[mostly.nervous]

I have no idea to explain how I feel. I’m a female who’s 14 yrs. old. I have good friends and good parents. This year I have said my most kept secret and it felt that this secret was a part of me. Since I feel like every adult knows my secret I’ll tell you. Around the age of 7-10 where I use to play at my cousin’s house all the time, my cousin who is a female and only a few months older than me wanted to explore the idea of sex. I was a loner at the time and the only friend I had was my cousin so I agreed. I knew what sex was because of the internet. So we did what older people do when they had sex, touch and kiss and even did it in public, I didn’t like it but I didn’t want to lose a friend. I feel like it’s supposed to be traumatizing but it’s not. I forgive my cousin and she doesn’t remember a thing.
As I was in my primary years I was so obsessed with being one of the cool kids because I thought the only way to get friends was to be ‘cool’. I have a twin sister but we aren’t close as I hoped to be, she pushes me away and would rather be with someone else or herself. I spent my time being alone and go to the corner of the library where no one will notice me. I was really unorganized in school I was late every day, didn’t bring in notes on time, my grades were below standard, my only friend wasn’t my friend and forgot about me. I became isolated and I acted in a way a typical geek, edgy stereotype would be in a movie. So I did what I wanted to do, I was reckless and didn’t think of my actions. My reputation in school back then was the quiet kid who is really disorganized. I didn’t do well in school and I was really dumb and I had to go to a math group that helped kids who weren’t good at math.
Year 3 was traumatizing for me. I hated that year, I hated it because I couldn’t figure out a simple problem, I hated getting help, I hated that my teacher couldn’t be patient with me and would get frustrated with me. I was constantly watched by my teacher and would always fear to go to school every day.
All this really lowered my self-esteem. I was constantly compared to my twin. That’s when I started not to talk or say anything. My twin was really smart, getting higher grades than me and causing me to hate how dumb I was. I was really awkward and I didn’t know how to make friends, the only friends I have were fake friends. I acted in a way that wasn’t me, I was her personal servant and would call me a trash bin because I eat her food that she doesn’t want.
Year 6 was when I got my first real friends. One of the best years of my life. But not until high school came. Year 7 was alright, had a crush and it was an okay year. Year 8 was a soul-crushing year. I made a friend group and they would constantly try to make my crush and me to be together. One day, it looked like he had enough. He didn’t say anything but I know it. I ran and avoided my group. His ‘wingman’ kept saying sorry but I was too ashamed and embarrassed by myself. I was in the bathroom and my friends were telling me how dumb it is to avoid them. He sent a note telling me that we can stay friends. I was really embarrassed with myself and I ran. My group is split, so there are two groups, girls and boys. I ran and the boys were running towards me and the girls were chasing me, horrified and scared I ran to the oval. My dramatic friend started crying because I wanted to leave the group and I cried because I was frustrated with everyone.
Year 9, this year is the worst year so far. The first term I was suicidal. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated the talks from my parents. The talk is a family meeting talking about how disappointed they are with us and why we aren’t ‘changing’ and how we are still immature, don’t know initiative, lazy, technology-obsessed and would point out our every single flaw. They would try to ‘help’ us ‘change’. I was sick and tired of constantly disappointing my parents and how every day they would find something to get mad about. Financial issues and marriage were in the way. I remember in school the vice principal said they were bad parents and would take us to child services. I hated school and myself and how I’m second place. My best friend is one of the smartest kids in the school/grade. She is very talented knowing how to draw and her academic skills are up, knowing how to play the piano and being humble.
I feel so underappreciated, sorry I seem selfish. I set unhealthy standards for myself, expecting scores that I couldn’t reach. I just hated that I’m not seen as an individual and a stereotype. The quiet girl, the nice girl, a person that is decent, a default. M definition of default is when a person who is at standard and what people would expect. I just really hate that what I do is not good enough. My drawings, my pieces of work I out with passion is looked passed by, they just see my best friend. I’m just hurt that teachers would like my best friend because she is amazing and I’m just nobody. All my friends are smart and socially acceptable, I have a friend who knows a lot and very philosophical and one of the smart people in school, another friend who is very smart in English and every other subject and who got 100 percent in her exam, a friend who can balance her social and school life very well and her academic scores are also high. All my friends are high achievers and are above standard. I just feel like I couldn’t live anymore and I wasn’t good enough.
So I wrote to my teacher who is in Canada and told her my feelings. The next day police arrived. They pounded on my door and barged into my house, a female officer shouted with a stern voice calling out my name. I held my blanket and opened my door a little. My mum screamed my name and looked at me with a horrified look asking me what I did. I looked at the police officer with my heart pounding and tears ready to escape my face, I answered with a stuttered yes. She talked to me while I curled into my blanket crying with my nose blocked, it was humid inside. She told me something that broke my heart and ripped out my heartstrings. ‘I came here so you wouldn’t do anything stupid’ not something you would say to a suicidal person.
After that I went to the doctors, the doctor kept asking me questions I couldn’t answer, he was frustrated with me and I was silent because I was so scared. He said it was my hormones. I left scared to go back. I went to school with a handful of teachers knowing I was suicidal. I went to my school counsellor and it was okay. She then learnt about my sexual assault and contacted child services. They kept telling me about my secret and it was very hard. Then they learnt about my dad’s gambling problem. It was going downhill and I really wanted to die. But my friends and family were supportive and they helped me. But I still feel suicidal but not as strong as before. I still think of ways to kill myself or to run away and be alone.
I love my parents. I just don’t like my sisters. I have 3, let’s call them 1, 2 and 3. 1 is my twin, she has bipolar disorder, caused by genetic. We use to be close but she pushed me away. We talked about our problems but we’re not strong as before. I’m not close to her. She would blame me for things I didn’t do, she would always get her way, would do anything like crying to get her way, she’s easily gets annoyed, sometimes she loves me and then doesn’t talk to me. I couldn’t talk to her and doesn’t feel like she respects me. If I were to talk about my feelings she would listen but wouldn’t act like it, would go on her phone and just ignore me. I avoid her and I dislike her.
2 is the middle child. She has anger problems, I don’t talk to her and has issues. She has a very bad attitude, she would ignore you and disrespect you. She thinks of herself instead of others, she’s obsessed with her tablet and would fight anyone if you touch it. She uses her problems to escape situations. If you would talk to her about what she would do wrong she would start to get angry and cry. She talks back and she is very rude
3 is the youngest. I love her but she follows number 2. I don’t talk to her much.
I don’t have anyone in my family to share my feelings too. I love my parents, they care for me and they are facing problems like finical issues and death of their loved ones. I don’t want them to think they are bad parents. I want to know am I depressed or do I just believe that I am? What’s my problem?

