As a recovering alcoholic bully, I wish I could take all of your pain away

So much was going on today (working since 2 AM on two jobs and family stuff) that I am too wound up to sleep.

I didn't know what job I wanted to do so I joined the Air Force ROTC program during my last two years in college. My degree was in Elementary Education but I became a personnel officer (a bit like human resources) and at my first base, one of my extra duties was being the Youth Relations Officer so schools in the community could schedule base tours through me. I lived in the same town I had attended college. One of my ROTC friends also got stationed there and we supported each other (I remember jogging with him next to the Flightline at lunch and watching planes take off.) Our ROTC commander became the base commander. One of my college gfs liked going to the Officer's Club with me on Friday nights.

When I was dating my husband, he got an assignment overseas and we married so I could go. His assignment was to Okinawa, Japan. It was a 3 year assignment but because we really loved it (we liked sailing, camping and scuba diving there plus we always lived off base; sometimes we took free hops to other countries), we stayed nearly five years.

My last two years at that base, I served as the Executive Officer for the Logistics Group commander--I got to work with the people who maintained the aircraft (I just did paperwork ). My POV is that, this is the hardest working career field in the Air Force. People worked to keep the planes safe 24/7. Some squadrons deployed a lot, others worked night shifts. When I worked at the Base Personnel Office, many of us worked on college degrees. Though we did work some overtime, our regular schedule was 7 AM to 4 PM so you could take an evening or weekend class and it was supported. Keeping planes in the air seemed more pressing than dotting the i's and crossing the t's. I would just go find people, take notes and do the paperwork for many overworked people. I tried to make it as easy as possible for them. Though sometimes I also had to pull people up to the office or suspense them for various tasks. I found what was going on in their jobs interesting.

When this assignment ended, both my husband and I were effected by force reductions so we didn't make it to retirement. When I got to my next assignment in Hawaii, I was informed that my time with the Air Force would end at the end of the year. I was pregnant and had purposely taken a job with less responsibility thinking I would get a job at the Headquarters for the Pacific Command after the baby was older. Perhaps my decision or pregnancy effected what happened? Or maybe just not the smartest kid on the block? We didn't even unpack our stuff mostly staying in a hotel on Waikiki Beach until my time in the service ran out. That happened 26 years ago!

And I remember that instead of watching NFL football (the Superbowl came on at about 4 AM on a Monday morning), we watched Sumo Wrestling at the bar. On Fridays, we would walk home (didn't want to drink and drive), stopping to get sushi then many times buying a beer from the vending machine a few steps from our rental house. The drinks seemed cool (the nonalcoholic) with things like melon fizz and iced coffee. We had a view of the Love Hotel Valley. Didn't go but it was obvious the rooms and hotels had various themes/crazy motifs. (Would be hesitant to sleep there.) Most had a garage next to the room so the car inside couldn't be seen.

Not sounding like a survivor of abuse in these posts but perhaps an occassional binge drinker? I stopped drinking after my attempt. It can feed your depression. Or perhaps it's the other way around?

My brain is not awake yet; I am reading your post and it's fascinating!! I'll be back later and respond once I am not as foggybrained, LOL

My mother did a lot of things that were verbally and emotionally abusive. I always said I would never do any of that. I did find myself doing one thing she did and basically I traumatized myself from my inability to stop being like her. Having watched her do it ingrained something so deep in me that I involuntarily did it, too! I knew I was acting wrong, didn’t want to, but couldn’t stop.

Eventually, I got over the struggle, giving in and giving up, realizing nothing I do or say makes a difference anyway. So, I accepted the way things are and am not carrying on like my mother anymore. Plus, I started taking an anxiety med that is working wonders!

HappyCrafter— All the information about bullies say they were themselves bullied. It seems bullying others is a reaction to being bullied. The way you acted was human nature. The fact that you got help and improved yourself is very admirable. You give hope that we can all improve. I improved, too, because I wanted to.

