Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Ty so much for these recommendations! I will definitely take a look at them. And I agree with you. This doesn't mean I am co-dependent... I do always see the best in people, to a fault and where I ignore the worst in them.. or overlook the worst. I did that with my ex fiance. UGH. Ty again for your post!!

Thanks, Divine.

Yes, my therapist is very helpful. I hope I can keep seeing her when I have to change insurance carriers soon.

You make all good points. I definitely want to try and do things differently going forward... though old habits can die hard.

Ok... now the guy I was just recently dating (the one who looks in the mirror at himself), keeps commenting on my Facebook posts (even though we've ended things) then sent a very odd picture text last night about nail polish that has a sexy part of the female anatomy on it (the part between our legs) and he commented on it saying basically how attractive it looks to him.....

WHY??????

I don't want to block him, so that's not going to happen, but I don't understand what he is doing now. We're apart, we cannot be together, he knows why and I know why..... so what is he doing????

Is this a part of him trying to now be friends??? I didn't think we would be friends so soon after breaking up... I need time and space apart...... but why did he send me this odd picture of a woman's nails with a sexy female anatomy part on it????? SO ODD!!!! I told him he is nuts, and he wrote back saying "yes, but in a good way" and I didn't reply. He is not nuts in a good way..... he cheats on women..... he is nuts in a bad way. I just don't get it and I don't get what he's up to now. Is he trying to maintain some sort of connection with me and this is his way of doing it? I am sensing that he is not letting go easily or else he wouldn't be trying to communicate with me. Is he now trying to keep me in his back pocket??? I wonder. I have no idea what is up.

Sounds to me like he's baiting you. He posted something shocking to elicit a response from you. He's playing a game. If you respond, he wins. Controlling. Block.

Hmmm... I really am not sure????? I asked him this morning what that was about, and he said he had just thought of me.... he could be baiting me?

I don't want to block him since I want to remain friendly/as friends.

I know that you don't want to block him, but do you want someone to be playing games with you? He sent that photo to get your attention. instead of sending a sexual photo he could have just posted "thinking of you" like a friend would have.

Good point. It was a weird way to say I am thinking of you for sure. I don't feel like he's playing games... I feel like he must be conflicted... wanting connection with me, but not sure if he can commit. That's the sense I've gotten from him.

And really, I don't mean to come across as Dr. Laura here, but it seems that you put yourself out there to continue to be a target Don't encourage the guy.

No..The man is not conflicted. He would not have said the things that he has said to you in the past if he wasn't. Someone who loves your doesn't say mean things to you. I'm really pulling for you. I want for you to find a great guy, that's all.

You deserve someone who will treat you better than he has.

thanks... but I don't think I was a target for this guy or continue to be. He may or may not be a narcissist -- that is to be determined and I am not sure, though he may show some signs of it.

He was never mean to me..... and thank you!!

TY. He never treated me poorly though.

What is he, 16?

So he saw picture of female privates on a nail polish and not only thought it’s cute to send it to you but also it made him think of you. What??? Sorry, he just lacks class. Not a sophisticated guy, to say the least. I’d feel he doesn’t value me too high if he thinks it’s ok. Yes he could be also baiting you but not in order to discuss Tolstoy novels or Bunnuel’s movies, more like roll in the hay. You don’t send this crap to women you want to be friends with or whom you have respect for.

Personally I won’t associate with men who lack class, I’d block him. It’s also pointless to worry about why he does what he does. You can only control what you do. In this case you can control your communication with the kind of guy.

His text is a poor treatment. Granted it’s after the break up, but still it’s not the kind of treatment you deserve even from a friend. You deserve better. You don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior from men.

He might not be playing games, but he continues behaving the only way he knows how. Wanting connection or thinking of you and not knowing how to do it could result in sending you a picture of a peaceful landscape or sending you cover a book he read made him think of you or song he heard, but not picture of privates. It is pretty much “thinking of you in a particular context” or just simply being rude. I can’t imagine any decent man sending pics of female privates to a woman he says he loves, or even simply respects. It’s concerning that you think it’s ok. Maybe talk to your therapist aboit it?

Yes, I will talk to my therapist about this next week. I am not sure how I feel about it. I think it does say he was thinking of me in a sexual context, but I don't think that's the only context he considers me in. I usually can recognize disrespect.

I think it was disrespectful to send you that picture of nail polish. I don't understand how you can't see that. Hmm, thinking of you and he sends you a picture of that? ewww

I definitely thought it was weird and out of the norm, but I didn't feel disrespected.... I wasn't offended by it. Isn't that what really matters? Whether I took offense or not?

You keep saying/using the word "but." I am trying to find out on Google what that means, and it does mean something. I know that you wrote that you like to see the best in people. Don't let that blind you.

I understand your point.

At the same time when we (as any of us) have trouble meeting right people and have/had issues with recognizing what’s appropriate and seeing red flags, not being offended by unacceptable behavior isn’t a measure of anything. You not being offended doesn’t make his behavior appropriate.

There were other events and experiences with men that you didn’t find unacceptable and continued relationship (and many of us can relate to that, accepting unacceptable, many of us are guilty of it, me included)-like a man stealing from you etc and there is probably more.

Even if unacceptable behaviors don’t offend or scare you, it doesn’t make them more acceptable or less abusive or less borderline criminal.

I think if you are really looking into how not to attract and not be attracted to wrong men, it’s important to not accept unacceptable behavior. Even if you don’t personally find it offensive, if you want to stop attracting such behaviors, the only way is to stop accepting such behaviors.

I do understand wanting to see good in people. But if your goal is to stop attracting these men and find good healthy relationship, you kind of must start seeing things the way they are.

Since you titled this thread “how to change it?”- in my opinion and what I’ve learned from therapy: one and maybe the only thing you need to do is stop accepting unacceptable behaviors from men. No matter if he is cute or you miss him etc set firm boundaries. No need to allow any kind of bad behaviors. As you learn doing it, you’d be more empowered and it will get easier. We are all rooting for you.

I do like to see the best in people. Maybe I do let that blind me....

Hmmm... these are good points, Divine. I will think about what you've said and will bring this to therapy next week! TY.

What Divine said was brilliant and spot on!

I keep referring to my own story because that's all I really know for sure. I can't speak with authority on somebody else's story. I can only say what happened to me that is similar, and what I learned from it, and hope others can learn without too much of the same thing happening to them.

I had a relationship similar to what's described here, years ago. I was young and inexperienced. I thought he loved me. He said he loved me. We lived together for a few short months. Even after he ended the relationship and threw me out of his house, every once in a while he'd want to "spend the evening" with me, to put it politely.

And I would think, oh, he does still love me. He's thinking of me. Maybe there's a chance after all.

He wasn't thinking of me. He was thinking of what he could get from me. He wasn't sure he could get it from other sources, but when he wanted it, he knew he could count on me.

You know what used to happen many times in that relationship? This pattern right here:

Me: *says something, or asks a question*
Him: *no response*
Me: *thinks he didn't hear me; says or asks it again*
Him: Shut the (obscenity) up! I heard you the first time.

And there the conversation ends. He says he heard me, but he still gives me no real response. He's demonstrating to me that I'm so unimportant, what I have to say isn't even worth acknowledging.

This is not treating me with respect.

And if he doesn't respect me, how can he possibly love me?

When he came over wanting to "spend the evening" with me, it wasn't love. It was "I'm going to go get me some...." Well, you know.