[we bruise we bleed]

Hello everyone, im new to this forum and excited to try it out. I dont knwo how this going to woerk because my abuser is a hacker and one of the the things she still does to me is try toi isolate me by blocking my online life. I thoughjt she was my gf at one time and i loved her but shse has a personality disorder and has sadistic tendencies. Ive learned a lot about emotional suffering over the past year and somethign and im niot saying that sarcastically -- every expreinece brings with it learning and I underatnd how humans exprienc pain now so much better thn i did before, which hopelfully makes me a better person.
I've had losts of times where someone i love is huring me on poropoet out of anger. I knw how that feels .. But this is the firs time i have been deliberately harmed by somneone i love and they were noticaebly enjoing it. To me this i makes the curelty tent imes worse. Unlike the angry form of pain infliction, which says " im angry at you and you're going to pay for it", this says, "you're so much of a joke that im going to have some fun huriing you". If the cruelty had been dirven by anger it wouldnt have had any implication for our first month of dating, when i thought we were falling in love together. But the amusement scenario tells me the whole month was a lie. This was no love story, it was a humiliation. We were not together. I was alone falling for a fictional character and she was having some fun with her friends pulling my strings. I used to think of it as one of the happiest times of my life. Now im ashamed.

Th first month she inserted little time bombs into our conversation that meant noting nothing at the time but were much more meaningful to my future self. I still have aha moments when i realize that when she said such and such what she really meant was that she didnt love me an sh was going to hurt me.

AS i go down my healing path i find that this hurting for entertament is one of the hardest thngs i have to deal with. I cant seem to rise above denial -- refuse to believe someone i love so much could have such contempt for me that she got a kick out of doing some really horrible and degrading things to me. I would welcome anyone's thoughts or experiences

It's incomprehensible to me how anyone could enjoy hurting someone else but I have met many people who do. It's also amazing how many people will stand by and watch.

[we bruise we bleed]

Originally Posted by Heartlight

It's incomprehensible to me how anyone could enjoy hurting someone else but I have met many people who do. It's also amazing how many people will stand by and watch.

Hey welcme Heartlight. I really appreciate you stoppng by to leave a tought For a lot of reason ai havenet had much suppoprt with tis and when soemone does this it makes me feel like ive ahd my first food in a month lol.

You are so right and omg that comment aboutg no one caring has a lot of meaing to me. Its wearid in that a major them of myh life has been standign up to injustice. Ife we moved in the same real life social grouos you woudl be tired of listenignto me lecutr aoout how when you see soemntign wrong yo dotn jugt keeo wakling, you taek a stand. I told my abuser te othr day taht if i knew thi was haooenignt to somene -- anone -- they next tien the abuer came with her bully friends they woudl find tow instead of one. ADn hopefully the time after it woudl be five. unti they are facng the whol world of decnet peopl and they hnve no choice but to back down.

Im quietly really hurt that nobody ever stood next to me. Because she is a hacker she was abl to do stuff to me quietly oni line, keeping it from other people. But even so, there must have been hundreds who learned of it including the the chat room admin and the police, and they just keot on walking.

My grandmother lived through the second world war and i told her that if it happened today there would be nobody to hide jews in their attic or make fake papers. That was her generation. And i really believe that we will piss away our birthright --- our freedoms and our protections because we will not lift a finger to safeguard them. People think its just a normal thing to be able to speak your mind wherever and whenever you want. Well no our grandmothers generation sacrificed so much to give us that. We dont have the spirit anymore and i predict our liberty and quality of life will gradually erode, WE are spending our grandparents' savings so to speak, and heading for bankruptcy fast.

