[PsychoPhil]

Hi -

been member of this forum for a while and shared some stories of my somewhat problematic youth. I'm now 53, moved out of my parent's home over 30 years ago, and am terrified of my mom even today. Last visit, everything still got worse and I might appreciate some advice.

Trigger warning this whole bit, it's awful but thanks in advance for reading and bearing with me---> !!

So my mom is an unstable person. I remember her as nice with some blackouts until I was about 8. After we moved cities she increasingly turned nasty and by the time I was 11 she favoured my two year older brother for his better marks and social skills. I'm an Aspie and was randomly beaten and viciously criticised instead of being helped. I handled this situation fairly well by going into total opposition around age 13.

As part of my medical problems I had a varicocele - a varicose vein atop of my left testicle - operated at age 13. The first surgery was a failure, the bulging vein never disappeared and subsequently kept growing. The surgery is a bit tricky and can be repeated if it doesn't work first time. My parents - father medical doctor, general practitioner, mom a teacher - noticed the failure but either didn't care or never believed in the possibility of a successful second try. So I was left with the painful and embarrassing condition.

When I was 14 the family situation was further complicated by my brother's suicide for which my parents never assumed responsibility. My mom says family life was harmonious - never mind her violence and screaming fits - and the incident was simultaneously declared an accident and blame put on teachers just in case it wasn't. My father told me my brother had "slipped out" with a dog leash around his neck. My mom said he didn't look ugly, just a little pale when she identified him at the morgue, and off we went on a viewing at the graveyard chapel. If you've ever seen execution photos, the look is best described as someone who hanged himself without breaking the neck. Very traumatising and with hindsight I wonder if my mom was taking revenge when she exposed me to this.

My mom took counselling sessions and medication in the aftermath. No help for me, likely because any outside professional would have had to ask questions on family life and abuse. Seems to have been my parent's general attitude: for fear of embarrassment, add some more abuse.

So now, age 15, I was left with a painful varicocele that no one seemed to care about and a suicide situation with self-pitiful mom. Wasn't long until I fell into a very deep and nasty first depressive episode with delusions on appearance, see body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). No adult in his right mind could possibly have overlooked the fact that I was in trouble, and yet, no help.

Around age 16 an aunt came for a visit, her husband professor in urology, who examined me and must have recommended a second surgery for my varicocele. Probably 6 months later me and my mom finally saw a local urologist, who confirmed a second surgery was urgently needed. I remember the uro saying he'd never seen something like this before, the varicocele much thicker than the one in the wikipedia photo. So my medical doctor dad must have taken some heat from his colleague for the neglect. We lived in a small town where reputation really mattered.

My father had a pragmatic solution to the embarrassment of neglecting his second son after losing his first to suicide. He claimed the varicocele was a relapse, that it had gone away after the first surgery and only just come back, but for the case it hadn't just come back, that he had left it untreated because he didn't believe in the possibility of a successful second surgery.

Me and my mom had been sent home by the local urologist with the advice that we'd hear back from him with an appointment for the second surgery. Instead, my dad came talk to me that the varicocele, huge, painful and embarrassing as it was, couldn't be bettered and that I'd have to accept the condition and live with it. Not great for the self esteem of a 16 year old, to say the least.

Three months before my 18th birthday I went to see the urologist on my own and asked for a second surgery. He answered that yes, a second surgery was needed but that I knew as well as him that my parents wouldn't allow it. I said, fine, that's why I'm here now. Let's fix an appointment right after my 18th birthday, where I would be of legal age and could sign all the papers myself. He agreed this was a good plan but - small town medical doctors - must have called my dad to pass the news. For my dad the situation was of course highly problematic because a surgery appointment after my 18th birthday would clearly have indicated I had been forced against my will to live with a condition like that.

