As a recovering alcoholic bully, I wish I could take all of your pain away

Dear Happy Crafter and Skeezyks,

I had tears in my eyes when I read your poignant notes on this thread. I am deeply struck by your candor, courage, and resilience.

Like you Skeeyzks, I too am an atheist. And I just want to share my own personal world view. I believe that every human has value. It is of no more or less value compared to any other human. We all came from stardust.
This does not change with external behavior. Whether egregious or otherwise. I can find it within my atheist spirit (I believe there is such a thing, unrelated to religion or a god) to find compassion for any person.

I do not share about my work on PC for several reasons. But I want to say that I have met and cared for humans whose histories would likely make a lot of people feel fearful or enraged or disturbed. I looked for light in each of them. Most of the time, I found some light. When I could not find any light, I still wished them peace.

My father's behavior was appalling. He enjoyed tormenting myself and my siblings. He smiled each time he felt a victory by frightening us or making us feel like nothing. He lived out his days in deep bitterness and rage. I separated myself from him for many years before he died. But when he was dying, I consulted with a pharmacist and MD to give him an anxiety med because I knew he'd be terrified in the hospital. And I knew he would never ask for it himself. Nobody should have to die in fear or unmanaged pain, not even a man who abused his wife and children for most of his life. I flew a long way and sat next to him while his life ended. I carried him in his coffin on his final journey to the grave. I did not love him. I did not even like him on a basic level. But I was able to wish him a peaceful death. Not as a loving daughter, but simply as a human. My life has no more or less value than the life of my father.

For me, it truly does not matter what either one of you has done in your past. I still firmly believe that you deserve peace in your present and future. You are sincerely two of the brightest lights I have encountered on PC. Both of you have made me smile and brought me solace including on some of my darkest days. Your pasts simply cannot erase that.

I have no idea why I exist. But I feel quite sure that it is not my purpose on Earth to decide who is worthy of peace and who is not. Therefore, my default is that everyone deserves peace. Including people who have done some terrible things in their lives.

"There are no good people and bad people. There are only joyful people and miserable people. Each of us is perpetually oscillating between darkness and light."
- Sadhguru

(Ps. I only combined this message for both of you because I am sad and tired this eve but wanted to reach out....I still respect you as individuals)

SilverTrees, for being tired, these are some really good quotes.

Yes, Happy Crafter and Skeezyks bring so much good to PC. I remember that Skeezyks was the first one to send me a welcome message when I joined in 2016. I remember when HappyCrafter asked me to be a friend under a different username.

There are many good people here at PC. Many of us are trying to overcome trauma, gain understanding, connect to others, vent frustrations and so much more.

I understand what it is to be ashamed. I didn't protect my children adequately at times. I bumbled so much and am still bumbling things. I am still trying to help them recover but it is much harder when you miss opportunities. I can forgive myself if I make amends. I feel good about myself when I do the right thing but it is so important to reach out for help from others when you are overwhelmed. So many of us lead isolated lives and the little spark we can sometimes give each other can make us see more clearly a better path.

Peace to all.

@TunedOut,

I can relate to the bumbling and I still bumble too! Are you children learning about recovery and how it can help them better themselves? xoxoxoxox

@TunedOut

You are welcome! I hear you about your children. Good for you on learning better ways to manage yourself and taking better care of your babies!!

Hey Happy Crafter,
I have to admit that in some (many?) ways I wish I lived in the USA rather than on the other side of the pond...
I have tried many times to find effective help or support for my CPTSD, GAD, major depression, social anxiety ... etc .... but in this particular forest .... I have not found what was or is offered of any help, in fact it has had a negative effect. I’m not putting the blame on me or on “them” .. it is what it is and I have to “deal” with it. I guess tbh the main reason now I don’t insist they help me is because I fear
traumatising my papa bear (my husband) as my CPTSD has already been made worse by the type of help offered ... and their labels. Sorry if this is negative or “whiny” - your post about being an American got me thinking.