Originally Posted by we bruise we bleed

Hello everyone, im new to this forum and excited to try it out. I dont knwo how this going to woerk because my abuser is a hacker and one of the the things she still does to me is try toi isolate me by blocking my online life. I thoughjt she was my gf at one time and i loved her but shse has a personality disorder and has sadistic tendencies. Ive learned a lot about emotional suffering over the past year and somethign and im niot saying that sarcastically -- every expreinece brings with it learning and I underatnd how humans exprienc pain now so much better thn i did before, which hopelfully makes me a better person.
I've had losts of times where someone i love is huring me on poropoet out of anger. I knw how that feels .. But this is the firs time i have been deliberately harmed by somneone i love and they were noticaebly enjoing it. To me this i makes the curelty tent imes worse. Unlike the angry form of pain infliction, which says " im angry at you and you're going to pay for it", this says, "you're so much of a joke that im going to have some fun huriing you". If the cruelty had been dirven by anger it wouldnt have had any implication for our first month of dating, when i thought we were falling in love together. But the amusement scenario tells me the whole month was a lie. This was no love story, it was a humiliation. We were not together. I was alone falling for a fictional character and she was having some fun with her friends pulling my strings. I used to think of it as one of the happiest times of my life. Now im ashamed.

Th first month she inserted little time bombs into our conversation that meant noting nothing at the time but were much more meaningful to my future self. I still have aha moments when i realize that when she said such and such what she really meant was that she didnt love me an sh was going to hurt me.

AS i go down my healing path i find that this hurting for entertament is one of the hardest thngs i have to deal with. I cant seem to rise above denial -- refuse to believe someone i love so much could have such contempt for me that she got a kick out of doing some really horrible and degrading things to me. I would welcome anyone's thoughts or experiences

The truth of the matter here with abusers: they relish in the pain they inflict upon another because they have been SO badly hurt themselves in life, that the only sense of power and control they feel in the world is to make others hurt as much, if not far MORE, than they already do.

Abuse is ALWAYS about power and control over another. And abusive people are NOT happy people. Abusers are deeply and inwardly miserable in their own skin and lives. They ultimately hate themselves, and want everyone else to feel just as miserable as they do.

What you have to try and do is to not take it personally. Abusers would do this to anyone in their path who tries to love them. It's not YOU it's THEM. repeat that to yourself. It's not YOU. It is not contempt she feels for you personally -- it's anyone and everyone.

It can take a long time to heal from abuse. But once you see that abusers really cannot love -- that they don't know how to truly love someone --- that it helps the healing process. You loved her, and unfortunately, she doesn't know how to properly love back. She only knows how to harm people. That's all she knows, because she was somehow severely harmed in her own life, probably early in childhood.

Read as much as you can about abuse, as well. It helps the healing process when you begin to truly understand the mindset of an abuser.

[Skeezyks]

Hello we bruise we bleed: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to PsychCentral. Here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of recovering from abuse that may be of interest:

Victims of Emotional Abuse | The Recovery Expert

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

Writing Prompts for Recovery from an Abusive/Toxic Relationship | The Recovery Expert

How to Recover from an Abusive Relationship

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by we bruise we bleed

Hello everyone, im new to this forum and excited to try it out. I dont knwo how this going to woerk because my abuser is a hacker and one of the the things she still does to me is try toi isolate me by blocking my online life. I thoughjt she was my gf at one time and i loved her but shse has a personality disorder and has sadistic tendencies. Ive learned a lot about emotional suffering over the past year and somethign and im niot saying that sarcastically -- every expreinece brings with it learning and I underatnd how humans exprienc pain now so much better thn i did before, which hopelfully makes me a better person.
I've had losts of times where someone i love is huring me on poropoet out of anger. I knw how that feels .. But this is the firs time i have been deliberately harmed by somneone i love and they were noticaebly enjoing it. To me this i makes the curelty tent imes worse. Unlike the angry form of pain infliction, which says " im angry at you and you're going to pay for it", this says, "you're so much of a joke that im going to have some fun huriing you". If the cruelty had been dirven by anger it wouldnt have had any implication for our first month of dating, when i thought we were falling in love together. But the amusement scenario tells me the whole month was a lie. This was no love story, it was a humiliation. We were not together. I was alone falling for a fictional character and she was having some fun with her friends pulling my strings. I used to think of it as one of the happiest times of my life. Now im ashamed.

