[Gymgirl71]

I am repeating patterns in my relationships and it’s bothering me a lot. I ignored all the red flags and my most current breakup the guy is psychologically abusive and an alcoholic in denial. He has a lot of mental issues as well. My farther was an alcoholic so it’s bothersome why I stayed so long even though I witnessed red flag after red flag, including a dark past and him admitting he had depression and he went to a dark place. Also seems narcissistic because he blaming his issues on me..I know it’s good it ended after only 4 months than a year from now. I just want to stop attracting these types of partners who use and abuse.

[divine1966]

Tell your new therapist that you want to work on this issue.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

I ignored all the red flags and my most current breakup the guy is psychologically abusive and an alcoholic in denial.

Take it slow with the next person. Don't get too close or share much information until you see that he is safe, healthy, and trustworthy.

If some flags are grey (i.e. something doesn't feel right but you are not sure), share them with your therapist before you commit to a next date. You can also ask our opinions here on PC

[bunnyhabit]

your subconscious desire to be with bad boys is overwhelming your logical mind. Professional help may help you out of this pattern. Hasn't worked well for me as yet

[Abusedbysister]

I think many of us have the problem of attracting the wrong partner, those who treat us like our abuser. Work with your therapist to identify the signs. I still attract abusers but I end it before things get out of hand and I totally lose control of my life!

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Abusedbysister

I think many of us have the problem of attracting the wrong partner, those who treat us like our abuser. Work with your therapist to identify the signs. I still attract abusers but I end it before things get out of hand and I totally lose control of my life!

Yes what I did was not move on when I saw first red flag, so it only got worse. I kept taking the disrespect so he thought I was his emotional punching bag..they really put on a good act in the beginning..I thought I hit the jackpot 🎰

[Gymgirl71]

Go back to my therapist next week, so that’s what we’re going to work on. I need to read the book she assigned me to read..

[Flyjobe]

Drunks have often been nurtured by an over-forgiving, over-indulgent mother/ abusive and negligent father combination. You probably appear an attractive safety net who can have all the stress of day-to-day life while he focuses on getting plastered.
Set boundaries early on in any relationship(romantic or otherwise) that say you're not there to constantly pick up the pieces. You want to be put first, and you should be, but be prepared always, situations can arise every day where a piece of your self-respect is called upon to be sacrificed. That's how it starts, until it's all given and gone; be ready to draw the line and show that you won't tolerate crap. You've got what they want, not the other way around.

Gymgirl you'll continue to obsess about your ex and even text with him until you consciously accept that you accept bad boy behavior as your 'norm' b/c you have some psychological patterns you developed as a child that you use as an adult, that are dysfunctional coping skills.

Your therapist, along with you doing the psychological work, will help you reverse these dating patterns but it won't happen overnight. Could take months, even years. Any little activity you do for your ex, keeps you stuck. You have to stop contacting him. You have to stop thinking and obsessing about him. Letting him take up space in your mind keeps you trapped.

[Open Eyes]

When you grow up with an alcoholic parent you learn to live according to THEIR patterns. You don't even realize that's not normal. You are imprinted subconsciously to believe it's ok to be around someone that can be abusive and abuses alcohol. You may end up in relationships with these kind of individuals because it's familar and familiar often feels safe when in reality it's not.