[Succulents333]

Hi, this is my first post. I'm pretty nervous to be writing this cause I've never really spoken about it before.
A few years ago I had a friend who, at the time, I felt wasn’t doing anything wrong or being rude or abusive. Even though I was afraid of him, I felt that I was just being oversensitive and couldn’t take a joke, partly I think because that’s what he always told me. Anyways, after a year or so I moved schools and never really saw him again.
Around the time we were friends I got a lot of social anxiety, lost all of my self confidence and started hating myself. Now I think maybe it’s because of the way he treated me but I didn’t think that at the time.
I think I knew that it wasn’t a normal friendship but if I ever tried telling him he was making me uncomfortable he either told me I was being oversensitive or that I was being disrespectful and hurting his feelings. After I moved to a different school anytime I had any thoughts about it or something reminded me off him, I just blocked it out and told myself that I was overreacting.
Recently I met up with an old friend who started talking about him and all of these feelings and memories came back. This happens more often but I didn’t push them away this time, but now my brain won’t stop thinking about it and I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress to the point where I can’t sleep properly and I feel sick.
I don’t understand why I’m getting so overwhelmed by it now. This happened three years ago and it’s never made me so upset and on edge before. It makes me feel like I’m just making it all up, overreacting and overthinking things. Is this normal?
I feel terrible for even posting my question in this forum because it’s not like he was always rude to me and we had good times too.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Succulents: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry I don't think I know what to tell you about this. I enjoy learning about the results of recent research into the workings of the human brain. And one idea I've picked up is that a lot more of who we are, & what we do, is controlled by non-conscious areas of our brains than we would typically imagine. So perhaps there is just "material", so to speak, stored in non-conscious areas of your brain (related to the experiences you described) that is causing you the difficulty you're now experiencing. Plus... perhaps there are other experiences in your past that what you experieinced in this relationship triggered.

Of course these are just guesses. Ultimately there's no way to know for certain. What is probably of more significance is what do you do about it? One way to approach something such as this is to delve into it with the help of a counselor or mental health therapist. Another might be to employ a practice that is referred to as compassionate abiding. Here's a link to a description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 2 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of healing from abuse plus 9 articles that offer a variety of suggestions for dealing with painful emotions:

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

Victims of Emotional Abuse | The Recovery Expert

How to Sit with Painful Emotions

8 Tips For Dealing With Painful Emotions | Cultivating Contentment & Happiness

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-y...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/a-tech...nful-feelings/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/8-crea...nful-emotions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/every...your-emotions/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/unders...g-to-tell-you/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/using-...o-reclaim-joy/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[12AM]

I don’t think you’re over reacting, over thinking nor making it all up. Your friend sounds emotionally abusive to you proven by he belittled your feeling when you told him that he was making you uncomfortable. Also you had fear when you were around him. And he made you lost your confidence and started hating yourself? Another things that are common to be found in the victims of abuse. One thing I want to add is that it’s a common tactic of abusers to be nice to us once in a while, that’s how they keep their victims around.

Skeezyks posted some useful links that you might want to check out. Don’t feel terrible for posting your problems here, that’s what a support forum is about. Please be kind to yourself and keep us updated if you want

[Lilfae]

I think it's completely normal, and you're not overreacting. Your emotions are evidence that it happened. It sounds like he was gaslighting you - that is, making you believe you're wrong about it all, that your feelings are wrong, that you're making it all up. You can google it and see if it makes sense to you. When each particular episode seems innocent enough, and the person is nice to you otherwise, it's very hard to pick up on such things. So you think that you're oversensitive or overreacting. But I am 100% sure you can trust your feelings. They don't lie to you.

[Succulents333]

Thank you everyone for the advice and kind words! It makes me feel a little less crazy

Originally Posted by 12AM

Please be kind to yourself and keep us updated if you want

I saw my psychologist today, I had sent her an email a few days ago about how I was feeling. She told me my feelings were valid regardless of what happened and that she thought it would be a good idea to talk about what happened. I automatically just kind of shut down and can't say anything when she asks me about it though, so she suggested I email her.
I haven't had that many sessions with her but I already feel safer around her than some therapists I've seen in the past.

[12AM]

Originally Posted by Succulents333

Thank you everyone for the advice and kind words! It makes me feel a little less crazy

I saw my psychologist today, I had sent her an email a few days ago about how I was feeling. She told me my feelings were valid regardless of what happened and that she thought it would be a good idea to talk about what happened. I automatically just kind of shut down and can't say anything when she asks me about it though, so she suggested I email her.
I haven't had that many sessions with her but I already feel safer around her than some therapists I've seen in the past.

Your psychologist sounds good. I often can’t say anything when I meet my doctor too, I write them a letter instead and give it to them when I see them. Wish you the best for your recovery