When I arrived home from my visit at the uro's office, my parents greeted me with the news that they now allowed a second surgery and that an appointment was only available one week before my 18th birthday. My mom was delighted about the opportunity to make use of her powers as legal guardian one last time. In the pre-surgery consultations I wasn't taken seriously, all matters addressed with my mom because I was only 17.95 years old. Now the juicy bit: the assistant doctor asked us for a sperm sample. This is standard procedure for varicocele surgery, especially in cases with extensive damage due to long-term pressure on testicles. The request was first phrased in a manner I didn't understand and I may have looked a bit surprised upon clarification. My mom left the room with the assistant doctor and I never heard back of the sperm sample matter.

I know this may sound incredible, but I swear it's true: when I woke up after the surgery, my best parts were all in glibber. The sperm sample had been taken under general anesthesia without my prior knowledge or consent. I disgustedly confronted my mom and she firmly denied this ever happened. At least, the second surgery was a success.

Well, my mom firmly denied she had the sperm sample taken until my visit two weeks ago. Me and my mom came to speak of medical doctors. I mentioned my dissatisfaction with my ex family doctor and she complained about an eye specialist of hers, adding that my now 10 years deceased dad was always a friendly and caring doctor, very much unlike these money greedy new guys. I said, if my father was always a friendly caring doctor, he must have made an exception for me, mentioning the 40 years old story of my varicocele.

My mom is now 80 years old and still at her best. She said this whole story wasn't true, that the varicocele hadn't persisted after the first surgery at age 13 and that I'd been treated for a relapse at age 17. Never did my father not allow a surgery. And now, the best part of the long story: she said that the varicocele issue was rather an example of my disobedience and "lack of cooperation", that in fact I had been so uncooperative even with the sperm sample that she had no choice but let nurses take it whilst I was unconscious.

Another one of my mom's flat lies. And even today, at age 53, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned at her cold hearted cruelty. So my parents let me sit with a sibling's suicide and a very painful varicocele, disallow treatment at age 16, then finally agree only because a second surgery can't no longer be prevented, conspire with the local uro for an appointment one week before my 18th birthday, and then my mom has nothing better to do but make use of her last week as legal guardian to have me jerked off whilst unconscious!?? She has to be effing kidding me!!

And my mom is dead serious about this. In her same cold faced *****y manner, where she would have slapped me in the face as a kid at the first best opportunity, she showed me with 36 years of delay a letter from the urologist stating the varicocele was a relapse. Which it wasn't. The only thing she's upset about is the fact that I drove away without formally saying good bye. And that I haven't picked up the phone since.

Now question for the community: my mom is my mom and the only mom I'm ever going to have. But I just can't take this ***** no more. Or should I?? Am I cruel if I break off contact? This varicocele thing was on top of her abuse, on top of my brother's suicide, and resulted in considerable physical damage to my testicles. Seeing the pain, embarrassment and effects on self esteem and sexual development, it was probably similarly as bad as long term sexual abuse. Having a sperm sample taken without consent whilst unconscious is very close to sexual abuse. And my mom now has the chutzpah to tell me all of this was just because I was disobedient? Can it actually get worse? I think it simply never occurred to her that I'm not just her son, but also a person with rights and feelings.

[TishaBuv]

My mother and I are approximately the same ages as you and yours. I keep a safe distance now without going no contact. I call once a week, don’t bring up anything inflammatory, and get off the phone as soon as she starts upsetting me. Keeping some contact feels best for me. It causes me less anxiety and grief than cutting all ties. Besides, she would keep calling and invalidating me if I stopped calling her, only upsetting me. She’s not letting me get away so easy!

My mother is a mixture of nice and toxic. I have very mixed feelings about her. She would most likely get diagnosed with NPD, but she would spit in the doctor’s face if they dared try.

[PsychoPhil]

I've been keeping a distance for decades and we used to speak on the phone about once per week. I never liked these calls since me and my mom simply can't talk. But now I'm just disgusted. I think we're way past the stage where validation or invalidation still mattered.

[Poiuytl]

Have you ever tried to tell your mother what you really think of her? I mean, in my experience, openness can bring some results. No dramatic changes but a little bit of a shift of power. You would be a little bit less afraid, she would be a little bit afraid of losing her power over you, or of losing you, which could make her a little bit more accommodating.