[Shazerac]

Welcome to psych central

I don't know to answer your question about what is your problem. However, you are struggling with serious and overwhelming issues. I'm sorry to hear that

Feel free to come to this forum when you need to talk.

[Kruick]

I do believe I know what your problem is, since I had si circumstances. You said one key thing. It is noted in Psychology that by the age of 9, if a child isn't nurtured enough, they lose their identity and begin to act like someone they perceive as cool.

My abuse and neglect was difficult to find as it was disguised as Christianity. The fact is, it is your parents fault. Confronting them with evidence is as the Borg say Futile. Do not attempt this, but seek the validation you need in therapy. Do not seek validation from anyone other than yourself. The only pity you need is from yourself, the only validation you need is from someone you trust....not a boyfriend, he will hurt you worse if you don't love yourself.

How do you do that? First of all, stop letting your parents tell you what to feel. You have to grow up a bit quicker, but it is for a reason. Somewhere down the line the lessons you are learning will be the foundation for raising your child.

It's all part of being a parent, realizing the mistakes your parents made and changing them for your children. Bitterness has no place there, as it will be passed down to your children if you do not let go.

YouTube is fairly new, and not everyone is uploading videos of how to do something. Here's the hard reality, behavior is learned, once it is learned past the age of 25 when the mind slows down, it's nearly impossible to unlearn.

Again, I caution you to not confront your abuser(s). I have and it's brought me nothing but pain. Read my post "Gaslighting, psychological and physical" for a better look at how you have been brainwashed. Yes brainwashed, that's exactly what the TV does to you until you learn that having a few extra pounds and being ugly doesn't mean you won't be beautiful to someone else.