Confusing...

I mostly came here just for this forum. I just.. don't know what to think anymore. I guess I should explain..

Growing up, my father was a terrible drug addict and neglected me. He was physically abusive to my mother (no idea if he ever hurt me) and we moved away from him and escaped when I was about 6. Around that time, my mom met another man who was apparently very charming and funny to her. He started to live with us and after a while, I decided that I did not like him. He was... scary to my young mind, especially when angry. When I told them this, he apparently laid in bed all day crying and my mother made me go and apologize. Eventually when I was about 10 or so, whenever we would sit down to watch cartoons together, his hand would travel elsewhere and he would, well.. just touch me (above the clothes. It never got worse than that I think). I didn't know what this meant at all so I just ignored it. One time he made me wear a short skirt to sit next to him and I think I barely recall him snapping the elastic of my underwear once. I told my mom about the skirt part and how it made me uncomfortable and she said she would talk to him. I honestly have no idea if she ever did.

Anyways, he eventually would start to touch me in the car when we would drive to school. He never said a single word. There was no threats, or no orders to keep anything a secret. All I remember from it was that it was uncomfortable and slightly painful.

I remember sometimes he would lay next to me and I also barely recall maybe... inappropriate movements to me, but that could also just be a false memory. There's also this one time he walked into my room looking for something and his, erm.. thing was out before he left again.
After that, just a few months ago, we moved away to take care of his grandfather who would wrap his arms around my waist and his hands would travel a little over my legs, so that now I feel intensely uncomfortable around him. We moved away from him because of job opportunities, but he's supposed to come and move in with us in a few months..

And so, at age 13, my step father stopped I guess. That's when he started to become more verbally abusive. He tells me that everything is my fault, even his own mistakes. He always acts like he's the victim and that I'm so terrible to him so my mom always thinks I'm just being a brat. He would start to smack/hit himself in the head and pull his hair whenever I would say something wrong. He also has the tendency to slam stuff around whenever he's angry and I'm scared hell one day take it out on me..
He's been making some comments about my weight lately too. He would use the nicknames snot, phlegm, mucus, etc. a few years ago (I'm 17 now) and the current names he uses are terrible child/daughter, or just child. Sometimes if I make him mad he'll ignore me for days and will just glare at me. Both my parents have said to not trust my friends very much because they might betray me one day and murder me. They also say that I'm a slob and any compliments I get on hair or clothes is probably just to be nice and isn't genuine..
My stepfather instantly changes his personality though when around new people and transforms from a whiney, sensitive, and mean person to a kind and respectful adult. Only 2 people have ever pointed out his rude behavior but no one believes them and they've been outcasted...

That's mostly it since I don't want to continue.

I just noticed that so many people in my life have it worse than me and I feel terrible for complaining. I should just shut my mouth and be more grateful for what I have...

I just need advice. I have depression because of them but I keep up the act that I'm alright around them. They had a son and my mom is so happy, I don't want to ruin everything with my own problems..

Thank you for reading!

I am so sorry you were so terribly abused. You might want to consider seeing a therapist. None of that was your fault; abusers blame the abused; they are cowards. xo

This is a terrible situation you are in. You are being abused, and have been being abused for years now. None of this is your fault. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life? A school counselor or trusted teacher?

HUG

Holy cow! What a horrible situation to be in. You have and are experiencing abuse. You are not a bad person. You need help and what is more important you DESERVE help.

I would, but.. it's terrifying. I don't want to ruin things for my mother who is finally happy...
For so long I've been convinced that it was all alright. As far as I know he only ever touched me above my clothes and so many people have had it worse. Some of them never say anything either and just go on with their lives. Shouldn't I be able to do the same?

So many people just go on with their lives, and then, when they are 30 or 40 or 50 they realize it's always been there, impacting their lives at every turn.

What are your plans when you finish high school? Are you going to college? Going to work? Concentrate on developing a plan to get out and on your own and independent as soon as you can.

I do highly recommend that you do find a therapist at some point though. If you don't feel comfortable doing it now, then do it in the future after you are out on your own. I waited until I was in my 50's and regret waiting so long.

Caspy, I am so sorry this man's abusive and illegal behavior has put you in this situation. This is such a huge burden for you to have to carry and it isn't yours. It is his and his alone.
I was abused by my father and felt the same things you have felt. It isn't fair. Your teenage years aren't supposed to be about dealing with things like this. Teenagers are not supposed to feel like the future happiness of everyone they love depends on whether they tolerate ongoing abuse or not.

Let's pretend a bit... lets say you are a mom and you have a daughter who is being abused in the same way by your partner. Would you want her to tell you so you could protect her, or would you want her to put up with it so you could continue to stay with your partner? (There really is only one ethically appropriate answer here).

Please tell someone. Please tell your mom, a friend, a friend's mom, a crisis helpline, a school counsellor, anyone, someone. You are worth protecting. Your right to be free from abuse is ethically legally and morally greater than your family's need to be together. A family that harbors incest is not a healthy family for anyone to be in.

I'm sorry.. I'm still too scared.. I can't do it.. I'm gonna graduate soon anyways, so.. I'm sure I can just wait it out..