Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Thank you for empathizing.... I appreciate your thoughtful and supportive reply.

You're right -- no one can talk me out of this concert, but for certain I will remain strong and I won't sleep with him.

My therapist last night gave me a bit of a wake up call about this. She gave me some food for thought. I am not sure how I feel about what she says, and I am still processing it.

But here, I have been wishing and hoping that he will change -- that he will want to go to therapy to fix his issue. I have secretly been holding onto this hope, and that is partially why I am going to the concert I suppose, because I have a sliver of hope. He says he knows he needs help. He knows he has a problem that needs a professional.

And yes, him showing up last Sat, then telling me he loves me didn't help matters. It keeps me invested.

But my therapist says how will I know he has changed even if he does go to therapy? And how will I be able to trust him fully even if he does go to therapy? She said therapy may not even resolve it.....

I just like him so very much! I know he's not the only man out there, but he's the only man out there right now, and I AM very lonely. I am going through such a rough time in my life, and he brings a ray of sunshine to my otherwise dark and scary existence.

I told my therapist maybe this will be the last time I get together with him, but then again, he has offered to help me move and I really need the help. I may take him up on that in a few weeks time.

But I will stick to my guns about not sleeping with him right now. No matter what happens, I know I can be strong about that. I just need to make it clear beforehand and when we make plans for the concert. He will most likely pick me up and drive us both there.

I don't think there is a moment to walk away or to stay. There are lots of moments that add up to a sum, that you want for the long term or you don't. I am not sure emotions, loneliness, helplessness, enjoyment comes into the equation. It's okay to add up what is going on. I remember you started this thread by asking for help against narcissistic guys who love bomb you. It sounds like you are a lovely special person who reaches out and helps people and who asks for their care - so you deserve a lifetime of someone caring for you. I have started to ask questions from a guy if I am wondering about him - it starts some good conversations.

I'm learning a lot from a relationship expert by the name of Matthew Hussey. He has some good YouTube videos on the subject. I love this quote from him: "The biggest cause of crappy relationships is fear of being single." For me, that was so true. I would put up with anything because if I pissed him off, he might leave me. I had to get brave enough not to be afraid to be alone, and in fact I would prefer that instead of being with a man who treats me badly. When I got to that point, that's when I found my good guy.

Many people have chimed in since this latest reply, but I just wanted to add that what your therapist said is very true. How can therapy fix infedility? I mean people go to rehab for alcohol and drugs, and even sex addiction, but can you actually stop cheating from therapy? That's tough.

Someone else said you had a problem with naricissits in the past, and it seems to be playing out again.

Look, I am not going to sit here and boggle your mind about what you "should" do, or what's right for you, because it seems you already made up your mind. I do know that lonlieness is such a huge cloud that looms over in our darkest of times and drives us to almost act out of desperation from comfort. Try not to let that blind you.

I am so proud of you by saying you are not going to sleep with him, but your emotional attachment is probably what is going to hurt you more and more, as time goes on and you continue to see him. Again, I am not going to tell you what to do, or bash you for giving in even with all the red flags, but just try and keep yourself safe.

Hang in there and just keep us updated, no matter how ugly it gets.

TY!

Yes, this was originally about how to stop the pattern of abuse and getting involved with abusers and narcs.

TY! that's what they say... when you learn how to be happy on your own is when you find someone.

TY!

Yes, you and my therapist may be right -- how does therapy stop someone from cheating? Or can it? I really don't have the answers to that.

And thank you for not judging or criticizing me for my decision. You're right though -- I am more emotionally invested with this guy and the longer that goes on, the more trouble it may bring. UGH. I really need to think about things.....

Of course it can. When the person realizes what the true reasons were and decides to use a different behavior in the future. If I was in your shoes I would like to hear a clear statement about the why then and why not anymore now. If it would convince me, I would give it a try. But only then.

Hmmm..... interesting. Food for thought for sure....

Some women equate “nice honest and faithful” with “boring and unattractive”. And “exciting and good looking” with “unfaithful and dishonest etc”.

This is faulty thinking stemming from how women are often raised believing in “fairy tales Hollywood style”. Not saying you feel this way but it’s a common trend,

There are many good looking not boring at all yet nice honest and faithful and not narcissistic at all. Men in my family are all very good looking, especially my brother and one of my nephews, they look like models. They are upstanding citizens and devoted husbands/ fathers and so on. Nothing narcissistuc about them. And nothing boring. My husband is the nicest guy, nothing boring about him and he looks good.

Nothing wrong with wanting good looking guys (although focusing on looks might not be the best strategy but it’s ok). But they could also be “right” people for you. You aren’t attracted to them though. You are attracted to the “wrong ones” because it’s familiar. That’s all you know. I’ve been there and done that too! My therapist says it’s very normal to feel strong attraction to “wrong people” because it’s familiar.

Trick is to say “no” and keep looking. Until you can say “no” to wrong people regardless how attracted you are, you might not meet right people. And you can’t take “wrong” guys and make them into “right”. Just doesn’t work like this.

I believe you can meet right guys. There is no reason not to. But if you decide to stay with this one, just be very careful and keep talking to your therapist. He/she sounds kind of like mine.

Good luck.

Yes, the subject of this thread is that you think you are a target for narcs and how to avoid them.

What do we know about this new guy? Nothing really, except he is divorced and said he had cheated. So find out more about him on this concert date. Get his whole story. I’m still curious about how all that went down. I’m saying there is a line where you’d say this guy is salvageable or not depending on his role in his marriage’s demise.

