[Depressed-Fiance]

Not that it matters anymore, but I guess I'm looking at this for some sort of closure.

Anyway, my ex-fiancé (female) and I'm a guy didn't like it when I cut my hair or styled it differently. She would refuse to be affectionate or intimate with me because she said I look like a 'little boy'.

Obviously this hurt me and I told her this but she never seemed to be bothered that her words upset me.

I just wanted to know if you think that this is controlling behaviour (subtle) or is it just pure Narcissistic?

Thanks for any help.

[Vaporeon]

It sounds like controlling behavior to me. She has a right to prefer a certain style or length, but it's ultimately your body and for her to refuse intimacy or even affection is very controlling. It's a good thing that you're no longer engaged to her. You're better off with someone who appreciates you.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

It sounds like controlling behavior to me. She has a right to prefer a certain style or length, but it's ultimately your body and for her to refuse intimacy or even affection is very controlling. It's a good thing that you're no longer engaged to her. You're better off with someone who appreciates you.

Thank you for your help there.

The silly thing is that I actually used to do as she said and let her decide when my hair was cut and into what style. I now recognise that I was validating her behaviour and that she was controlling.

Being in love, I stupidly didn't see her behaviour as controlling at the time............hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[NP_Complete]

My husband, boyfriend at the time, would "tease" me when I tried to wear makeup. He would say things like you look like you've been playing with crayons or did you get into your mother's makeup again. It stung to hear these things and I eventually quit even attempting to wear makeup because it made me feel stupid. Looking back at this now, I feel like this was done with the intent to make me feel like I wasn't good enough of a woman because I couldn't even properly apply makeup. I can't fathom what other motive he would have for telling me these things.

So, not exactly the same thing, but I think trying to control your appearance in the way she did it is abusive. A non-abusive person, would just tell you that they prefer your hair a different way, and that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say to your partner, I think. They wouldn't belittle you.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

So, not exactly the same thing, but I think trying to control your appearance in the way she did it is abusive.

She also tried to control what I wore by sulking if I had a shirt on for example that she didn't like.

She used to buy me clothes a lot of the time and I think that was her passive aggressive way of trying to control my wardrobe.

[IttyBit]

Never let anyone control you.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by IttyBit

Never let anyone control you.

They simply aren't worth it and it is also against the law.

I ask my husband's opinion, but always make my own decisions. Very short hair, very long hair, every color of the rainbow hair. He has firm no's to altering my appearance such as he hates dermal anchors. Its ultimately my choice, but I respect his strong opposition.

Good partnerships involve consideration, not controlling.

She has a right to express her opinion & you have the right to ignore it.

[Albatross2008]

My first husband got angry at me once when I cut my hair and didn't ask his permission first. He said "opinion," but our dynamics being what they were, he meant "permission."

If I wanted to cut it now, I would merely tell my husband I'm going to. Or, I'd just do it. He knows it's my hair. He wouldn't say a word.

I think the ex-girlfriend's reaction was way over the top. No partner should dictate to the other what style choices they make.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Arbie

I think the ex-girlfriend's reaction was way over the top. No partner should dictate to the other what style choices they make.

I 100% agree with you that no partner should ever dictate how you define grooming habits.

I'm sorry that you went through a similar thing and you are spot on that his 'opinion' was nothing more than a veiled way of making you ask 'permission' to cut/style your hair the way you wanted it to be.

[NP_Complete]

You might find this video helpful.

[HPOne]

I have to ask to get my hair cut. If I just did it then my wife would not be happy and it would just spark another argument.

[Emnico]

I went through something similar with an ex who wanted to control and choose my outfits. He had a big issue with the idea of me cutting my hair because he said I’d look like
A Boy and it took me awhile to realize how he was pressing his own insecurities onto me. I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s an awful feeling.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by Emnico

I went through something similar with an ex who wanted to control and choose my outfits. He had a big issue with the idea of me cutting my hair because he said I’d look like
A Boy and it took me awhile to realize how he was pressing his own insecurities onto me. I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s an awful feeling.