[downandlonely]

Your mom is not going to change, so distancing yourself from her makes sense. Have you thought of writing a letter to her explaining how you feel about the abuse over the years and not sending it? I've heard that can be therapeutic. The letter would be for you, not for her.

[PsychoPhil]

@Poiuytl: yes, I've been talking to her quite openly about my feelings, especially my total lack of affection and her impossible behaviour causing it. This has had some temporary effects, but after some months reverts back to what it was or even gets worse because my mom "corrects" her memory to something that justifies her acts in her subjective view. Maybe last year I mentioned the varicocele story including the rather mean twist of the sneaky sperm check, and now the relevant facts are crossed out in her memory and the only thing remaining that it was somehow all my fault. Maybe she noticed I left the breakfast table in disgust, but also this will soon morph into something else in her brain.

@downandlonely: she's not going to change, true. And it looks like the more I distance myself, the meaner she gets.

[happysobercrafter]

Your mother sounds a lot like mine was. When I was in my 40s I found out why she was the way she was. I know now no amount of reasoning would work with her; she was hatred through and through.

So, I say good for you on distancing yourself from your mother. She is not benefiting your life and just because some people are parents, it does not elevate them to a high level of respect.

You know, society pounds in our heads that mothers and fathers are to be obeyed and respected and so forth. To me, that is unrealistic. There are millions of parents who are mentally ill and can't even take care of themselves, much less children.

I think you could benefit from reading up on narcissistic mothers. It could answer a lot of your questions. Have you read up on that? Also articles on ridding yourself of toxic people from your life.

I am sorry you have had to go through this, but you are in the right place to find answers.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I think you could benefit from reading up on narcissistic mothers. It could answer a lot of your questions. Have you read up on that? Also articles on ridding yourself of toxic people from your life.

Yes, at least some of my mom's behaviour fits narcissistic patterns. Golden child and scapegoat. Undermining self-esteem. Always blaming others. Low empathy. Gaslighting, a big one for her. On my side mistrust from all her lies.

However, my mom is also a very unstable person with inexplicable mood swings compatible with some form of bipolar disorder.

Herself claiming to be perfectly normal would also be a narcissistic trait.

Must read more on ridding myself from toxic people.

[happysobercrafter]

@PsychoPhil

How are you doing?

[divine1966]

I am sorry for your pain .

My therapist told me that going no contact with abusive parent is ok or if no contact isn’t possible you keep it to the very basic minimum. My brother and I are dealing with pretty bizarre behaviors of our father so it’s pretty tough to deal with. I feel guilty to estrange from him but I don’t know if I can even continue dealing with it much longer

I hear you. It’s sad isn’t it

[PsychoPhil]

Coming back to this old thread: I was very angry when I wrote this up and am still very upset. Contact with my mom has been minimal since. But I realise that through the anger my mom is still influencing my life, and not in a good way. Does anyone know a way out of this dilemma?

[happysobercrafter]

I can't tell you what to do; in my situation, I cut ties with my mother and sisters. They are too toxic and I was drained after every encounter. Nothing on the earth would have gotten them to see things through my eyes.

I had to put my mental health first.

They were never concerned about my well-being. I have no idea what their thoughts were, but I knew they would always criticize me and be hateful no matter what I did.

[PsychoPhil]

Going minimal contact benefits me and moving away from Germany to Canada was an important first step out of denial. However, to really overcome the influence of a toxic parent I think one needs to get the anger out of the head. But how do I do that? My mom's extreme provocation from last May was probably an attempt to gain power by making me angry and guilty. While my anger is natural and totally justified I fear it's also a source of self-defeating behaviour.

Am currently reading Susan Forward, Toxic Parents. Very insightful book, haven't gotten to the advice section yet.

@PsychoPhil your mother sounds like my mother as far as the undermining self-esteem, the gas lighting, the low to zero empathy, the blame-shame game, and inability to apologize for her own wrong doing. You have my full sympathy.

Not a darn thing you can do that will change who your mother is. My mother has dementia and even before that hit her, if I ever brought up all the ways she hurt me, she just deflected with an insult like, "well, you were a horrible daughter," etc.

