[Open Eyes]

So, last night I sat and watched a cable news channel because I wanted to see what happened when Rosenstein was questioned. I got to learn what was said in some texts that were found disturbing and how these texts brought into question about how the investigations taking place may not be "fair".

In a couple of the texts the attorney in charge of investigating talked about going to Walmart and how he could just smell the stench of what he considered a certain kind of voter.

I found that statement SO TRIGGERING tbh. I grew up in a family that was middle class, but we most certainly were not rich. My mother had to be very resourceful when it came to buying food, clothing, furniture and shoes. I learned how to be resourceful because of how my mother shopped. We even would save up for when there was a huge sidewalk sale and I have fond memories of how much fun we had when we could visit all the stores and actually be able to buy things we could not have afforded to pay full price for.

Also, my mother also made it a point to have some money set aside so we could also buy things for a woman that had four children that was a single mother and needed help. We learned how to enjoy finding things for ourselves, but also finding nice things for the children the woman was struggling to feed and cloth too.

When my husband and I were trying to have a nice home for our own child, we built a home in a small neighborhood of new homes where other young couples were building homes. While I have experienced some of this before, I was not prepared for how these other mothers/couples behaved. It became clear that I was not acceptable in that my new home was not as big as theirs.
It also became clear that I would be judged on the kind of car I drove and if I was dressing my child in "designer" clothes.

The other thing I experienced is how these other individuals did not CARE how other's felt, and being nice and wanting to be friendly I invited them into my home only to experience them picking my home apart to each other not even considering MY feelings.

These other women began talking about certain stores that were MUST stores to shop at. So one day I took a drive to one of these stores to see why it was SO IMPORTANT. YES, this store had beautiful children's clothes, but I could not afford to buy them. But I did look at the designer labels and what these clothes were like. I looked around that store for something I could afford to buy. And what I really wanted was one of their shopping bags that was designed to say how you bought something at this specific store.

Then I made sure I kept that bag and proceeded to shop at hand me down or second hand stores to see if I could find clothes with these labels that were in good condition and cost a fraction of what this so called "must shop at" store charged. There is supposed to be a certain amount of "shame" when shopping at these stores, one of which was the "good will" too. Then I would put these clothes in the bag that had the name of this so called "must buy at" store so when I got home they would see me walk into my house with this bag where they would "think" I shopped where they shopped. I dressed my daughter well, she was always clean and I managed to dress her in these clothes with these "important" labels.

I got so I HATED living in that neighborhood. One day when I was once again trying to be friendly and walked over to a few of them gathered on the street talking, they all had these reflector sunglasses on. I found that unsettling because I could not see if they were even looking at me when I encouraged conversation with them. Then one of them walked away to her house and these other women, behind her back began making fun of her. That is when I thought to myself, "I don't want to be friendly with these women who behave this way".

I was not raised to think "in order to be worthy you have to have X". YET, it was always there and in ways that actually traumatized me. I did not know how I shoved these experiences away in my mind and that one day if something bad enough happened all these things would come back to remind me just how bad different experiences were and then this constant message of how I was not supposed to FEEL or talk about how my feelings were hurt or how something bothered me.

I have PTSD and I have had a hard time when it comes to being brave and talking about things that "hurt" me. Sometimes when I get triggered I end up having a lot of things come forward all at once. Hearing/reading that text ends up bringing back a lot of things from my history where I was judged and considered to be "unworthy" because of how I did things in order to thrive as a human being.

A lot of my fondest memories are about how my mother took us out to hunt for things because of the day that so many things would be on sale and within our reach to have these nice things. I did not realize that I had a STENCH about me for partaking in this kind of shopping because my mother made it so much fun.

[starryprince]

Hi Open Eyes! I'll try to be as articulate as possible because this really hit home for me. (I'm not trying to make this about me, so I hope it doesn't seem like that. Sorry if I ramble and go off on tangents.)

I grew up in poverty. That hasn't really changed. However, like you, I didn't think I was poor when I was a little kid. In fact, I thought I was rich because I had shelter and food! Kids are so interesting but their mindsets are really great. Anyways, that's what I thought when I was a kid. My mom always dressed me well. I was clean, had clean clothes, everything. I didn't ask for much (I still don't) but I remember when I would ask for a toy or to go to the movies, my mom would say, "Maybe next week", meaning she didn't have the money. I would never get the toy or go to the movies, and that bummed me out but I got used to it. (To this day, she still does that and I get angry because I'm like, "Why can't she just tell me she's financially struggling?" But I understand that she is sometimes ashamed to say that and I feel bad.) Anyways. Yea, so then I got older and I started seeing things for what they really are.

I hit middle school and started going over to my friend's houses (they actually had houses!) and I started getting jealous because I thought, "How come they have a house and we don't? How come they have a place that's mice and cockroach free? That's not fair. My mother works SUPER hard. That's not fair." And that's when I realized that I was actually poor, you know? And, in middle school, some kids made fun of me for not having designer clothes (I still don't see the point of designer clothes...). That made me sad.

Now I'm older and I am terrified of financially struggling in my adulthood. I just got my first job, so I'm glad that I get to be independent, which will help out my mom, but I still have that fear big time.

"I was not raised to think "in order to be worthy you have to have X". YET, it was always there and in ways that actually traumatized me."

I really relate to this. I was raised the same way, but as soon as I got older it hit me that is what the world bases people's worth on: how much they have. It's wrong and it sucks, but that's the reality.

The thing is, many upper class individuals don't know what it's like to struggle financially. And if they do, then they just forget their past entirely. They're privileged, and with privilege comes entitlement.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I actually think that we're strong people BECAUSE we know how to budget and survive while trying to make ends meet.

I'm really sorry that the people in your neighborhood are like that. You sound like a genuinely nice person and a great parent. They sound superficial and you don't need that in your life.

That and I'm sure your house is awesome!