There is one good advice I received from a professional counselor yesterday, when I told her that I was bothered by how an emotionally-abusive person (whom I sometimes have no choice but to bump into/ relationships can be delicate when you want to keep the family peace) gave me an evil eye the other day.

Me: "She seems angry because I haven't been giving her attention."

Counselor: "Can you try not looking at her?"

Me: "I need to see where she is so I know to avoid her and go the other way. I don't want her sneaking up on me."

Counselor: "I mean look at her from the head down. Avoid looking at her eyes."

I feel like not making an eye contact with an abusive person is a good advice. I saw her the other day targetting someone else. She gives people no personal space, stand really close to them and stare into their eyes...and I thought, "Wow, she used to do that to me!"

I thought about how abusers use body language--especially the eyes--to control, manipulate, isolate, and distract you from analyzing if their words are sincere. When someone is looking at you so intensely, you feel pressured and give in to their demands.

One thing I forgot to ask the counselor is...when I am forced to greet her briefly, where do I look without appearing unnatrual? Her ears? I usually look at people's eyes when I greet them, so I am not sure how to go about this. Info.: She is about the same height, so I don't have the option of just looking straight to avoid looking at her eyes.

[Lefty Seven]

You're fleeing this person, fleeing her gaze and presence.
Is it possible that evasion isn't the best strategy?

Originally Posted by Lefty Seven

You're fleeing this person, fleeing her gaze and presence.
Is it possible that evasion isn't the best strategy?

Do you have a better strategy to suggest? Thank you for your response though. I know it takes a lot of courage to post on here.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ennie

There is one good advice I received from a professional counselor yesterday, when I told her that I was bothered by how an emotionally-abusive person (whom I sometimes have no choice but to bump into/ relationships can be delicate when you want to keep the family peace) gave me an evil eye the other day.

Me: "She seems angry because I haven't been giving her attention."

Counselor: "Can you try not looking at her?"

Me: "I need to see where she is so I know to avoid her and go the other way. I don't want her sneaking up on me."

Counselor: "I mean look at her from the head down. Avoid looking at her eyes."

I feel like not making an eye contact with an abusive person is a good advice. I saw her the other day targetting someone else. She gives people no personal space, stand really close to them and stare into their eyes...and I thought, "Wow, she used to do that to me!"

I thought about how abusers use body language--especially the eyes--to control, manipulate, isolate, and distract you from analyzing if their words are sincere. When someone is looking at you so intensely, you feel pressured and give in to their demands.

One thing I forgot to ask the counselor is...when I am forced to greet her briefly, where do I look without appearing unnatrual? Her ears? I usually look at people's eyes when I greet them, so I am not sure how to go about this. Info.: She is about the same height, so I don't have the option of just looking straight to avoid looking at her eyes.

let me get this right your therapist is telling you to act submissive with an abuser? act like an easy target? rather than setting your boundaries and getting you the services you may need to help you to become a survivor rather than live in victim mode?

here where I am they teach survivors of domestic abuse

not to act submissive, by not making eye contact, looking downwards, acting like you are not looking at them.

in fact self defense, domestic violence classes and schools, police departments you name it here all teach from preschool on up into and during adulthood to...

look people including abusers in the eye
not act submissive, show that you are strong
dont walk or sit with with posture that makes you an easy target like head down, looking from the side or down.
always be aware of your surroundings
dont let devices (cell phones, music players) distract your attention from noticing who is around you and what they are doing.

my suggestion is contact your nearest domestic violence office. they deal with abuse in family, and in relationships and between friends. they are nation wide and have groups and classes most times for free. they teach how not to be a victim and how to survive if you have to live with your abuser.

domestic violence also has a website complete with their nation wide phone number on it. you can google it.

Thank you so much. This is so helpful. The counselor I talked to is not actually specialized in domestic violence, but is a really wise and nice person. But I really appreciate the advice from an expert in the area. I never realized I shouldn't sit or walk with a bad posture. I will be careful from now on and look into these resources.

[Lefty Seven]

Originally Posted by ennie

Do you have a better strategy to suggest? Thank you for your response though. I know it takes a lot of courage to post on here.

Take the offensive.

[MrMoose]

Some abusers are always spoiling for a good fight— being assertive or even aggressive toward them is like waving a red flag in front of a hopped-up bull. That said, looking down is a universal sign of submission. But I do absolutely agree on that intense gaze being highly intimidating—and it’s best not to look directly at it... like the sun... perhaps a half-inch to the left or right or at the bridge of the nose.

[nicoleflynn]

An abuser is an emotional vampire...they need their "fix" and their fix....is you responding. When you hear verbal abuse do NOT respond....(it validates them); walk away, hang up the phone.You can say....if you disrespect/abuse me, we will NOT have a conversation; most always they will want to argue....don't.

Originally Posted by MrMoose

Some abusers are always spoiling for a good fight— being assertive or even aggressive toward them is like waving a red flag in front of a hopped-up bull. That said, looking down is a universal sign of submission. But I do absolutely agree on that intense gaze being highly intimidating—and it’s best not to look directly at it... like the sun... perhaps a half-inch to the left or right or at the bridge of the nose.

Love the analogy. Very witty but also highly-practical!