(It's why my estranged brother cut our mother out of his life and only helps her financially at her nursing home when she needs it.)

Family may be blood, but that doesn't mean we have to keep them in our lives when they are toxic to our well being. If writing your mother a letter but never mailing it helps to get out your pent up feelings, then do that. Or, post here in blog-form.

If you have to keep in contact with your mother, have VERY rigid boundaries with her and whatever you do, do not react to her baiting you with insults.

Keep the phone calls to a short time, and let her know if she insults you, you'll hang up. Setting boundaries verbally with toxic people is exhausting but necessary for our well-being.

Hang in there.

[PsychoPhil]

StreetcarBlanche, very well observed. Thanks! the baiting is very typical for my mom to a point where I was wondering what she would do without this source of life energy and satisfaction.

Before my bro's suicide she was just plain nasty with me. Afterwards she changed tactics to provoke me with infantilizing suggestions of what to eat or not to eat in which quantity and sequence, and any plea, angry outburst or comment would just turn her on further. Ignoring her nagging could also result in her physically pressing items on me, whatever was best suitable to upset me, ideally in front of visitors or strangers, like in restaurants. The only effective defence is to stay away from her.

Now that I'm thinking of it I did exactly what the cliché of passing on the abuse suggests: after meals I got up to tease the dog, ideally with something seemingly benign or irrelevant, like wiggling fingers, which would provoke the dog to jump up and growl or even bite me.

The dog never understood I was only teasing him because he got upset so easily. Or maybe he was intelligent enough to imitate mealtime rituals of his humans.

Constant nagging is surprisingly destructive, even or perhaps especially if it's seemingly benign.

[nicoleflynn]

Getting into therapy could help you cope with these feelings.

[Open Eyes]

PsychoPhil, given that your mother is 80 years old, she isn't going to change or see you the way you wish her to see you. Her pattern of living in denial has been how she deals and this goes all the way back for you in your life and became your mother's way of escaping realities in her own life. That being said, her generation was pretty ignorant about a lot of things too. Not only that, but there was a lot of denial in not only her generation but her parent's generation.

[PsychoPhil]

She is now turning 82 and part of the Kriegskinder generation. She was 6 when literally the whole world fell apart, from school suspended to first Americans then Russians invading, her seeing German soldiers walking the street whom she later found shot at some river, to refugees accommodated in her parent's house, bringing bedbugs. Then at least one winter of hunger. All parents, their Victorian upbringing aside, were far too busy to care about children. Not just that, but also at the time psycologists, if they even existed, assumed children were unaffected by the turmoil.

German post-war psychiatrists all acknowledged the damage done by the war to adults, especially bomb victims and soldiers. The war on the eastern frontier had been one of the longest and most brutal ever and practically everyone getting out alive will have had some form of PTSD. Those injured were often morphine addicts and the country handed out prescriptions and early retirement offers.

However, because of the Nazi guilt, the topic was rarely discussed, and even in modern times, with all the progress in psychology, the war generation has no one to blame but themselves assuming connection to the German variation of the N-word.

"Kriegskinder" is a book about this and the author, Hilke Lorenz, was aware she would be getting a good deal of flak for it because pointing out problems of the war generation could be seen as revanchist. Many German adults had inexplicable problems when often the reason should have been only too evident. Someone waking up from terrible nightmares born in Hamburg in 1941 would have been two years old when the city was next to annihilated in the 1943 bomb attacks. But psycholigists assumed those children were too young to understand.

Getting back to me, it looks like my mom was severely affected. Just unlike the Kriegsenkel (war grand children) generation, reading the book I felt like a Kriegskind myself. Much of the way the Kriegskinder were treated applied to me, from harsh punishment to the traumatising suicide, where my mom took me along to the morgue and what I saw was just terrible.

My mom has this quirk of having to be in the provider role, to the point where she moved the bread and other food on this silly trolley-table of hers, where only she and my dad could reach, so that we had to beg for every slice of toast to be handed to us. Food was special and not to be wasted.

