Feeling betrayed.

Hey all. I hope everyone is doing alright. I'm not sure how well I can articulate my thoughts here, but I'll try.

I've mostly been keeping to myself at home. My room is basically my home. I come out to take showers, eat and that's really about it. I don't engage with my grandma at all, other than saying "good morning" and "goodnight". I used to tell my mom about my grandma's horrible behaviors but now I don't because there's no point.

However, my grandma came up in a conversation my mom and I were having today. My mom said she felt sad for my grandmother and she said, "I can't blame her for her behavior." And that made me feel angry. It made me feel betrayed. It made me feel like crying. I still feel like crying but lately I've just been holding back my emotions because there really isn't any point in expressing them and I feel pathetic for feeling like I want to cry.

I love my mom to death. I'll always be grateful for the sacrifices she's made for me but I feel really betrayed. I don't understand how she can NOT blame my grandma for her own behavior. I understand that when people are abused, they go on to abuse others. I get that. However that's not an excuse for their abusive behaviors. It's just not. She can't excuse my grandma's behavior because, by doing that, she's excusing the emotional and sexual abuse I went through since I was a little kid.

I have alway felt like it was my job to keep this family together but this year I realized that it's not. That's why I'm just sticking to myself while looking for jobs. I want to get out of here as fast as possible. I want to live a happy life and be independent. I'll be terrified to live on my own because of fears of being assaulted but at least I'll be away from home.

I just feel really alone, you know? I never got justice for my csa and my emotional abuse was just pushed to the side when my mom would just say, "You can't let your grandma get to you." That's hard when you're a kid dealing with a lot of other issues.

I feel like I never really had a good childhood, especially my teenage years. I see teenagers walking and laughing together and they look happy. I know that people may look happy on the surface while going through problems but they just look happy, you know? And I never felt like that as a teenager. I missed out on a lot of things. I'm missing the things I never had.

I just wanted to get this all out because I just feel so weird right now. So weird and alone. I don't know how to cope with my emotions as of late. I just shut down. I'm afraid I'll explode at some point.

Anyway, if you read this, thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

I assume your mom was also abused by this woman? I mean she had to have been... unless it is your paternal grandmother?

It's my maternal grandmother. Yea, unfortunately she was, emotionally and physically. Whenever my grandma would talk poorly about my mom and call her derogatory terms I've always stood up to her but there's only so much I can do. I've tried hard to fix this family and to let my mom see that she can be free of my grandmother. My grandmother has 2 other children who want nothing to do with her. So my mom has been taking care of her since she came to this country when I was 3 years old. My mom originally asked my grandmother to come to America so my mom could get some help taking care of me, as my mom is a single mother. My grandmother completely took advantage of that situation. Now my mom feels she's obligated to take care of my grandmother and she said that when I move out it'll just be her and her mother because my mom doesn't want to be alone. There's nothing I can do at this point...I wish there was but whenever I try to speak up and confront my grandma or try to repair the ties between all of us, I get in trouble.

I'm sorry, this reply was way longer than it should have been. But thank you for replying. <3

I am sorry you have been so much. The length of your reply was just fine and nothing to be sorry for. <3

Perhaps if you understand that your mom is psychologically a prisoner of this woman, you will feel less betrayed. She was a prisoner for long before you were born, and will probably remain imprisoned. I would guess, unspoken, she probably blames herself for your grandmother's behavior. She is not even CAPABLE of considering it to be your grandma's fault because she learned a way to explain it to herself as a way to survive her mother's brutality... and has never had a chance to learn something more accurate.

It seems she has managed to communicate that it isn't YOUR fault, even though she can't bring herself to blame her own mother. She IS trying to protect you, so you don't end up trapped like her, but perhaps that is the most she knows how to do. I am not saying it is OK or that she is right. What I am saying is that maybe she is doing the best she knows how to do given her internal and external resources. She is not trying to betray you.

Giant Hugs. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You are a good person and a good son.

Sorry for the late reply...It's been a tough week. And yea, I know she's not actively trying to betray me. She never would. I still feel that way, though. I definitely understand why she is the way she is because my grandma was abusive to everyone except my uncle, who she put on a pedestal. I just wish she can see things from my point of view...It's tough seeing her in this position and not listening to what I have to say. -sighs- I just want her to be free of my grandmother's grasp.

Thanks a lot for everything you said. It really means a lot to me. Sometimes I feel like a horrible person but what you said made me feel better.