Past transgression and bullies on my mind.

Thirty odd years ago I failed someone badly and they died.I then went on to university to study and got badly bullied.One of my bullies interrogated me and was asking me questions I couldn't make sense of.I had a lot of guilt over letting that person down.University was many miles away from home town but people from home town that knew me also went to same uni.Bullies must of spoke to them,from the questions bullies asked me I know now they had inquired into my past even visited my home town to find out about me.They found this secret from my past and set themselves up as judge and jury,they decided to destroy me.I had a lot of emotional problems,no support and was subjected to racist and sexist bullying and harassment.I had a severe mental breakdown and from there started thirty years of further abuse from family who trapped me and isolated.

Today I remembered and realised the bullies had gone out of their way to pry into my personal circumstance and destroy me.I saw myself through their eyes of hate.I felt bad and guilty,I had done the terrible deed and someone had lost their life.I felt I had no right to exist,the person I had let down and died had previously confided in me he no longer wanted to live,when that day came when he need me I thought of this and hesitated and did not act,I also panicked and froze and then it was too late.This means I am a wicked person,undeserving,maybe I deserve the hatred,maybe the bullies were right.Or maybe they were jealous of me anyway and racist and looking out for an excuse to destroy me and hurt me and bring me down.

I can see now that my lack of action was forgivable,but that my bullies hated me before they knew of my transgressions and wanted to hurt and destroy me anyway.I forgive myself.I spent all of today asking God to forgive me and I think he has and wants me to forgive myself.I am striving to live a life that pleases God and helps me feel good and to help others.I don't want to be bad and I don't like to hurt other's it cause me pain to do that.

Do you reading this understand that I didn't mean to let that person down that my own human weakness was what led me to make the mistake,that I thought I was giving that person what he really wanted by not acting to save him?I wouldn't ever intentionally harm another human being I was not bad just mistaken ,in a panic and under immense stress and pressure.God help me keep my enemies far from my door in the future and now.Jesus spoke of forgiveness,is what I did something that can be forgiven? Do I in turn need to forgive the bullies that ruined my life?

I'm sorry you had these disturbing experiences. I'm not a religious person so there's really nothing I can offer with regard to the questions you asked at the end of your post. But I thought I would simply leave a short reply letting you know I read your post & I wish you peace...

Yes. You are not at fault. We choose to act or not to act, based on what we know and what we sincerely believe to be true. You cannot be held responsible for not seeing through hidden emotions, or not reading someone's mind. That would be asking you to become a psychic or God.

Furthermore, being under severe stress can impair anyone's judgement. You merely faced a normal human limitation at that point.

I wish you peace also.