Then, you don’t give your body and your heart to a man who is not going to be an asset to you.

That’s how you avoid being a target to an abuser.

Don’t move too far too fast. Give it time to learn what he’s all about. Judge if he is right for you. Then keep him or just be his friend, or dump him.

Remember, you are drawn to them as much as they are drawn to you!

Good point. I’d say it might be tough to find out much about him on the concert dates though. With loud music, dancing and possibly alcohol involved it’s not the best setting for getting to know people on a deeper level. Not a place for conversation

I’d be concerned that he cheated on other relationship not just marriage (regardless of what went down in that marriage) and calls himself a man-w...e. It must be something he really truly knows about himself, otherwise why brag aboit such things?

I’d also not give much weight to love here. This is not enough. Plus not enough of a reason to stay with people. My ex significant other STILL loves me and still isn’t over I left over 3 years ago and am happily married since. If I stayed because he loved me I’d still be there, with a “wrong man” and I still would not find the “right” one. My ex is a high functioning alcoholic. He has a very high profile job so most people have no clue to extend of addiction. Really only I and his grown kids know how bad it was. I sure tried to change him, he tried too although not hard enough I think. But the bottom line he still drinks.

I know it’s a different addiction. But still addiction. Alcohol or sleeping around in Golden’s case. He’d say he’d change and he loves you and you’d stick around. Love just isn’t enough in a long run

But there is nothing wrong with having some casual fun with a guy.

TY Divine..... yes, I will keep talking to my therapist about all this. You make good points about the familiarity..... and my attraction to the wrong men.

I do like good looking men, I cannot help it. I am very attracted to the good looking ones..... I feel like it's really hard to find a good looking PLUS decent man out there who is compatible with me, though a few must exist.

Yes.... .agreed! TY, Tisha.

yeah, a concert isn't the time to find out more.....

I think I am having trouble exiting out because it's been so much fun with him.... but is there/could there be a future? I know that love is not enough..... I am holding onto this notion that he can and will want to change.... and I know that this is probably unrealistic and idealistic thinking on my part. I just like him so very much apart from this aspect...... it's so hard for me to let go -- he cannot let go either. We're both having trouble staying away from each other.

I will go to the concert tonight and will have fun with him... from here, I don't know what to do at all. I know I will want to see him again.... it's practically an impossible situation for me. I am too weak right now to say no.

Uggh! This sounds TOXIC already. No good. You are letting it happen to yourself, and being your own worst enemy. You are too vulnerable a person to enter into this kind of relationship. Are you causing DRAMA for yourself? You are acting like a hopeless romantic.

Not causing drama for myself... I am just seriously conflicted and am having trouble letting go of him. I am definitely a hopeless romantic -- you hit the nail on the head! Always have been....

But that’s the thing. You can be romantic but without toxicity and drama. Drama doesn’t need to come with romance.

You could read this book “women who love too much”. It could be aboit men too. It’s about people who choose these horrible partners in hopes they change, one after another, they become in a way addicted to pain. It’s a very good book. Helps to understand the pattern and stop looking for people who need changing. Like one guy needs to get a job and the other needs to stop cheating etc There are men who are exciting but there is nothing to change. You have analyze your patterns if you want to stop then. Of course it’s hard to leave this guy! It’s not suppose to be easy!!!

I know you haven’t been married but have you had truly long term relationships, living together, like 10 year long etc? If you never had truly long and commited relationship, you could also look into that pattern: are these all kind of people with whom it’s not possible to have long term commitment? Is there always a pattern? Is this will be another not long term and not commited?

Keep digging deep golden. You can do it

Thank you, Divine. No, I have not read that book, but perhaps I will check it out! It may help me. I do need to dig deeper --- the longest relationship I've had was on and off for five years. Other than that, two years. Many short term relationships in between.

Maybe I'm the one scared of a commitment, I don't know. Actually, I don;t think so, I think Ive just chosen the wrong partners for myself.

As for the current guy, I need to figure out what the heck I'm doing!!

I did it myself, and I watched my mother do it before me.

Some women get swept up in romance and forget the substance. My mother was practically melting all over the ground when a man she had started dating called her "Princess." There was nothing to that man. He was a drug addict who couldn't hold a job and eventually beat her. But he called her "Princess," and that's sooooo romantic, isn't it? And I did the same thing. I'd fall for the pretty words, even though there wasn't anything behind them.

A man losing his temper and then apologizing with chocolates and flowers and poetry is not love. It's bribery to reel her back in so he can just keep on treating her like that. Love would be working on himself and learning to control his temper in the first place.

I've done that... with my ex fiance I did just that. Fell for his words of love, all his empty promises and sweeping declarations.... it all was a smoke screen and fluff!!!!

I have just left a 40 year marriage because of the abuse. Why I stayed so long I can't say except for fear. I only had one daughter and it effected her to this day. She is married now with kids. At least you were smart enough to get out of it!! Stay strong!

Good for you for getting out, no matter what.

An update: current man and I are not going to see each other anymore. We went to the concert, had an amazing time (as usual) and came to the same conclusion. So now I'm not going to see him anymore. I am heartbroken.

Hang in there. Good for you not seeing him anymore. Just find a consolation That it was brief and not life altering, no marrying or having kid or moving in etc You couldn’t even get to know each other on a deep level in this brief dating experience. Don’t contact him anymore and maybe you should block him to avoid temptation. Get busy with new job and housing