I had unhelpful experiences with therapists. I vented away on here, read every psych article I could, and just worked and am still working on myself. Plus, the pill is magic!

And when you witness something as a young child, it gets ingrained. I agree with what you are saying, bullies are raised.

I am glad you got yourself through and past the obstacle. And beneficial meds on top of that? Excellent!

Isn't it wonderful to google the topics we can learn how to better manage? I love research and it just thrills me to know I can find what I need.

@TunedOut

What an interesting life you have! Free hops to other countries? Like which countries?

I have a dear friend who lives in Germany. She and her hubs travel around Europe and even went on a cruise where they passed the North Pole marker. She posts pictures of their trips and I just sit and drool!

The Phillipines (before we pulled our bases out of there in the 90s), Korea, Singapore and Thailand (Though we had not bases in Singapore and Thailand at the time, the Air Force flew there in support of our embassies). Went to Mainland Japan on a short temporary assignment.

@TunedOut

Are those countries as exotic as they sound? They must be fascinating to visit and learn about the culture!

I did not think of them as exotic. I think of it as Korea and Japan, while quite different, have a definite Asian culture vibe. While I have never been to China, I find the history of China to be fascinating. The culture, philosophy and innovative thinking is as sophisticated as Western culture (I would not want to judge which is more sophisticated only trying to say that Asian culture has a different vibe and I do not understand it all but a lot is going on there. There is much to learn from it.) In Okinawa, they traded with China and their cultural ties went back farther with China than with Japan even though Okinawa is now Japan (a prefecture of--sort of like a state).

Thailand had a bit of Asian vibe but also had a vibe that wasn't like Japan and Korea. It had a bit more of an anything goes feel to it. Did not spend enough time there and have not done enough reading to quite describe it. The people were very friendly and easygoing. The one thing I disliked about it was that I saw instances of VERY young women (I am talking about women who looked younger than 16) participating in prostitution. I did not see it much, but when I did, it turned my stomache.

Singapore had a bit of an Asian vibe but also seemed extremely orderly. I traveled to Germany in the 80s and Singapore's streets where even cleaner than Germany's. We were warned that the country had extreme consequences for littering and graffetti. Obey every rule as if your life depended on it.

The Phillipines reminded me a bit of Mexico. Very poor, lots of government corruption. Friendly people and great food. Most of the citizens are Catholic. In Japan, Korea, China, Thailand, and Singapore, other religious practices and philosophies are part of their cultures.

Been following this for several days and am gonna interject my two cents here for what it's worth ...

As a survivor of horrendous bullying and abuse (and as someone who DID NOT become a bully or abuser) - yet while also understanding cause and effect (ie. how those being bullied and abused can - and often do - grow up to also be bullies and abusers) ...

As long as y'all know that no amount of realization, reflection and/or regret ... Nor heartfelt apologies and sorrow ... WILL EVER UNDO THE DAMAGE DONE to those who survived and/or were wrecked by your bullying and abuse, then I'm okay with you expressing your remorse here.

However, accepting said apologies from any bully or abuser is a whole other matter!

Some things are simply unforgivable - especially when it results in permanent harm to those on the receiving end of such behavior!

Perhaps, this is why those types of behaviors are best left explored in private therapy, (& AA, and whatnot) instead of publicly, because it just appears gratuitous and self-serving when done out in the open like this.

Sincerely,
Pfrog

*Re-Posted With Edits By Pfrog!

@Pfrog
I hear you and I thank you for giving me much to think about.

@TunedOut

I agree; different cultures are that, different. Not better or worse, they vary. It fascinates me to see different cultures and the characteristics that reflect their philosophies.

Yes, prostitution breaks my heart. Anyone forced to resort to that lifestyle must be a living nightmare.

Well, today, I am googling and exploring the cultures of the Far East!!! Thank you!!!!!

@Pfrog, don't you agree from your experience that bad abusers very seldom become repentant later in life, try to make amends, try to apologize? That many people with abusive behaviour, bullies, manipulators, narcissists etc. maintain into their old age that all they did was right? And that that can be extra painful for the victim?

