[Loose Screw x 2]

Okay. This isn't easy to talk about as persons with desires like mine are often ridiculed by the closed minded and society already but, I will do the best that I can and tell you all that I know as far as what happened to me, who did it, how I was treated over it and what it felt like.
I have a foot fetish as well as knismolagnia (tickle fetish) that started when I was very young, barely more than a toddler because of something that I seen and a series of experiences that I had at that age.
I have revealed this part because it is a main factor in what I am going to talk about.

When I turned 12 years old I was already a decent artist. I mainly drew cars and cartoon characters when I started to go through puberty, like most boys my age I began to think about other things and I already knew from experience that what I was into wasn't considered as normal so I hid the pictures that I began to draw for my own entertainment so, that if anyone happened to come into my room they wouldn't find them and I would be safe from humiliation and ridicule.
Now also around this same time my mother was getting very angry with me because I would go into my room and lock my door when I wanted to draw or to be alone to look at my art work.
She would beat on my door and demand that I open it immediately so, I would have to hide all of my art and open the door. These interruptions were frequent and nerve racking.
She knew what was going on and I sensed that but, didn't want to argue about it for obvious reasons.
Even when I was a little kid and would draw stuff or react to things that reminded me of my fetishes, my mom and elder brother would act as though they thought something was wrong with me or would laugh at the pictures I'd tried to draw.
Getting back to the problem where I was a 12 year old though, it was very stressful and very difficult for me to have any kind of privacy to look at my own art and I was always terrified that my mother or brother would find it and laugh at my art and make fun of my desires. I was so scared that I picked really good places to hide my art and pictures cut from magazines and stuff but, one day about a year or two later (this was very long ago) my mother forced her way into my room by using a kind of lock pic and my brother was right behind her with a big smile on his face.
The dreaded day had come. It was horrible.

Possible trigger:

Everything that I'd drawn, stuff that I'd collected here and there, even hidden posters of attractive women, altered to match my tastes were dragged out into the open and my stuff was exposed and laughed at right in front of me and in my own room. Even worse from that point until I was in my early to mid twenties comments and jokes were made both directly to me or deliberately in front of others by my brother to make me feel worse. He liked doing this in front of his friends, my dad and step mother's friends and pretty much anyone else around to hear. That is only the second worst part of all of this.
Now I'm going to tell you about the sick, twisted part and I do warn you that it could be disturbing.
My mother had a lot of mental problems too made worse through her own bad experiences and whether that was connected with any of this or not I am not sure.
After my mother discovered that I still had a fascination for women's feet, she began to start talking about feet in my presence and make comments and vain remarks about her own feet and how this was a sign of femininity and that was a sign of femininity in regards to the size and shape of women's feet and how feminine it was for a woman's feet to be "little" or "dainty" as she so often put it and on and on and on like a damn broken record! She even told me that my dad had once kissed her on the bottom of one of her foot. Over the years this was mentioned again and again. And my mother was also a fan of Cinderella and anytime it was on TV or brought up in any way or anything at all to do with women's feet was mentioned the talk about under-sized (no offense to those with small feet) feet being shapely and high arched and a sign of femininity would start up. I never knew how to react to any of this it was so disturbing so I just tried to ignore it or pretend it didn't bother me but, in my eyes then and now it was/is a very sick thing for a parent to subject a child to, knowing good and well that that child/teen has some type of sexual preference or desire or whatever you want to call it and here they are talking about it like this and basically insinuating to that child/teen that their own feet are desirable.
This disgusting, psychological sexual abuse continued well into my adulthood and the last time anything to do with feet was brought up to me by my mother, it was about being ticklish because she also had known about that as well from pictures I had drawn as a kid and later as a teen.
The last remark or comment had been something to the effect of how she would react if someone tickled her foot and how she "...would probably go "Ooooooooooo!".
So in addition to nearly killing my foot fetish numerous times she had chosen now to make it even worse by going after my tickle fetish.
About 6 years later she died of stomach cancer.
I don't hate my mother or brother but, what they did to me was very wrong and exceedingly cruel.
So, anyway. There it is. Two fetishes nearly destroyed and for many years those two fetishes were my only source, my only outlet for satisfaction. I desired nothing else. I don't understand it. Why? I honestly believe to this day that my own biological mother was sexually attracted to me on some level and this was how she expressed it.

I know that stuff like this is supposed to be extremely rare and unheard of but, I swear on my very soul and everything I hold sacred that this is how it was. My family does not want to believe any of it. As though it never occurred or that, I just misunderstood it. That's all. I would like to know if anyone else out there has experienced anything at all similar to this. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing this. I was an only child. And I basically had good parents. In fact, had I been the normal child they expected to get, I think I would have had quite good parents. But instead of the normal boy they expected, they got a mixed up, secretive, depressed & anxious tranny (except that way back when I was young the words transgender & transsexual hadn't even been coined yet that I know of. So I really had no idea at the time.)

Some of the stuff I did, I still can't talk about to this day. I never have... & I never will. I more-or-less got caught a couple of times. But my parents were, for the most part, clueless. (Plus, I suspect, they really didn't want to know either.) And as a result of a combination of stubbornness & quick talking, I managed to sidestep the situations.

I had never intended to ever spill the beans regarding my gender identity dysphoria itself. But, just a few years ago now, I outed myself in the process of trying to get rid of myself the second time around. No matter though. As it has turned out nobody wanted to hear it anyway.

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. I know what my situation growing up did to me. So I can appreciate what you went through & how it has affected you. I wish you well...

[Loose Screw x 2]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing this. I was an only child. And I basically had good parents. In fact, had I been the normal child they expected to get, I think I would have had quite good parents. But instead of the normal boy they expected, they got a mixed up, secretive, depressed & anxious tranny (except that way back when I was young the words transgender & transsexual hadn't even been coined yet that I know of. So I really had no idea at the time.)

Some of the stuff I did, I still can't talk about to this day. I never have... & I never will. I more-or-less got caught a couple of times. But my parents were, for the most part, clueless. (Plus, I suspect, they really didn't want to know either.) And as a result of a combination of stubbornness & quick talking, I managed to sidestep the situations.

I had never intended to ever spill the beans regarding my gender identity dysphoria itself. But, just a few years ago now, I outed myself in the process of trying to get rid of myself the second time around. No matter though. As it has turned out nobody wanted to hear it anyway.

I'm sorry you were treated so poorly. I know what my situation growing up did to me. So I can appreciate what you went through & how it has affected you. I wish you well...

Thanks, Skeezyks. I'm sorry that you had to go through those things yourself. While sitting down yesterday and thinking back about different traumas and different behaviors and desires that I experienced I came to the realization that what happened to me at the age of 14 wasn't just some fascination or odd desire but, an actual alternate personality surfacing that was a girl. When it first started I just thought something was wrong with me, prayed about it in tears and for a little while she went away but, eventually came back. Sometime later she vanished again and I told her inwardly last night in the hopes that she is still inside of me and listening that I am sorry that I shut her down and prevented her from being able to express herself. I just wonder how many more there are and what happened to cause them to come to exist.