So in this fight last May, where it might have dawned on my mom that this was serious, her first complaint was me not finishing some stupid tomato crisp bread, which I had left half eaten banging my fists. *** Absolutely crazy ***

No, she's not going to change, that's settled, along with the fact that harm was indeed passed from generation to generation and the whole of Germany still hasn't realized the war time trauma.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Getting into therapy could help you cope with these feelings.

Yes, some therapy sessions around this subject would make sense.

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

"Kriegskinder" is a book about this and the author, Hilke Lorenz, was aware she would be getting a good deal of flak for it because pointing out problems of the war generation could be seen as revanchist.

Many German adults had inexplicable problems when often the reason should have been only too evident. Someone waking up from terrible nightmares born in Hamburg in 1941 would have been two years old when the city was next to annihilated in the 1943 bomb attacks. But psycholigists assumed those children were too young to understand.

Getting back to me, it looks like my mom was severely affected. Just unlike the Kriegsenkel (war grand children) generation, reading the book I felt like a Kriegskind myself. Much of the way the Kriegskinder were treated applied to me, from harsh punishment to the traumatising suicide, where my mom took me along to the morgue and what I saw was just terrible.

My mom has this quirk of having to be in the provider role, to the point where she moved the bread and other food on this silly trolley-table of hers, where only she and my dad could reach, so that we had to beg for every slice of toast to be handed to us. Food was special and not to be wasted.

So in this fight last May, where it might have dawned on my mom that this was serious, her first complaint was me not finishing some stupid tomato crisp bread, which I had left half eaten banging my fists. *** Absolutely crazy ***

No, she's not going to change, that's settled, along with the fact that harm was indeed passed from generation to generation and the whole of Germany still hasn't realized the war time trauma.

Knowing that context about your mother's life history definitely explains why she's been so abusive to you and your deceased brother (I'm sorry for your loss).

I think you have a memoir in here about how your life has been effected by a family generation of war-related trauma. Many good immigration and war memoirs exist that could inspire you to tell your own story.

New Lives: Immigrant Memoirs | NoveList | EBSCOhost

Best Memoirs about Immigrant Families (37 books)

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

Hi -

been member of this forum for a while and shared some stories of my somewhat problematic youth. I'm now 53, moved out of my parent's home over 30 years ago, and am terrified of my mom even today. Last visit, everything still got worse and I might appreciate some advice.

Trigger warning this whole bit, it's awful but thanks in advance for reading and bearing with me---> !!

So my mom is an unstable person. I remember her as nice with some blackouts until I was about 8. After we moved cities she increasingly turned nasty and by the time I was 11 she favoured my two year older brother for his better marks and social skills. I'm an Aspie and was randomly beaten and viciously criticised instead of being helped. I handled this situation fairly well by going into total opposition around age 13.

As part of my medical problems I had a varicocele - a varicose vein atop of my left testicle - operated at age 13. The first surgery was a failure, the bulging vein never disappeared and subsequently kept growing. The surgery is a bit tricky and can be repeated if it doesn't work first time. My parents - father medical doctor, general practitioner, mom a teacher - noticed the failure but either didn't care or never believed in the possibility of a successful second try. So I was left with the painful and embarrassing condition.

When I was 14 the family situation was further complicated by my brother's suicide for which my parents never assumed responsibility. My mom says family life was harmonious - never mind her violence and screaming fits - and the incident was simultaneously declared an accident and blame put on teachers just in case it wasn't. My father told me my brother had "slipped out" with a dog leash around his neck. My mom said he didn't look ugly, just a little pale when she identified him at the morgue, and off we went on a viewing at the graveyard chapel. If you've ever seen execution photos, the look is best described as someone who hanged himself without breaking the neck. Very traumatising and with hindsight I wonder if my mom was taking revenge when she exposed me to this.

My mom took counselling sessions and medication in the aftermath. No help for me, likely because any outside professional would have had to ask questions on family life and abuse. Seems to have been my parent's general attitude: for fear of embarrassment, add some more abuse.

