After a lifelong struggle of trying to convince my mother to apologize for her abuse and neglect of me, I realized it wasn't going to happen, and I asked her not to contact me again.

My brother now tells me I had a "severe reaction to a normal upbringing," "couldn't absorb the everyday blows of life, the sometimes harsh realities" and I'm just "taking everything personally" and being "oversensitive."

If he thinks our childhood was normal, with all its alcoholism, its marriage, divorce, re-marriage, re-divorce, moving from place to place, being slapped and belted more because of the parent's stress level than because of the child's misbehavior, and yes, even sexual abuse, all of that is part of a NORMAL upbringing, he can have it. My final words to him were, "There is a word for that. It's called denial." Then I unfriended and blocked him and my mother on Facebook, where all of this conversation was happening. Furthermore, also filtered them out of Gmail so their messages won't get to me.

[Flooded]

I deleted my father a few years ago for similar reasons. Best thing I ever did. Hope it helps you also

My husband has been on a self-imposed "no contact" with his father almost since the very day he turned 18 (which was over 30 years ago.) The difference between his family and mine is that his family backs him up. Nobody ELSE will have anything to do with his father either. And when incidents from his childhood come up in the conversation, nobody belittles it, tells him it didn't happen or that it wasn't that bad, nothing like that.

I've long been criticized by family for "holding on to it" and not "putting it behind me." Well, how could I, when I continued to be confronted with it? How can I "forgive" something that supposedly didn't happen or wasn't that bad? Telling me to "get over it" acknowledges that there is something to "get over."

And if it's so "normal" then there is no reason for me to "keep my mouth shut" about it, is there?

Maybe now that I'm never going to talk to any of them again, I finally CAN put it behind me.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Maybe now that I'm never going to talk to any of them again, I finally CAN put it behind me.

WORKS FOR ME! Seriously, it helps a lot. T's had been begging me to do it for years, saying they couldn't really work with me as long as I was seeing them, it kept undoing any progress I was making. The last few years - well, there have been calls that will set me back - but still, it's been a big improvement. To not get those demeaning, diminishing messages re-imprinted in your brain. It's the only way to grow. Good luck.

[sassyseattle]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

If he thinks our childhood was normal, with all its alcoholism, its marriage, divorce, re-marriage, re-divorce, moving from place to place, being slapped and belted more because of the parent's stress level than because of the child's misbehavior, and yes, even sexual abuse, all of that is part of a NORMAL upbringing, he can have it.

I hear ya, sister. Same for me.
but although I have certainly LIMITED family contact, I find myself too chicken to completely eliminate it. And even with such limited contact, I am still unable to get past it all.

Originally Posted by sassyseattle

I hear ya, sister. Same for me.
but although I have certainly LIMITED family contact, I find myself too chicken to completely eliminate it. And even with such limited contact, I am still unable to get past it all.

I was too chicken, for a long time. Or I would allow myself to be guilt-tripped into resuming contact (often a misuse of the concept of forgiveness.) And of course after resuming contact, the same old invalidating treatment begins again.

But now the contact is nil.

My daughters, thank God, are willing to continue a relationship with me, and allow me into my grandchildren's lives. Yet I carried my childhood into my parenting, and abused them too. The difference is that while my family members dismiss and belittle and say it wasn't that bad, I say to my daughters, "You are right. That was abuse, and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry I did it."

Which is all I wanted to hear my family say, but they won't.

[Omers]

I cut off various members of my family at various points in my life depending on where I was and where they were. Some seem to be permanent at least so far. Others have come around. I cut my mother out for some 2 years. I did a lot of work and being cut off forced her to take a better look at herself too. Now we are closer than ever in a healthy way and of all my family she has the best relationship with my son.
It isn't easy but you have to take care of you, no one else will.

[Purple Heart]

Hi People
Something I can relate to as well. I'm 'having a break' from my family as said above they're invalidating to me. They dismiss and ignore what really went on in the family. It's a bit scary but I'm taking one day at a time. I need to do it for my mental health and so that I can heal.

[Flooded]

My siblings still have contact with our father, but still ***** and moan to ME! Then they say they can't understand why I don't see him, life was tough for him too, he was only doing what he knew how to do etc so I have restricted contact with them also.

[Unrigged64072835]

I also have limited contact with my parents. My dad will never admit the physical and verbal abuse, even as he is now dying of cancer. He'd just say that's how he was raised and it worked for him. I have only seen them recently before my mom died. Nothing has changed in all the years that I've been gone. I'm still debating whether to do the same for my dad.

[(JD)]

Tough love. It's good you are trying to take care of self.