[Sam_I_Am]

I've never posted my story on here before. This isn't comprehensive, but it's the main points. I'm having a really difficult time with it being Christmas and all, probably because that's when these things happened more and when I spent time with these people.

1.) I was sexually abused by my cousin, 12 years older than me, from age 3 to 6. I don't remember too many details-- I just mainly remember locations where it happened (5 different places total, but who knows how many times in each location), and some of the sensations/feelings/images from it. I know it happened at various points in the year, but two of my most vivid memories were on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't know "why" it stopped, but the age I last remember it correlates to when he moved out of his mom's house, so I kinda think I just didn't really see him as much anymore.

2.) Growing up, my mom would sometimes act emotionally abusive to me. I really think she suffers from some kind of mental illness that's never been diagnosed-- She also was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused in childhood. At times, she would be super-fun, outgoing, caring-- during these "good" times, we would bake cookies, do arts and crafts projects, play games. But other times she would turn on me or my dad-- blaming me for any slight thing that went wrong, criticizing me for everything (i.e. getting a B rather than an A, grounding me for having a sock on my floor). She frequently was on an extreme diet, at times was extremely frighteningly religious. She would leave me and my dad on a whim, stay gone a couple days, then come back and everything would be "fine." The worst of this was when I was 12, I tried to kill myself by taking 77 children's chewable tylenols. I struggled with depression ever since i could remember (probably dealing with the sexual abuse and my mom's unpredictability, though at the time I never connected anything.) I told my parents very shortly after, which sparked an argument (My dad saying, "She needs help, this is normal", my mom saying, "She's fine, she's just doing this for attention.") As usual, my mom "won"-- she ended up leaving us for a week, I didn't get any help for the suicide attempt (medical or psychological)-- we just ignored it. (I was sleepy and later threw up, but obviously I was okay, physically.) This was the week before Christmas.

3.) When I was 15, I started having worse problems with depression and started cutting myself. A lot of this was triggered by me remembering the sexual abuse again and realizing it's impact on me. I was seeing a therapist, at my request, and after several months of talking about nothing really, I told her about my memories. Unfortunately, she didn't tell me ahead of time that she was a mandated reporter and that she'd have to file a DCF report because I was under-age. She then told my parents, against my will, who then told my aunt (my cousin's mom), against my will. My whole family found out either through my parents or my aunt. My aunt and I used to be super-close; we always lived in the same neighborhood, and she was like a best friend to me. Initially, she said she believed me and still wanted to have a relationship with me. Then she ended up just cutting all contact with me and my mom, and I haven't heard from her since. That was 8 years ago. Other family ended up having similar reactions, but maybe not as extreme-- they didn't outright reject me but alternated between refusing to talk about it to asking me, "Why couldn't you keep your mouth shut?" My immediate family, however, was mostly supportive.

4.) Around the same time that I told about the abuse, I became friends with this 19 y/o guy (I was 15). He was the first person I ever told about the abuse (even before my therapist), and I think we became so close because he had similar experiences. Well, he and I soon became romantically involved, and we ended up staying together for 5 years. The relationship was emotionally abusive from the beginning (and I guess sexually abusive in that it was technically SA for us to even have sex), then later on physically and sexually after we moved in together. He also had an alcohol problem. We lived together from the time I was 17 to 20. He started stalking me and harassing me after we broke up, and I haven't been completely away from contact with him until a year ago.

5.) When I was 22, I was studying abroad in London and dating a guy I had met there. We were together about a month when he sexually assaulted me. I have had a hard time calling this r*pe because we had had sex before, but this particular time he forced me to have sex w/o a condom. In retrospect, I could see traits that were emotionally abusive also, but at the time, I didn't recognize it.

Anyhoo, I've also had an emotionally abusive relationship for about 6 mos with a female shortly after the r*pe, but I've lost interest in writing now. Not all of these things happened around the holidays, but some did, and it's like one memory triggers memories of all these things....

[Perna]

Oh, Sam, I hate when one trigger elicits a string of things like that. When my stepmother died (my primary abuser) my stepsister called to tell me right as I was on my way out the door to see my T! What luck. Anyway, I had to drive a long way to my T's office in another state but had to pass all of my childhood homes and all the thoughts of 50 years just ganged up on me as I did. I was on Interstates the whole way and it's a miracle I didn't crash what with crying so hard and trying to drive at 70 mph.

Going to T that day was very helpful because suddenly it was about the "present" and I was grounded again, felt how it was done and such things have been much easier after that.

[Cyran0]

Sam, thanks for sharing that. I know it's not an easy thing to do.

I'm so sorry for what you've endured and I think it's great you're getting help. I'm sorry the holidays are taking a toll.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[Sam_I_Am]

Thanks, Perna and Cyrano. Long drives on the interstate tend to afford me time to ruminate too (often not in a good way)-- both my therapy and group are rather far from me, so I do a lot of thinking/remembering on Tuesdays and Wednesdays more than anything. Unfortunately, it's usually on my way home rather than there. That's fortunate that you were on your way to your therapist when you got news like that. I tend to go to therapy completely in touch with emotions about day-to-day stressors (work, traffic, etc) which don't necessarily need much talking about, and completely detached from emotions about past abuse, which is why I am there in the first place (but then on random days that I don't go to therapy, it just hits me). But I guess detachment/emotional numbness was my biggest coping mechanism...

[DePressMe]

As a child, my abuse escalated during the holidays too. For a long time, I refused to celebrate Christmas--I would literally leave the country over Christmas. The holidays are still a little stressful for me, but they seem to be getting better. I think all the therapy is starting to pay off for me.

I too attempted suicide at a young age--a pill overdose when I was 11. I am so sorry you did not get the help you needed...I also, just got real sick and nothing was done to help me. No matter what was said, I don't believe you attempted suicide for the attention. I really, truly wish you would have gotten help then. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I got the help I needed when I first attempted suicide.

Thanks for trusting us with your story. It takes a lot of courage to post about the difficult things we have gone through. You sound like a very strong person for being able to keep going through all this...remember that--remember how strong you are.