So now, age 15, I was left with a painful varicocele that no one seemed to care about and a suicide situation with self-pitiful mom. Wasn't long until I fell into a very deep and nasty first depressive episode with delusions on appearance, see body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). No adult in his right mind could possibly have overlooked the fact that I was in trouble, and yet, no help.

Around age 16 an aunt came for a visit, her husband professor in urology, who examined me and must have recommended a second surgery for my varicocele. Probably 6 months later me and my mom finally saw a local urologist, who confirmed a second surgery was urgently needed. I remember the uro saying he'd never seen something like this before, the varicocele much thicker than the one in the wikipedia photo. So my medical doctor dad must have taken some heat from his colleague for the neglect. We lived in a small town where reputation really mattered.

My father had a pragmatic solution to the embarrassment of neglecting his second son after losing his first to suicide. He claimed the varicocele was a relapse, that it had gone away after the first surgery and only just come back, but for the case it hadn't just come back, that he had left it untreated because he didn't believe in the possibility of a successful second surgery.

Me and my mom had been sent home by the local urologist with the advice that we'd hear back from him with an appointment for the second surgery. Instead, my dad came talk to me that the varicocele, huge, painful and embarrassing as it was, couldn't be bettered and that I'd have to accept the condition and live with it. Not great for the self esteem of a 16 year old, to say the least.

Three months before my 18th birthday I went to see the urologist on my own and asked for a second surgery. He answered that yes, a second surgery was needed but that I knew as well as him that my parents wouldn't allow it. I said, fine, that's why I'm here now. Let's fix an appointment right after my 18th birthday, where I would be of legal age and could sign all the papers myself. He agreed this was a good plan but - small town medical doctors - must have called my dad to pass the news. For my dad the situation was of course highly problematic because a surgery appointment after my 18th birthday would clearly have indicated I had been forced against my will to live with a condition like that.

When I arrived home from my visit at the uro's office, my parents greeted me with the news that they now allowed a second surgery and that an appointment was only available one week before my 18th birthday. My mom was delighted about the opportunity to make use of her powers as legal guardian one last time. In the pre-surgery consultations I wasn't taken seriously, all matters addressed with my mom because I was only 17.95 years old. Now the juicy bit: the assistant doctor asked us for a sperm sample. This is standard procedure for varicocele surgery, especially in cases with extensive damage due to long-term pressure on testicles. The request was first phrased in a manner I didn't understand and I may have looked a bit surprised upon clarification. My mom left the room with the assistant doctor and I never heard back of the sperm sample matter.

I know this may sound incredible, but I swear it's true: when I woke up after the surgery, my best parts were all in glibber. The sperm sample had been taken under general anesthesia without my prior knowledge or consent. I disgustedly confronted my mom and she firmly denied this ever happened. At least, the second surgery was a success.

Well, my mom firmly denied she had the sperm sample taken until my visit two weeks ago. Me and my mom came to speak of medical doctors. I mentioned my dissatisfaction with my ex family doctor and she complained about an eye specialist of hers, adding that my now 10 years deceased dad was always a friendly and caring doctor, very much unlike these money greedy new guys. I said, if my father was always a friendly caring doctor, he must have made an exception for me, mentioning the 40 years old story of my varicocele.

My mom is now 80 years old and still at her best. She said this whole story wasn't true, that the varicocele hadn't persisted after the first surgery at age 13 and that I'd been treated for a relapse at age 17. Never did my father not allow a surgery. And now, the best part of the long story: she said that the varicocele issue was rather an example of my disobedience and "lack of cooperation", that in fact I had been so uncooperative even with the sperm sample that she had no choice but let nurses take it whilst I was unconscious.

Another one of my mom's flat lies. And even today, at age 53, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned at her cold hearted cruelty. So my parents let me sit with a sibling's suicide and a very painful varicocele, disallow treatment at age 16, then finally agree only because a second surgery can't no longer be prevented, conspire with the local uro for an appointment one week before my 18th birthday, and then my mom has nothing better to do but make use of her last week as legal guardian to have me jerked off whilst unconscious!?? She has to be effing kidding me!!

