Narcissist encounter

Mar 19, 2019, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There has been a lot of focus placed on "narcissists" because of things Trump does and we all know he is constantly talked about and there certainly has been a lot of effort to label him.

That being said, it's important to keep in mind that EVERYONE has some narcissism and that narcissism is on a spectrum so people can exhibit some "traits" or characteristics that are described in the "label" when you read about it but it doesn't qualify that individual as a person with NPD.

It's better to focus on recognizing the red flags someone presents to you that reflect that person will not be a good match for you. From what you have shared, this guy is just not a good fit for you and just write him off and move on. This guy is probably not very skilled when it comes to relationships. Often a person will brag because it's their own way of trying to look important or worthy, it doesn't always mean that person had NPD.
Just saying.

I never diagnosed him as someone with the disorder. But I did find through my own research on narcissism, that his words and actions fit several traits of someone with narcissistic personality. Funny how you and everyone in my thread has ignored that specific post from me, on my first page here, where I directly link narcissistic traits with the actual situation I experienced with him.

Quote:

For context, here is my response on the 1st page of this thread:

1. His lack of responsibility and blaming and deflecting

Narcissists don't want to be responsible for the consequences of their actions if the outcome doesn't go their way.

He wanted me to give him nonstop flirty attention online, responding to his flirty messages knowing that it was not headed towards anything offline that would be romantic. When I told him that his constant messaging me, sent me mixed signals, he tried to deflect by telling me "that doesn't bother my friends" instead of seeing it from my POV, that his flirting with me online after telling me that he doesn't want to date me, is manipulative. If someone tells you they aren't interested in dating you, then they shouldn't send you flirty messages all the time.

2. Lack of Boundaries

Narcissists don't draw clear boundaries with themselves and the people they interact with. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Narcissists don't like to be told no, and they don't like boundaries b/c that requires them to be responsible for their actions.

Like I said, if he didn't want to date me, then why kiss me, why call me a pet name via text message but not answer my phone call or return my phone call? Why send me all of those flirty social media messages that confused me regarding what he wants from me: friendship or just attention?

When I blocked him on social media he texted me asking if he could 'fix it' and when I said no, he called me from an unknown number. We talked and I thought he would be able to empathize with me and see the situation not just from his POV but also from my POV; he either chose not to, or is not capable. He kept blaming and shaming me, instead of just admitting why he was sending me those mixed messages with his social media messages and what he said to me on the phone.

3. Narcissists lack empathy.

When I told him how his mixed messages confused me about my role in his life, instead of taking responsibility for misleading me and empathizing with me because of how some men have mistreated me in the past, he expected me to think and feel about his actions the same way HE feels about his actions: that he did NOTHING WRONG by flirting with me on social media b/c of the one conversation we had to clear up why he kissed me on the cheek and got physically flirty with me in person, if he didn't want to date me or wasn't attracted to me. Then why did he lead me on?

4. Emotional Reasoning

If you try to use logic and reason with a narcissist, it won't work because the narcissist is only aware of his own feelings, not the feelings of others.

Like I said before, trying to explain to him how his actions and words didn't match up and confused and mislead me, was like talking to a brick wall b/c the result of that last conversation on the phone was that he was mad at me for misunderstanding his actions, instead of trying to see HOW his actions could confuse and mislead me. He refused to see the situation from my POV at all. It was all about how I was wrong and he was correct.

5. An inability to communicate/work as part of a team/couple

He supposedly has thousands of friends all over the world, yet here I am, one person, and I'm the ONLY ONE who misjudged him out of all of those people, because I'm the one who is wrong.

That just doesn't make any sense to me, how I can be 100% wrong about the way I interpreted his words to me in person and on the phone vs. his actions on social media.

I included a link to further explain why I created this thread to begin with. I truly believe this guy has some traits of narcissism.

14 Signs Someone Is A Narcissist

Open Eyes, why are you are making excuses for him, when you write, "This guy is probably not very skilled when it comes to relationships. Often a person will brag because it's their own way of trying to look important or worthy, it doesn't always mean that person had NPD." So, you're making excuses for him, and highlighting me as the one who's overreacted here, correct? Well, you couldn't be more wrong. I mean, seriously?

And don't even bring politics into my thread b/c that's not what I posted about.

Open Eyes · Mar 19, 2019, 04:42 PM

I am not making excuses for this person. He has exhibited things to you that you have found to be troublesome. I understand that you are concerned about getting involved with someone toxic that can end up hurting you. It sounds like you have come to see things in this guy that are red flags he is not going to be a good fit for you. I think that's what you need to focus on most. I am not even trying to blame anything on you, not my intention. It's good that you are paying attention to things that are not right for you when it comes to relationships.