I'm sorry to hear that you also went through something similar. Nobody should be treated like that and told how to dress, wear their hair or what clothes to wear - it's just sad, controlling and humiliating.

Hopefully you have gained the strength to move on from your toxic relationship.

[PumpkinPieHead]

I'm sorry that happened to you, love. I had the same experience. As a female, it was hair,nails,makeup, clothing, footwear. Lord have mercy it was triring. Her'es a hug for you.

[Depressed-Fiance]

Originally Posted by PumpkinPieHead

I'm sorry that happened to you, love. I had the same experience. As a female, it was hair,nails,makeup, clothing, footwear. Lord have mercy it was triring. Her'es a hug for you.

Thank you hun. It makes me feel even more frustrated because I'm a man and felt really small having to ask almost like a child would.

Hugs back to you.

[Confusedxx]

Hi, just my two cents. I have the same sort of experiences with my fiance. It was always about controlling what I do. I remember once he made Tacos, and I wanted to eat the meat and mix it with rice rather than having it in shells.

He likened it to "well would you just make a pizza and eat only the cheese"? He said I could eat it like that, but he would NEVER make them again because I ate it like that.

It's about controlling your partner and making them feel poorly for certain decisions. There is nothing wrong with having a preference. They want to make you feel like there is a problem to control you and make you feel poorly.

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

... she said I look like a 'little boy'.

....

That's exactly what my wife said, that I looked like a little boy who just got forced to have his hair cut. She'd pick out clothing for me. She'd critique what I wore. I feel even more free to ignore her now that we don't live together.

Here's the good part: to some extent, it's a great idea to have a partner who can provide pointers as to improving your look, and can do so in a way that's fun, not critical, and supportive.

Here's the bad part: If she's sulking and giving you the cold shoulder because you didn't do it her way, what else would she have done that with? Moving next door to her parents? Moving to Tierra del Fuego? Robbing a bank? Having 14 kids? Having broccoli for dinner? I don't cutting off communication or closeness in the relationship is healthy at all. It's certainly manipulation and it isn't the act of a loving spouse.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Not that it matters anymore, but I guess I'm looking at this for some sort of closure.

Anyway, my ex-fiancé (female) and I'm a guy didn't like it when I cut my hair or styled it differently. She would refuse to be affectionate or intimate with me because she said I look like a 'little boy'.

Obviously this hurt me and I told her this but she never seemed to be bothered that her words upset me.

I just wanted to know if you think that this is controlling behaviour (subtle) or is it just pure Narcissistic?

Thanks for any help.

Yes this is someone who is controlling you. You have the right to wear your hair the way you are the most comfortable with.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HPOne

I have to ask to get my hair cut. If I just did it then my wife would not be happy and it would just spark another argument.

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. My sister had a similar experience one of her exes told her not to cut her hair because of his cultural and religious beliefs that women didn't cut their hair and cover their faces in a vail. She cut it and he found out real quick how American people live their lives.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HPOne

I have to ask to get my hair cut. If I just did it then my wife would not be happy and it would just spark another argument.

I would have went off by explaining that we may be married but you don't own me.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Vaporeon

It sounds like controlling behavior to me. She has a right to prefer a certain style or length, but it's ultimately your body and for her to refuse intimacy or even affection is very controlling. It's a good thing that you're no longer engaged to her. You're better off with someone who appreciates you.

I completely agree with you that he need to leave her.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

I'm sorry to hear that you also went through something similar. Nobody should be treated like that and told how to dress, wear their hair or what clothes to wear - it's just sad, controlling and humiliating.

Hopefully you have gained the strength to move on from your toxic relationship.

I completely agree with you.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Depressed-Fiance

Thank you for your help there.

The silly thing is that I actually used to do as she said and let her decide when my hair was cut and into what style. I now recognise that I was validating her behaviour and that she was controlling.

Being in love, I stupidly didn't see her behaviour as controlling at the time............hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I am glad that you were able to recognize her controlling behaviour.