when I do these things? Absolutely. Terrified at times, even. But I still do them because I know that I NEED to and it will work for the greater good. I geniuenly want to overcome what happened in my childhood, and I have hope that I will.

No one is expecting anyone to get all their crap together overnight. I'm probably as far from having it together as possible-I'm 24, on disability, barely have a social life , and still freak out over things others consider silly. But I won't sit back and say "welp, since my childhood was so bad, there's nothing I can do about that..." instead I'll say, "What can I do differently to improve this situation?" One example is that I'm now in school...one class, online for this semester. I may be moving at a snail's pace, but I'm TRYING. And everything I do along the way is my choice. Even when I have feelings that seem to trigger it, it's still up to me rather or not to act on those feelings.

No one is "condemning" anyone for where they're at in their healing. If you're working on improving at all-that's great. What people are saying is that if you're just using your childhood as an excuse and not taking control and responsibility for your actions, you're going to keep going round and round in the same cycle. That's not something I want to see happen to ANYONE. And I think if you truly care about someone, you let them know when something they are doing is detrimental to their healing and happiness. Many of us had parents or other caregivers who did not make good choices for us and caused us misery as children. Now that we are adults , we have to be our own parents and do for ourselves that they didn't. It's completely unfair-but I know that at least for me, I'll come out stronger for it. And everyone here has the ability to become stronger too, even if you don't believe it. I wish you all the best.

So, there's my 00.2.

I didn’t blame my childhood until psychotherapy asked me what happened in my childhood. When I told them, those were some bad things, they were criteria for blame for my problems now...not by me, by the therapists.

I vented away on here, reliving my saga. Now I feel like it is far behind me once again, and I don’t blame my childhood now. I’ve healed and moved forward.

Today’s problems, may be worse because of the childhood trauma, but they did not get fixed by blaming or reliving the trauma. The problems are current and present in and of themselves.

It's fear, and the root cause of emotional problems. He doesn't feel safe. Understanding what happened and not blaming yourself for your parents mistakes is key in therapy. He just doesn't know how hard he is on himself yet.

Eventually a person has to come to these conclusions on their own. There is no validation for the hurt other than what we give ourselves.