[circles5]

Hi.
I dont feel i deserve to post in this subforum for some reason. I dont feel like what i went through is bad enough... or maybe i feel like i desrved what happened to me... anyhow.

Ive been told i have 'emotional deprivation' as a schema issue. So something went horribly wrong in my first two years of life.
I believe this is highly likely due to my father who is a malignant narcissist and my mum who is has undiagnosed issues that seem uncanningly similar to my own.

So my current therapy is aimed at helping me work through the sustained trauma of surviving under the same roof as my parents. In particular were focussing on my; avoidant personality disorder.

But i cant trust the therapist. She seems smart.. and knowledgeable. Shes nice....
But i keep seeing my dad in her. I keep wandering if her 'caring attitutude' is iust a facade and shes actually a psychopath there to toy with me and undo me piece by piece like my father did.
I have major trust issues that are only becoming apparent to me in the last month or so.
I dont even trust my best friend

People get one chance with me. And if they do one thing out of line - even if it turns out i was being delusional and got the wrong end of the stick- it doesnt matter: they are on my blacklist of people to trust and they wont get the real me.. theyll get a version of myself i believe will be acceptable to them instead.
I will lock up my real emotions and feelings and keep them at a distance as i dont want to get hurt anymore.

How do i learn to trust others? I have an extremley strong confirmation bias. If 20 people show me kindness i think theyre trying to exploit me or are taking the piss or pitying me.
Then the one person is unkind to me - well i almost like them as at least i feel like theyre being honest with how they feel about me.

I dont know how to begin trusting. I dont think i ever have trusted people as these problems i have stem from before i even have memories.
Im feeling stuck.

C5

[cluelessgal]

Hey Circles5,

I have trust issues myself....so don't know if my "tips" would be useful, because I understand what having trust issues means......or completely useless, since I have trust issues and they haven't cured me.

First, the biggest person you can trust - is yourself. No disappointment coz you know what to expect from yourself.

All the things you do because you want to - expected.
All the things you do even if you don't want to - expected
All the things you don't do because you don't want to - expected
All the things you don't do even if you want to - expected

Please maintain a journal - about your day, about you, about the people in your life. Writing kinda compartmentalizes the gazillion things you have in your head. You'd be surprising how insightful your journals can be. It'd help you build a better relationship with yourself. You'd be clearer about what you want and what you don't want - and hence can develop such filters with others.


When you have a better relationship with yourself, end of the day, no matter how bad others betray you - you can trust yourself to get up, dust yourself and walk away.

When you know you've got your back.....you've nothing to worry about what others do to you.

Second, give yourself time. Years of damage cannot be undid in few sessions. Slowly, steadily, you'd be able to trust your therapist. But do let your therapist know you're having trust issues with her. She'd understand!

Thirdly, do practice mindful meditation - try think about nothing and focus on your breathing. It helps activate something called 'Mohawk region of self-awareness' in your brain. Again, this will help you better understand your needs and wants.


Hope this was useful!

[circles5]

Very helpful. Thankyou very much clulessgal.
Thats all on point and exactly what i needed to read right now.
Kind regards
c5

[Daisy Dead Petals]

I have many of the same issues. As far as trust in therapy, what has helped me most is talking about my fears and perceptions of what is going on in the room OVER and OVER again. This process takes a ton of time and ample, often repetitious discussion. A very patient and non defensive therapist is required.