Th first month she inserted little time bombs into our conversation that meant noting nothing at the time but were much more meaningful to my future self. I still have aha moments when i realize that when she said such and such what she really meant was that she didnt love me an sh was going to hurt me.

AS i go down my healing path i find that this hurting for entertament is one of the hardest thngs i have to deal with. I cant seem to rise above denial -- refuse to believe someone i love so much could have such contempt for me that she got a kick out of doing some really horrible and degrading things to me. I would welcome anyone's thoughts or experiences

I had some experience in being stalk. Have you inform the police? This isn't so!done who in love with you. She is obessed with you. Do you have evidence? Start gathering them.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Heartlight

It's incomprehensible to me how anyone could enjoy hurting someone else but I have met many people who do. It's also amazing how many people will stand by and watch.

I believe you. I watched my coworkers watch a coworker beat up their significant others. So I call the police.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by we bruise we bleed

Hey welcme Heartlight. I really appreciate you stoppng by to leave a tought For a lot of reason ai havenet had much suppoprt with tis and when soemone does this it makes me feel like ive ahd my first food in a month lol.

You are so right and omg that comment aboutg no one caring has a lot of meaing to me. Its wearid in that a major them of myh life has been standign up to injustice. Ife we moved in the same real life social grouos you woudl be tired of listenignto me lecutr aoout how when you see soemntign wrong yo dotn jugt keeo wakling, you taek a stand. I told my abuser te othr day taht if i knew thi was haooenignt to somene -- anone -- they next tien the abuer came with her bully friends they woudl find tow instead of one. ADn hopefully the time after it woudl be five. unti they are facng the whol world of decnet peopl and they hnve no choice but to back down.

Im quietly really hurt that nobody ever stood next to me. Because she is a hacker she was abl to do stuff to me quietly oni line, keeping it from other people. But even so, there must have been hundreds who learned of it including the the chat room admin and the police, and they just keot on walking.

My grandmother lived through the second world war and i told her that if it happened today there would be nobody to hide jews in their attic or make fake papers. That was her generation. And i really believe that we will piss away our birthright --- our freedoms and our protections because we will not lift a finger to safeguard them. People think its just a normal thing to be able to speak your mind wherever and whenever you want. Well no our grandmothers generation sacrificed so much to give us that. We dont have the spirit anymore and i predict our liberty and quality of life will gradually erode, WE are spending our grandparents' savings so to speak, and heading for bankruptcy fast.

I'm starting to believe that myself!

Originally Posted by golden_eve

The truth of the matter here with abusers: they relish in the pain they inflict upon another because they have been SO badly hurt themselves in life, that the only sense of power and control they feel in the world is to make others hurt as much, if not far MORE, than they already do.

Abuse is ALWAYS about power and control over another. And abusive people are NOT happy people. Abusers are deeply and inwardly miserable in their own skin and lives. They ultimately hate themselves, and want everyone else to feel just as miserable as they do.......

Thanks for your post here Golden. I can't say I feel bad for the abusers. You'd think that if they were so badly abused that they would want to be good to others. Maybe that's why some of them take on professions bearing a title of caregiver/rescuer. A fake career for people out to hurt others.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Heartlight

Thanks for your post here Golden. I can't say I feel bad for the abusers. You'd think that if they were so badly abused that they would want to be good to others. Maybe that's why some of them take on professions bearing a title of caregiver/rescuer. A fake career for people out to hurt others.

We don't need to feel bad for abusers. We can have detached compassion, if we ever reach an enlightened level of being, which would be a truly enlightened level. I personally tend to pity them because their lives are so pathetic and pitiful. Clearly I am not enlightened, lol. Some take on a title of caregiver/rescuer as a facade, I do believe. It is a sick twisted world they live in.