i don't even know where to start... trigger

I have read a bunch of people's life stories on here and I'm always touched that someone trusts us enough to expose themselves like that. I never know where to start and inevitably Ill remember something that I didn't mention earlier. So I'm going to try...

Ever since before I was born my father has drank at least a 12 pack everyday. I found out later that this had been going on since high school. He also smoked cigarettes for about 30 years and pot his entire life. When I was 16 I found out that he also does cocaine, although I don't know how often. I had found his pipes a few times but never knew what they were. I had also found numerous porn videos around the house and on the t.v. which had me, and my brother, very confused from the start. finding these videos has turned my brother, now almost 27, into a sex addict which he is now getting help for.

My dad used to tell me "if you go get me a beer I'll let you have a sip of it..." when I was about 5. At this same time I was staying at my uncle's house after school for him to watch me. He would lock me and my cousin in the family room (he had doors on every room in the house with locks on the outside) and force us to sleep the entire time we were there. Just a year or 2 ago I finally realized that while I was over there my cousin would sexually abuse me. He is several years older than me and was sexually abused by his father, my uncle. I guess I just blocked it out of my memory and one night it all came pouring out of me. Since then that whole part of the family has moved and I saw them for the first time in 13 years at my grandma's funeral.

Once my parents found out what was going on they had my sister, who is 11 years older than me, watch me after school. However, she got pregnant her senior year of high school and couldn't keep an eye on me and her own child. Around that same time, I was in 1st grade, my mom picked me up from school and took me to an apartment and said we were moving out. I found out several years later that during her and my dad's 22 year marriage she had been terrified for her and my life and I also found out that he has been in jail for DUI's, drug charges and domestic abuse. He was also put in jail for domestic abuse the night my step-mom found out he was cheating on her. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The whole divorce process lasted about a year and 1/2 and somehow my dad got custody of me even with all the offenses I just listed. So my whole life he was there physically, but never emotionally or mentally. I realized recently that he was very manipulative. He would tell me that my mom was trying to turn us against him and trying to get us to hate him. When in reality my mom could have said so much more than she did but she kept it inside to retain our relationship with my dad. So I hated my mom and gave her so much more crap than she deserved growing up. And I think if I had to go through what she did, I would be a little crazy, also.

Around 10 I started to get very depressed. I only tried to kill myself once by cutting my wrists and taking about a bottle of asprin but quickly got scared and blotted my wrists and threw up when I realized I didn't really want to die. So instead I just cut and cut and cut. My step-mom found out as well as my friends who threatened to tell my mom if I didn't and counted I think 50 cuts at one time. They would periodically check to make sure I hadn't done any more so I just cut other places than my wrists. My family doctor just switched me to all kinds of anti-depressents and no one ever took the time to just listen. They thought I just needed drugs that turned me into a zombie and I hated it.

With the help of my friends I realized what i was doing to myself and, unfortunately, I still have some scars from it. This lasted for about 3 years all the way through middle school and ended about my freshman year. When I was 17 my mom took me on a cruise for my graduation/spring break present. On the flight home my sister, dad and brother all called me so I knew something was wrong. When I called my dad he told me that my step-mom had found a cell phone bill with a woman's number on it and called it. She found out that he had been cheating with this woman for months. He came home drunk, of course, and tried to strangle her. He spent the night in jail for domestic violence and I spent the flight home bawling my eyes out.

Then on homecoming night my boyfriend tried to get me to have sex with him. I said no several times but he still did and I broke up with him and he didn't understand why. There was also a boy that had a girlfriend and he followed me home. He didn't have sex with me but he did other things even though I tried to physically push him off. Not to mention this other guy who walked me home from my geometry class and I had to push him out my front door. After I refused to have sex with him he used to tell me that the world would be better off if I had killed myself. I confided in him and he totally used it against me.

I found a 27 year old who seemed like he cared and I packed my stuff and moved out. I lied to my family about how old he was and that i was living with him. He was an alcoholic but had graduated from alcohol counseling and stayed sober for about 2 months straight. He had flipped his truck and gotten his license taken away which resulted in him being in counseling. Then he started drinking again because he got the mindset of "i can handle one or 2 drinks". He started lying to me about it and coming home drunk. Sometimes I wouldn't see him for days. He started cheating on me and openly telling me which girls he worked with that he wanted to have sex with and who he thought was attractive and comparing me to them. He would spit in my face, hold me on the ground with his knee in my chest trying to suffocate me, pulled a knife on me. He threatened to kill himself as well as me. He got his old friends to call me threatening to blow up my car. The reason I never thought this was wrong was because his friends treated it like it was my fault. They stuck by him when he was trying to kill me.

One night he called me 327 times in one night. I have changed my phone number 4 times and he always finds me. This is what has started my hypervigilance and always being terrified. Even now, almost 3 years later, sex scares me. If I get put into a certain position that reminds me of what he used to make me do I just start crying. It has ruined a few relationships.

So I finally packed my stuff into my car and lived out of my car for about a month until I found a friend who needed another roommate.

Luckily at that time I met my boyfriend and, although my ex has found me since then and called me, my life has taken a dramatic turn for the better. I'm sure Ill remember other things to add on and Im sorry this was so long. This is the first time Ive ever been able to talk about it without crying the whole time. thanks for anyone who has helped me thus far.

saluki. In the short time I've been here, I've read your posts with interest. You're a caring, independent thinker with a huge heart. I have the utmost respect for you and generally I think you're pretty damn cool.

So thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I'm so sorry for what you've endured and I wish there was a way to take the pain away. But none of it was your fault, you don't deserve any of what happened to you, and you've become an amazing person in spite of it all.

You've come a long way. And now, by sharing this here, you've come another step further.

Cyran0

thanks cyran0. I figured out of anyone on here you would be one of the first to respond. I think youre pretty damn cool too and I see a lot of resemblances between us.

I think each time I talk about this stuff it helps me heal that much more. Before I told anyone it ate away at me everyday. Now I can go a couple days without thinking about my abusers. Its a slow process but I feel that Im well on my way.

Thanks for reading and taking an interest

(((((((((((saluki))))))))))))

thanks kiya

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it must have been very difficult for you, and I hope that it has helped you out some. I'm so happy for you, it's great your life is improving. you are worth a lot, and hopefully now its time for you to start getting what you deserve.
Good luck with everything,

(((((((Saluki)))))))))