I’m so triggered. Abusers :(

Abusers are all about control. And lies.

They study and assess someone who they think is vulnerable.

Or a vulnerable group of people, children, or people with severe mental health issues for example.

They pretend to care, they claim to offer hope.

Their real agenda is a bit different. They feed emotionally on hurting other people. In some cases this rises to physical and sexual abuse.

In many cases it is “just” emotional and psychological abuse.

They want their victim(s) to feel weak and defective.

They feel better about themselves when they control others, when they exclude people and hurt them by rejection, name calling, even gaslighting.

I’m too “weak” for this world apparently ....

(Not about anyone on pc)

From another post...

“Narcissists wear masks and are well aware of the masks they wear”

Exactly

I'm right there with you, Fuzzybear. Narcissists are emotional vampires that wear deceptive masks that make them seem totally normal, which they definitely are NOT.

All we can do, is find ways to protect ourselves and hope we can fend off the toxic abusers. I'm reading a book called "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend right now.

Here's one of the co-authors in a video talking about how to set boundaries. Hope that it helps.

I agree, Fuzzybear. Pretending to care is how they hook you.

But now that we know how they operate, and are educating ourselves upon it; we are better informed and can even help others avoid them.

That's one of the first red flags that I listen to, when someone I just meet, pretends to be really interested in my life and care. That's just not normal, to be that emotionally connected to you, if they're a total stranger. But that's what Narcs do. They act interested, invested. But it's all a lie.

I've had an non-abusive person care very quickly because of her co-dependency, but she has only used the information to help me; never to hurt me.

My narc abuser would randomly bring up things about my past, when she knows that things are going well in my life.

That is a good point, ennie. As a Codependent myself, I'm very empathetic and sensitive when others tell me their problems; even when I barely know the person. I need to stop being so open with my boundaries like that because it never benefits me. Never. For some reason, it's programmed in me to "serve" others with my emotional self, as a Codependent. It doesn't earn me friendships or respect from people, being emotionally available. Either I'm connecting with all toxic people, or, my lack of emotional boundaries are so obvious to other people, they shun me socially without directly having to say, "you're too needy, so I don't want to socialize with you."

Narcs are notorious list makers. Every guy I ever dated who was a Narc, keep a list/kept track of all of our disagreements, or things he didn't like about me, and would use that list every time we had a fight. It's a pattern I can see very clearly now, as I look back on all of my romantic connections with guys. They all follow that pattern.

And, I know all about Melody Beatie's books on Codependency. But I think because I'm 48, I just think I can't break my pattern of neediness -- that is, needing to be needed by other people, to feel accepted. I shouldn't have to offer people something -- whatever that may be -- to get them to like me. I know this. But, I still do it; "Hey I can do [this and that] for you," thinking that will mean the person will reciprocate or will want to be my friend. But nope. Never works out that way. I can see that as a dysfunctional pattern with my social life. But, so far, I can't change it. I want to, but it won't change.

As an INFJ (i.e. a hopeless "rescuer") I can relate to this.

But the more I start to love myself, more I feel "protective" of myself. The more I feel, "Hey, I don't deserve this kind of treatment!" the easier it gets to set boundaries. Of course, the improvement is a gradual one, with one turtle-step at a time. Nothing overnight.