Mar 20, 2019, 12:14 PM

At least I cut things off with the narcissist by Stage 3 of these 21 Stages of the Relationship Between a Narcissist and an Empath.

Stage 3: The narcissist will try to break the empath's self-esteem by making them feel weak and unable to do things. The narcissist will never openly attack the empath, but will say things like, "I don't mean to hurt you but..."

This guy said that several times to me when I confronted him about all the social media attention-bombing he was doing to me after we met in person. To defend himself, and deflect attention off of himself and try to blame me, he said, "I don't mean to sound mean Blanche, but none of my other friends have a problem with all the messages I send them..." And things like that.

Mar 20, 2019, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am not making excuses for this person. He has exhibited things to you that you have found to be troublesome. I understand that you are concerned about getting involved with someone toxic that can end up hurting you. It sounds like you have come to see things in this guy that are red flags he is not going to be a good fit for you. I think that's what you need to focus on most. I am not even trying to blame anything on you, not my intention. It's good that you are paying attention to things that are not right for you when it comes to relationships.

Yes you did make an excuse for him. You wrote, "This guy is probably not very skilled when it comes to relationships. Often a person will brag because it's their own way of trying to look important or worthy, it doesn't always mean that person had NPD." That is an EXCUSE that you now have deleted from your original post. And, how do you know that is what he did? You don't know! Yet, you make an excuse for his behavior as though I misinterpreted it. Which I DID NOT!!! Please, don't backtrack and then edit to try to pretend that's not what you did.

Between you, Sarahsweets, and Ohseedee's negating posts in my thread, I don't appreciate the way the three of you invalidated me and then tried to pretend you didn't. Not exactly helpful to say the least.

Open Eyes · Mar 20, 2019, 04:10 PM

Um, I don't know what you are talking about, I did not edit my post after posting it, it would say if I edited it, look it doesn't say it.

Mar 20, 2019, 07:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mopey

Don't understand why he'd be "flirty" with you if he "wasn't attracted to you".

I think I understand. Being "flirty" could have been his manipulation tactic. It could also have been about feeding his own ego, to prove to himself he can charm any woman.

A narcissists is a master of disguise. If he showed his true color in the beginning, no one would want to get close to him. So acting flirty is his mask or cover.

Mar 20, 2019, 07:28 PM

I don't think that you made a rash decision that he is a narcissist. You presented to us series of symptoms that led you up to this conclusion, rather than picking one isolated event and jumping to a conclusion. It's well thought-through, well-articulated, and highly-informative.

Mar 20, 2019, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie

I think I understand. Being "flirty" could have been his manipulation tactic. It could also have been about feeding his own ego, to prove to himself he can charm any woman.

A narcissists is a master of disguise. If he showed his true color in the beginning, no one would want to get close to him. So acting flirty is his mask or cover.

Thank you ennie! That's exactly what I thought: he was manipulating me to see if he "still got it" b/c of his wounded ego, being recently dumped by his ex-g/f and I happened to be his convenient target.

And narcissists always wear the charming, funny guy disguise b/c its one that women respond to the best. The problem is, not ALL men are narcissists but so many are, it's hard to tell right off the bat if it is a mask or if it's real. In his case, it's definitely a mask.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie

I don't think that you made a rash decision that he is a narcissist. You presented to us series of symptoms that led you up to this conclusion, rather than picking one isolated event and jumping to a conclusion. It's well thought-through, well-articulated, and highly-informative.

Thank you again ennie, for validating me. That's all I wanted -- to discuss my findings based on how I applied them to my real life situation -- with others who have experience with narcissist personalities.

TishaBuv · Mar 20, 2019, 08:20 PM

The things you describe about his behavior are definitely fishy.

His comment about social media is strange to me. He’s 60. IME a man of that age wouldn’t be so prolific with the social media, wouldn’t have made a point to mention that the ex blocked him. This is ‘off’ to me.

You did the right thing, listening to your gut. Good for you.

Mar 20, 2019, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

But when I said the label was used too much or however I said it, I meant by people that are not a part of mental health treatment or the mental health field.

And people that are "not part of mental health treatment or mental health field" may not be in a position to question the validity of someone else's story.

Mar 21, 2019, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie

And people that are "not part of mental health treatment or mental health field" may not be in a position to question the validity of someone else's story.

Thank you ennie for your support.

sarahsweets · Mar 21, 2019, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie

And people that are "not part of mental health treatment or mental health field" may not be in a position to question the validity of someone else's story.

I wish I was able to take back what I said and apologize to Blanche but she has me on ignore. I should have done a better job validating what she experienced. I feel bad about it now.

Mar 22, 2019, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I wish I was able to take back what I said and apologize to Blanche but she has me on ignore. I should have done a better job validating what she experienced. I feel bad about it now.

I took you and Ohseedee off of ignore. Apology accepted.

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