[chaotic13]

Recently I've been struggling with wondering if I am really capable of feel normal human feelings. I feel like what I do feel is wrong.

In a conversation in therapy we were talking about my mother and how I responded to her death. I said that I just kind of accepted that she was gone and moved on. After this conversation I've thought a lot about how I responded to my mother's death. I remember forcing myself to cry a little bit periodically throughout her funeral and really feeling guilty at the time because I didn't seem to be responding to her death the same way other family members were. I cared a great deal for my mother and had a good relationship with her but just couldn't seem to show my grief in a genuine way. I felt like a fraud at her funeral. Now, I am feeling really guilty all over again. I was hoping that when I talked about my mom in therapy that I would actually be able to feel the grief and actually cry and relieve my guilt. This didn't happen, I couldn't tap into any real deep emotions and no tears came. All that I experienced was the guilt of not being able to feel sad.

Why don't I feel sadness or grief when I think and talk about my mom's death. Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me? Is this related to my past and present abuse?

I feel really stupid for wanting to cry in the presence of another person. Especially my T who doesn't really give a crap anyway. After all what kind of sick person wants to feel so sad that they want to cry?

[happyflowergirl]

Could it be that you just wish you could "feel" the emotions? Because if you truely feel them, it would seem that you could cry. But I wasn't allowed to cry as a child, I would get into a lot of trouble. So most of my childhood I probably wasn't even allowed to show emotion. Even happiness caused me grief, because I had to be brought down by my mother.

I don't know really, it was just a though. Where you emotions denied when you were a child? I know I surpressed a lot when I was younger, and finally in therapy after almost 3 years, I can cry and not feel as uncomfortable.