[366recovery]

This is my first post and I don't really know how to go about this but I'm hoping some of you share similar stories and have advice!

I was in a verbally and emotional abusive relationship for a year before I managed to leave a few months ago. He was a very violent person who had serious anger problems and repeatedly hurt other people. I felt so scared all the time and had nightmares constantly of him hurting people around me.

After police and my parent's involvement, I was able to get him out of my life, but I still find myself in fear. I still have nightmares and panic attacks when I think about him, especially because he has threatened my life three times since we have broken up.

Does anyone have similar experiences and some advice for moving past this fear? I have talked with my eating disorder therapist but every time I try to talk about the things that happened in my relationship I get panicked so I don't know to get help.

Thank you everyone

(((Hugs))) and welcome to PC.

I have been in many abusive relationships that I had to leave. Do you have these threats in writing from your ex by chance? If so, save them and go to the authorities/police with them. You could get a restraining order placed on him because you are living in fear for your own life. I don't know how this works in Canada though, since I am in the U.S. I hope you can obtain a restraining order, first and foremost.

You most likely have some PTSD from the abuse you have endured..... do you have a regular therapist you can talk to besides the eating disorder therapist, or could you obtain one? An eating disorder therapist may/may not be able to effectively address abuse issues and PTSD issues.

I will tell you that if you can place a restraining order on your ex legally, you will feel far safer and better.

I can also tell you that the wounds from emotional & verbal abuse can take a long time to heal. What you need is to be around people who nurture you, support you and love you. Do you have close family members or close friends that can be supportive of you? Or, if not, perhaps you can join a support group for abuse victims? Do you have those where you live?

What you also need is good self-care and self-love through the healing process...... to constantly tell yourself that you are none of the things you have been accused of, that you deserve nothing but love, respect and kindness at all times..... that this was abuse and you didn't deserve any of it. Period..... keep telling yourself these things, and do take good care of yourself by tending to your daily needs...... exercise helps too!

And also establish a NO CONTACT rule with the abusive ex. This is very very important for your recovery and healing.

I feel for you. I really do. I know what it's like, unfortunately. But you CAN heal, it just takes time and patience.

I've been in a relationship with a verbally abusive ex, which there was a real danger it was going to escalate to physical abuse, I agree that restraining order is the way to go

You are not alone

[366recovery]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

(((Hugs))) and welcome to PC.

I have been in many abusive relationships that I had to leave. Do you have these threats in writing from your ex by chance? If so, save them and go to the authorities/police with them. You could get a restraining order placed on him because you are living in fear for your own life. I don't know how this works in Canada though, since I am in the U.S. I hope you can obtain a restraining order, first and foremost.

You most likely have some PTSD from the abuse you have endured..... do you have a regular therapist you can talk to besides the eating disorder therapist, or could you obtain one? An eating disorder therapist may/may not be able to effectively address abuse issues and PTSD issues.

I will tell you that if you can place a restraining order on your ex legally, you will feel far safer and better.

I can also tell you that the wounds from emotional & verbal abuse can take a long time to heal. What you need is to be around people who nurture you, support you and love you. Do you have close family members or close friends that can be supportive of you? Or, if not, perhaps you can join a support group for abuse victims? Do you have those where you live?

What you also need is good self-care and self-love through the healing process...... to constantly tell yourself that you are none of the things you have been accused of, that you deserve nothing but love, respect and kindness at all times..... that this was abuse and you didn't deserve any of it. Period..... keep telling yourself these things, and do take good care of yourself by tending to your daily needs...... exercise helps too!

And also establish a NO CONTACT rule with the abusive ex. This is very very important for your recovery and healing.

I feel for you. I really do. I know what it's like, unfortunately. But you CAN heal, it just takes time and patience.

Thank-you for your response and I'm sorry you have had similar experiences. I have actually thought about getting a restraining order on him, but two of the times he threatened me, it was for his friends to hurt me so I feel like I'll still be afraid. Do you think it's still worth it? I do have screenshots of him saying people know where I live and want to hurt me, as well as him saying he wants to shoot me.

