[Christina86]

This holiday season has not been the most fun on record.

First, an off-handed comment from my mother about my stepdad. How although he drinks and can get loud that he "never lays a hand on any of us" ...

*shudder*

If only my mom knew. But she never will. None of my family ever will. I've promised to bury it and not tell them, but it's times like those that really hurt.

Tried to not freak out or have a panic attack. It was so hard. But I managed to pull it off.

Then a major argument just yesterday.

My mom saying how my dad (not stepdad, my parents are divorced) was an emotional abuser. They always say such mean things to one another...

But best comment, my mom says there was a time when she thought my dad was abusing his three daughters (my sisters and me). Never ever happened. My dad has never laid a hand on any of us. But that triggered inside my head and tried to not freak out again.

Then she said that if she ever thought my stepdad was hurting any of us that she wouldnt have stayed with him...

I had to bite my tongue. I didnt say anything. Was so tempted. So hating my family.

Now I'm alone with my stepdad for 1.5 days... nothing will happen, but the thoughts are still there. Something that happened 6 or 7 years ago still plays in my head...

I've had enough of my family. the emotional and verbal abuse... I'm sick of thinking I'm stupid and worthless and a burden... I'm sick of the negative messages in my head. I'm sick of the distortions, and I'm sick of knowing that they're all lies, and yet still believing them. Internalizing them.

And most of all, I'm sick of the fact I'm not over this one incident. I mean, it was only once. I've talked about. But I refuse to have to deal with it. It was my fault, it will always be my fault.

I just wish I could have a trigger-free family vacation.

[Cyran0]

Christina, if I read between the lines correctly, your step dad molested you once? And he's also an alcoholic who can be violent or threatening? And on top of that, your family is verbally combative and abusive?

Considering all that, I'm not surprised that the molestation still bothers you. That alone can be too much to process but when you pile all this other stuff on it, it's crippling.

I have a lot of trouble believing the molestation was your fault. If it was your step dad and you're the age I think you are, and this was six years ago, there's no way it was your fault. He was in charge and even if a young woman in his charge is dancing naked in front of him, HE is still responsible for crossing that line. He has the power and he should know better.

I'm sorry the holidays have been hard but please don't blame yourself. As for your family, I hope you're able to get yourself out of that situation sometime soon.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[Christina86]

Not molested... assaulted, yes. He's not an alcoholic - that's what I got in trouble for saying he was yesterday. Lets just say "binge drinker". He's not violent or threatening, just loud and mean.

I'm out of home tomorrow and back to rez, so only one more day... not that bad.

Thanks Cyran0.

im sorry the holidays bring up so much inside. You are in my thoughts. ((((((Christina))))))

[Christina86]

thanks (((((((((ev))))))))))))

[Cyran0]

Christina, sorry I was so far off the mark. I just reread your post and I'm not sure now why I got molestation out of that. So please change everything I said about molestation to physical abuse and the same post still holds true.

I've never seen a kid throw themselves into the fist of their parent so it's always the parent's fault. And a loud and mean binge drinker *wink* doesn't sound any less disturbing than a violent or threatening alcoholic. Especially considering the negative messages you're being bombarded with.

Anyway, I hope everything is ok and be safe.

Cyran0

[Cthomas]

Hey you. I just saw this. Anything I can do.. now that 5 hours or so after posting ive come on line and want to help ?

Take care, i care.....

Colleen

[Christina86]

thank you ((((((((Cyran0))))))))))))

[Christina86]

You already did.

((((((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))) thanks