I’m trying to heal by other methods, “self help” .. and “self care” which I am not good at

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts, thanks so much for sharing

I don't share about some aspects of my past because of this section of the community guidelines


It's that others that have abused another individual part.

I see most of the posts on PC are about being a victim of abuse but I think it is also common for victims to become abusers at times themselves. And not taking responsibility for one's actions limits the kind of recovery an individual can have because the character defects that drove them to behave that way are not ever addressed.

Instead people remain stuck in perpetual victimhood, when in fact they can also be perpetrators of abuse.

I wouldn't post here about my own experience because I am afraid of getting kicked off pc or being judged, but I admire the courage it takes to admit to being a bully.

Thanks for the encouragement. I do not want to reveal too much but don't want the abuse to be mischaracterized. The abuse was that their father operated in an authoritarian way when they got older (5th/6th grade on) while I catered to their every need (I was spoiled by my father who gave me unconditional love no matter how out of line I acted while my mother was more authoritarian--I tried to parent as my dad parented me) but also had untreated depression and anxiety (have a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 as well but unsure about that one). This had to be very confusing for them. We constantly sent mixed messages. I first went to a psychiatrist when they were both in high school. Our family was very isolated (I still really don't have any IRL friends) because my FOO was on the other side of the country and his mother was two states away. I even homeschooled one of the children for a while because I couldn't stand it when his father yelled for getting bad grades (middle school). My mental illness would cause me to be paranoid of their father and I taught that to our children too.

The above paragraph makes it sound like I am not still married to him. I am. We are TRYING to get on the same page in regards to helping them. When you are married, it is impossible to accomplish much when you don't communicate openly and work together. When my mental illness is untreated, it makes it harder for me to work through these issues so I am accepting and following to a greater extent the advice of my psychiatrist and therapist. I have been confronting my husband more about what is bothering me. I can handle confrontations better when taking my medications. I can't help my children without treating my mental illness. When I don't treat it, my anxiety makes me bumble more because I end up being guided by emotions and fear.

@TunedOut

You have a lot going on there and it sounds like you are managing it well. I hear you on needing to make sure you take care of you so you can better be there for your family. I think some people never understand that, but it is the truth and so important.

Are you seeing improvements with your family? I am sorry you and your husband are having problems in this area. It's a tough one for sure, but once you get a handle on it, life becomes so much easier to manage because you have the skills to apply.

I did have a look, HappyCrafter. I am sorry your mother was a psychopathic abuser. Unfortunately it doesn't help me to read of other people's abusive childhoods.

I am managing myself better because I am in treatment but no one else is in our family. My husband and I went to a VA family therapist twice then when we were given the option to request a therapist in the community, we did and are still waiting on the authorization to go to someone else. Other things may be happening/moving this week but since they are about others, I shouldn't discuss. Thanks for your concern.

If you want to get rid of the shame or at least lower its hold on you, go to Creative Corner and read my chapters I posted there. I go over how I was abused and how I faced the emotions I inherited from my abusers that fueled my bullying behavior. There are three chapters there and they can be read in about 30 minutes, give or take.

I wish you the best always!! xoxoxoxox

@TunedOut

Wait, you are MOVING on top of this? And VA as in Veteran's Administration? You're a military family?

I hear you on respecting others. I understand.

I think the material you suggested for me to read about healing should come with a trigger warning. I fell quite physically ill last night and am wondering if it was a reaction to reading it.

By moving, I meant things are happened which makes it a bad time to discuss the situation any further. My husband and I both served. That is where we met.

Tecomsin,

I am sorry if my writing made you ill. The trigger warning is in the title of all chapters I post of my writing. But, I will add additional warnings to the bodies.

Best Always,
HC

There's been times I hit the "hug" icon and my "hug" disappeared so I had to press it again...it could have been a computer glitch on my OS, or maybe I hit something accidently with my hand and I need to adjust the setting on my mouse sensitivity.

Technology is convenient but not perfect. I think you are being diligent as possible, so no worries! : )