[LadyLovelyLocks]

Hi, I apologize if this is in the wrong place. My husband has for many years been emotionally neglectful and abusive, as well as verbally, and earlier on in our relationship, physically as well.

The reason I feel I dont belong here is, I became abusive to him too. After many years of hurt and confusion I started being verbally abusive and controlling in turn. I just wanted him to stop doing things that tore me apart on the inside, amongst other things.

In the last year or so I also started becoming increasingly physically abusive too. At first, throwing things, or breaking his glasses because i knew it bothered him. It seemed the only way to get him to stop being so hurtful towards me was to shock him, and at first that seemed to work. I am ashamed of doing any of it and know it's wrong no matter the reason, i guess i was just desperate to have peace and not hurt anymore and didnt know what else to do. The last couple times, If he wouldn't let up hurting me emotionally things would escalate until I tried to slap or hit him. i never caused much damage, and honestly never really tried to, i just wanted him to stop being hurtful.

So tonight, he was being terrible to me again emotionally, and I became very aggressive in turn verbally. I was so tired of being walked all over I stared to feel like he should feel at hurt as he was hurting me. it escalated until I threatened to punch him, because he wouldn't stop. But he just didnt care. So i grabbed his glasses off his face and turned to leave and he attacked me.

Possible trigger:

Punched me full force over and over, kicked me while on the ground, threw me around.

I tried fighting back, but he's a lot stronger than I am so there wasn't much i could do.

I know that abuse is abuse and it's never okay no matter what. I know I myself went way too far over and over. I just also dont feel like i ever deserved everything he's done to me. And I understand I've punched him here and there recently, and that's frigging terrible and there's no excuse. But I can't understand beating the crap out of the mother of your children. I can't understand ignoring her pleas year after year to stop. I can't understand never taking ownership of things you've done and leaving someone you've hurt alone with that pain.

Please, please do not be harsh with me at this moment. I know i have wronged. But my family is falling apart, and I can't stop thinking about wanting to die (my mother commit suicide when i was younger as well) and the only reason I'm still here are my children, who I feel like I don't even deserve.

But please someone out there tell me I didn't deserve to be beaten up. Just like no one, even my husband deserves to be abused

[Skeezyks]

Hello LadyLovely: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you experiencing so much turmoil. I know you feel badly about what you did. But, from what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your husband had it coming. Yes I guess it would be great if one could always take the high road, so to speak, & rise above one's abuser. But sometimes I think the reality is one just has to fight back as best one can. The problem with this of course is, as you well know, if you're not really able to match your adversary's power, you can end up just getting hurt even worse.

You didn't mention anything, in your post, with regard to where things go from here with you. It sounds to me as though perhaps you're reaching a point where you may need to be thinking about escaping from this situation. (Of course I realize since you have children that does make it more complicated.) Anyway... assuming that you might be at least starting to consider the possibility of getting out, here's a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website as well as their telephone number:

Home | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

1 (800) 799-7233

Along with this... since you have children one other forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

Another forum that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of domestic abuse:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ca...stic-violence/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/underst...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-mista...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/steps-t...stic-violence/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/A...stic_Violence/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/A...upport_Groups/

My best wishes to you...

P.S. You mentioned having suicidal thoughts & that your mother committed suicide. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to mess around with. (I've been there a couple of times.) So I hope that, in some way, you can reach out in real life for help... both with your marital situation & with regard to your suicidal thoughts. You don't deserve to have to live like this...