[BaltimoreBarb]

My response may be triggering/upsetting to the original poster and others, and I apologize for that.

The story about "Santa" coming and what he did & said was hard for me to read, and I feel strong support for the person who had the courage to share it.

Though I have only vague memories of my own sexual abuse, I think that some things very similar must have happened to me. I am terribly ashamed to say that reading the post brought up sexual feelings for me. I didn't want it to, I didn't like it or "get off" on it, but involuntarily I felt my body respond by getting somewhat turned on as I read. It feels so sick. I HATE that fear & sexuality have gotten all entwined in me; I HATE it that in my sexual fantasies domination & exploitation ( with me as a chlld or in some other helpless, dependent situation) are the only thing that brings me to orgasm. It's like those old feelings of fear & helplessness (which were NOT at all sexually arousing at the time) have gotten connected to adult feelings of sexual pleasure. Yuck. Does anyone else who's been abused have this issue? I feel so ashamed about it. I'd like to have healthy fantasies, a healthy sex life, in which my fantasies are based in love & trust & happy excitation, instead of fear.

Therapists have told me not to worry, that it doesn't mean I want (or ever wanted) that kind of abuse -- but that my childhood experiences "wired" me that way sexually and this kind of deep wiring is hard to change. I have never been successful in changing it. I hope no one is disgusted by what I'm saying. I feel disgusted myself. Has anyone else here experienced this kind of problem; has anyone been able to change it or found any acceptance of it? Please respond if so...

[Cyran0]

BBarb, thanks for your honest disclosure. It was a very hard thing to share, I'm sure.

Nope, you're not alone. I think it's not uncommon for sexual abuse victims to have some odd sexual reactions as adults or be drawn to the dominance/submission aspects of BDSM. Though I have to say, I hear these reactions more from men than women (I have no idea why that is and it's certainly not true accross the board).

The important part is how you react. Accidental arousal during a disturbing story happens, nothing to be ashamed of. Acting on that arousal in an inappropriate way (or even idealizing the story for sexual gratification) is not.

How we react sexually is not a purely conscious event so I think your T is right, it's hard to change those spontaneous reactions. The important part is that you find a safe, healthy way to find sexual satisfaction that neither harms anyone or makes you feel bad about yourself.

Cyran0

[BaltimoreBarb]

Thanks you, CyranO, for your response. If anyone else has offerings about my post, I'd really like to hear them, especially if anyone else has the same problem as me -- and even more especially if they've gotten through it. Thanks,

Barb

[kimmydawn]

I just wanted to step in to say that I welcome you, Barb.

I wanted to make sure that your question and thoughts had a good viewing as their own so I started a new thread for you.

Again, welcome

KD

[50guy]

The short answer to your question is Yes.

It is disturbing and makes me feel perverted. I didn't ask to be tied up and held down and sexually abused. Sometimes I read it and get angry, moreoften I get aroused.