I just want to forget my memories with him. In the day I'm usually okay, but often at night I get panic attacks when I start thinking about memories. My parents are very supportive, but they don't really know how to help me in the situation of a panic attack except for giving me water and telling me it'll be okay which doesn't always work. I have also connected with an ex from 2 years ago who has been extremely nice to me (we broke up on good terms). However, I don't tell him about my ex because he doesn't know about my mental health history and I don't want him to think I'm unstable.

The therapist I talk to said that I could consider a therapist for abuse victims but I don't know if it will be worth it and I don't want my parents to spend extra money for something that may never make me feel safe. I have blocked him on every form of social media and text, as well as his friends and anyone that is connected to him.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am trying to distract myself with other activities and good people so hopefully I'll be able to put this person behind me.

Originally Posted by 366recovery

Thank-you for your response and I'm sorry you have had similar experiences. I have actually thought about getting a restraining order on him, but two of the times he threatened me, it was for his friends to hurt me so I feel like I'll still be afraid. Do you think it's still worth it? I do have screenshots of him saying people know where I live and want to hurt me, as well as him saying he wants to shoot me.

I just want to forget my memories with him. In the day I'm usually okay, but often at night I get panic attacks when I start thinking about memories. My parents are very supportive, but they don't really know how to help me in the situation of a panic attack except for giving me water and telling me it'll be okay which doesn't always work. I have also connected with an ex from 2 years ago who has been extremely nice to me (we broke up on good terms). However, I don't tell him about my ex because he doesn't know about my mental health history and I don't want him to think I'm unstable.

The therapist I talk to said that I could consider a therapist for abuse victims but I don't know if it will be worth it and I don't want my parents to spend extra money for something that may never make me feel safe. I have blocked him on every form of social media and text, as well as his friends and anyone that is connected to him.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am trying to distract myself with other activities and good people so hopefully I'll be able to put this person behind me.

YES... pursue the restraining order, definitely!!!! It will help put your mind more at ease, and it will scare him. There is no need for you to live in fear for your life.... that is a real threat against your life, and it deserves to be legally enforced.

He sounds like a nightmare... good Lord. I am glad you have blocked him everywhere... GOOD!!! That's a great first step towards recovery.

The panic attacks..... the first thing that comes to mind is to immediately do deep breathing exercises when it happens.... taking deep and slow breaths, ten or more, slowly in and out..... that always helps me. You can even lie down while doing this, which is even better... see if that helps?

Yes, I do encourage you to still pursue finding a good therapist/specialist to talk this through with... or, like I suggested, a peer support group?

What I found to be most helpful in therapy was to figure out how I was missing the signs of an abuser when I first met them. Therapy helped me to figure out how to avoid toxic people when dating and meeting new people. It also helped me to grow my self-esteem again, after abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse can really do a number on one's self-esteem and feelings of self-worth.

That's great you have a close ex around.... you may want to confide in him though? I don't know. That's your judgement call. If you're just friends without any intention of it being romantic again, he could be a good confidante for you? I am really glad your parents are supportive too! Good!

Keep posting here, too... vent and talk about it, if you need to. People here can offer a lot of support around this for you, from those who have been through similar situations.

And thanks so much... yes, I've had some horrific experiences myself.... one man I literally had to run away from for my own safety and well-being. It was very scary. But thankfully now I am in a very healthy and loving relationship. It took me a long time to get myself out of the abusive relationship cycle... I was in one for years. But that's neither here nor there. At least I got out of it.

You can't erase the memory, but you can certainly heal, be stronger for it, feel good about yourself again and still live a good life. When love hurts badly, that's the time to leave... be proud of yourself for severing this relationship!

[nicoleflynn]

You might want to consider therapy....it takes time to heal. I was in an abusive marriage for 31 years. Hugs and love to you.