And my mom is dead serious about this. In her same cold faced *****y manner, where she would have slapped me in the face as a kid at the first best opportunity, she showed me with 36 years of delay a letter from the urologist stating the varicocele was a relapse. Which it wasn't. The only thing she's upset about is the fact that I drove away without formally saying good bye. And that I haven't picked up the phone since.

Now question for the community: my mom is my mom and the only mom I'm ever going to have. But I just can't take this ***** no more. Or should I?? Am I cruel if I break off contact? This varicocele thing was on top of her abuse, on top of my brother's suicide, and resulted in considerable physical damage to my testicles. Seeing the pain, embarrassment and effects on self esteem and sexual development, it was probably similarly as bad as long term sexual abuse. Having a sperm sample taken without consent whilst unconscious is very close to sexual abuse. And my mom now has the chutzpah to tell me all of this was just because I was disobedient? Can it actually get worse? I think it simply never occurred to her that I'm not just her son, but also a person with rights and feelings.

it not wrong for you to cut off contact with her and I am not surprise that you haven't expose her to what she is. I'm sorry that you ever had to go through that.

[Alatea]

@PsychoPhil, I am sorry for what you have been through.
Mothers are particularly desperate, difficult topic to resolve with oneself. Sometimes such terrible tragedies, as was the death of your brother, magnify by thousand the abnormalities in family dynamics.

It is very difficult to accept that the people who are our biological parents actually do not feel for us. Not only that they do not love us, they sometimes do not even perceive us enough to acknowledge that we have feelings and that we exist out of their narrow view of themselves. We are there to serve them, in their mind, and that is our sole purpose.
My mother expected me to tend to her needs. To take care of her emotions. To be there for her. And I always was. At one point, it became clear to me that our whole relationship was based on her neediness, and not a single real two-way emotion between us. It took me a lot of courage to admit to myself that I actually do not love her. There was nothing within her to love her for. There was nothing to hold on to in my attempt to love her. She was, in a way, impossible to love, no matter how hard I tried.

What I was doing for most of my life was filling in the gaps, producing the image of a "good enough" mom, first in order to survive my childhood filled with abuse in my primary family. I was attached to a mirage, and not a real person. When I finally could look objectively at this person who is my mother, I realized that she behaved with a lot of cruelty towards me, just as your mother was plain cruel to you, disrespectful to you as a person.

You were just a child. Your parents did not take care of you as they should have had. They were more oriented at how others would perceive their parental role, than they were interested in really fulfilling that role. It is a terrible tragedy that happened to your brother, and it is a cruel and morbid thing that your mother did, by exposing you to what seems an inexplicable cruelty towards a child that you were.
Believe me, if there were any justice, your mother should be terrified of you, and what she did to you, and not the other way round.
I believe that the resolution is always in our hands, in particular when dealing with cold in-emphatic people such as your mother or mine. If you can find strength, deal with your own emotions of anger and rage at her for what she did to you. Deal for good with the image of a "good" mom, that obviously was never there for you. She will never hear you, or show any understanding for you, but if you feel like it, tell her - for your own sake - everything that you hold her responsible for.

I hope you will find a way to curtail her power over you for good, because, to tell you the truth, she does not deserve to call you her child.
Best of luck,
A.

[Abusedbysister]

Thanks for your post PsychoPhil. I can totally relate to your post but my problem was with my sister. Toxic family dynamics are the worst because you have no where to go. I am still terrified of her. She was younger than me but managed to physically and emotionally (and at some level sexually) abuse me throughout my childhood and teenage years. She is still very controlling, has no empathy and bullies me when she can. I know if we are left together alone for two long, she would probably physically hurt me.

My recommendations are:
(1)Therapy - it will really help if you get a good therapist;
(2) No or very little contact. That also helps. I see her only during Christmas and Easter , which is too much. I am a wreck after these holidays.

I have written to her to tell her about how she hurt me but never sent it to her. I think she would have really enjoyed knowing how much control she still has over me so I kept the letter to myself.