Just a question, because that's my experience.

Absolutely, Poiuytl ... Absolutely!

I also think it's possible that some bullies and abusers do come to realize the things they've done are wrong and are actually truly sorry for the harm it's caused.

It doesn't undo the past, but it is nice to know they are at least trying to be a better human being in the here and now.

I think this may be where that thing about grace comes in, but I struggle with believing in all that because my abusers completely wiped all that out for me.

Have you thought about looking for her and apologized to her?

@HappyCrafter, you are a miracle story and a most incredible person. Thank you for sharing this. I am so proud of you for overcoming your old bullying ways and for wanting to help others now. Very commendable! I wish more people could be like you.

@Buffy01

Yes, I have. She is not the only person I owe apologies to. I am working towards doing exactly that.

Happy Crafter, it takes a lot to share what you just did. You are a strong woman.

@golden_eve

Thank you, honey!!! Thank you a thousand times!! My life is so much better now than how it was when I was a bully and drinking heavily. I am happy to share my story if it helps people.

@Misery Business

Thank you, babes!! It took a lot of work to get me there; I am grateful for every bit of it!

I'm glad that you are trying to make amends. I only had one bully who ever apologize to me after high school!

After many years of dealing with childhood and adult trauma, I have developed a few theories. I think if as a child, the abuse is constant or on an "as needed" basis one sort of mentally removes themselves from it. Also I think we begin to act on autopilot, and perhaps model the actions of the abuser. Definitely our defenses are up and we react the only way we know how to adult issues. I think it's a matter of maturity, age and experience, when we begin to observe our own actions and determine if help is needed. Of course help won't work unless you are open to it. Some folks seek help but don't let it in.

I know myself...I have come to understand somewhat why I did certain things. I think as an abused child we don't stop to think about our actions, I know I didn't. Now that I have some understanding of my actions I can forgive myself for most of them. It's easy to hang onto the guilt (as we were programmed to do as children ) but understanding where the behavior came from can ease your conscience. I know I'm not the same person I was at 20 or 30. The other "me" did those things.

Some people come to understand themselves earlier than others. I guess I'm a slow learner. I wasn't a horrible person, let's just say I was quirky.

IMO therapy can only work if you want it to and no one can help you unless you accept their help. Therapy is a tool, you have to do the work.

Remember YOU are a survivor!

P.S. Happy Crafter, congratulations for overcome your addictions. That is quite an accomplishment! (hug)

@happy crafter: do you think active alcoholics are inherently bullies? I was thinking about this at my Tuesday night meeting last week. I never thought I was a bully but at the same time arguing and slurring and being a demanding mess could seem like bullying to my loved ones. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

@IrisBloom
@sarahsweets

I have read both of your messages and will respond to them tomorrow when my brain is fresh!! It's tired at the moment. xoxoxoxox

@IrisBloom

I hear you. In my case, I blocked out almost my entire childhood. I barely remember any of it. I sat down a while back and wrote out what I could remember. I remember less than 3 pages of standard paper size and Ariel size 11 font. And most of what I can remember is abuse.

I started searching for answers because my life was so different from others. I really don't know if it would have been best for me to learn the truth about my background when I was younger. I don't know if I could have managed the size of it.

So, on being slow learners, LOL I am 62. We are in good company, you and I!!

@sarahsweets

Alcoholism and bullying are both symptoms of anger and insecurities that are untreated. For me, being overwhelmed with money problems and not knowing how to problem solve, I resorted to the easiest escape. So, my problems just got worse and I kept drinking to not face the messes I had created myself.

I can remember several times I abused people when I was sober and when I was drunk. It took me a ton of work to understand why I behaved how I did and to accept it. But that hard work benefited me because I can see the behavior for what it is. I can see how the bad habits get locked in place and how to stop. I had to heal the parts of me that hurt because that was the foundation of why I bullied and took my anger out at others.