Need some support and encouragement

Hello,
I joined this forum because I need to talk with other people. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to friends or family as I don't want to disclose personal struggles my husband and I have. I'm hoping for a safe place to get help.

I won't go into any triggering details, of course, but suffered sexual abuse by my uncle at five years old. I had blocked out the memory of it for tens years but through a spiritual experience, remembered enough to help me see why I had issues with sexuality. It's been another fifteen years since then. I have battled autoimmune problems since then and haven't worked on my mental health deeply. I am now in remission and started finally working on my PTSD and other issues.

After doing a few sessions of EFT on my own, my memories of the incident have been unlocked. Naturally my anxiety has gone up and I am suddenly dealing with a lot of emotions. I feel that I was able to release pain and fear connected to the incident but am now left with anger. I know this is all part of the grieving process and this is natural.

I am not close with my family and again feel I can't really talk to anyone without opening up about this very personal thing that is filled with all sorts of emotions; fear, pain, guilt, shame, and anger. I have been married for seven years and have three children, four and under. My relationship with my husband has been okay most of the time but we have had some serious problems.

I tried talking to him about my feeling that were coming up. I told him that I felt angry and didn't know what to do with it. I was just telling him about what I was going through and now saying I was going to actually do anything. But I told him that I feel like talking to authorities is now even an option as I didn't feel it was before because I couldn't remember. Unfortunatley, he didn't respond how I had expected, which I realise expectations can be a problem in itself. He told me that my uncle already paid (He want to prison for abusing another little girl my age around the same time) and that I was bent on ruining his life. I was shocked and I think it's pretty apparent that this was not a validating thing to say to me. I struggle with feelings of guilt and shame from this experience and it really hurt my feelings. I feel like that little frightened girl again who has no one to turn to. My parents were alcoholics and drug addicts, neglectful and abusive verbally and physically to me. I couldn't tell them about what happened to me then and I felt that when my husband totally pulled the rug from under my feet. I am feeling super depressed and disappointed in my husband. I could use some advice on how to handle both my emotions from now remembering things and how to feel toward my husband. I know he has his own abuse problems and sexual addictions so I think he may be sympathising with the perpatrater but I need to just be okay. Things weren't great and I can continue living with that but I need to live with him...

Sorry this is so long! Any help is very appreciated and my heart goes out to anyone who is also dealing with these things!

I think it is normal to feel the way you feel. I would be upset if my husband said that too. I think all of what you feel is normal. Did you tell your husband what he said upset you?

When we grow up in an environment where everyone dismisses us, ignores us, doesn't take us seriously, evades our emotions, this is what feels familiar to us. So as adults we tend to stick around those kinds of people. People who will not listen or understand us. As we enter into therapy, we learn that it is possible to have people around who truly listen. And that's when reactions like those of your husband are no longer conceived as the norm. That norm was a broken norm. I think this is why a lot of people break off their relationships once they do therapy. But I hope that maybe we can also change them. As we change ourselves and we move more from the acting out (cause no one was listening) to vulnerably expressing, the partner may start being more receptive to that. At least that's my hope. You're not alone. A lot of people had abusive upbringing, maybe not always sexual, but emotional for sure. I frequently see my friends to this day humiliating their kids, all in the mask of good intentions. You're not alone.

Continue working on yourself, this is all any of us can do, and by working on ourselves our relationships with the people close to us will change too. You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself.

Hi Dnester,

Thank you for commenting on my post. I told him that I needed him to just listen to me and I wasn't saying I was going to go to the police, just that part of me, the angry part, wanted to. I told him he was trying to fix my problem and wasn't validating my feelings. He said he didn't want to talk to me about it anymore then. I'm okay though. It was too much for him emotionally and he is still learning to just listen and let me figure things out. I could have warned him or asked him if it was a good time to have a serious talk like that. I know that my feelings are normal and he is just another imperfect person, just like me. I have learned from the experience and hope I can be a better listener to other people, including my husband.

Hi countdownyears,

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post. Yeah I have had lots of difficult relationships. I was divinely directed to my husband and this helps me put my trust in God when things are hard. I have something to learn from these experiences, bitter from the sweet. My husband needs lots of help, just like me, and some may take this as codependent, haha, but I know that I can be the support for others I sometimes wish I had. Then hopefully he can learn from my example, because like you said, I can't change him, only he can make that choice. I'm grateful for people, like yourself, who are striving to help others. I hope that one day I can be freed from the pain from my experiences and be there to help others. Thank you!