[MsLady]

I had a conversation with my partner about our relationship. What provoked this was him telling me, "I love you, mom!" in that sing-song tone, and in front of our daughters. I feel cornered when he does this, like I'm expected to say the same in return since the girls are listening. Also, with yesterday's attempt to hold my hand and when I pulled away he said, "I'm just trying to make contact" in a victim-like tone while sitting beside our daughter. I feel it's manipulation, showing how "loving dad is towards mom" and mom just being "mean".

I've asked him before not to do this in front of the girls while we're working through our challenges. He claims he's just a very affectionate guy and not making any contact and sharing his "love" for me is a really hard thing for him to do. Translation: he needs constant affirmation that I'm still in his corner, despite everything. Yes, he is very hands on and I am, too. I'm just too guarded to even go there with him right now because of his repeated behaviours.

This conversation took place via text. I'm really frustrated with some of the things he wrote, like how he was going to "continue trying his best" to improve in our relationship.. and how he doesn't "blame me" for anything which is the exact opposite of what he's done.. and that he "loves me" which he will only tell me in front of an audience or via text. This whole thing about him trying so hard to "reconnect" and "learning and growing" as a person in all this.. how can he if he doesn't acknowledge the behaviours? Again, we're back into the, "I've been trying so hard to make you happy" without doing so with transparency, honesty, and authenticity.

Now he wants to "give me space" by asking me for a schedule for him to spend time with the girls, as we're still in lock-down mode and living under the same roof. He accused me of "dumping him" and not "loving him" anymore which were words I did not use at all.. I bet so he can use them with others as he reaches out for sympathies.

It's near 6am and I'm stressed about what the day is going to look like.. his tone, exclusions, and whatever else he will use as he's processing our conversation.

I do love him, or the person I believed he was. I see kindness in him when we're just having regular day-to-day conversations. I know he's sensitive and the affectionate type.

It makes me angry though that I'm unable to receive due to the level of uncertainty, campaign smearing, and lies. I'm angry that he tries to create scenarios that I'm the problem.. the "depressed person with postpartum issues".. rather than taking ownership of his role in this mess.

He claimed he's acknowledge his "mistakes" but really, it often comes in some form of blame, trickle truth, and minimization. Or, he gives me blanket statements about how he's lied, gaslighted, given me trickle truths, and withheld information "in the past" but not attach those behaviours to most scenarios, specifically.

He apparently contacted the office to book an appointment with a counselor. I really don't have a lot of faith in this but an attempt to show the world that he's trying to make changes and work through our challenges. The last counselor he saw, he spent time talking about our "communication challenges" due to his "ADHD". The guy recommended medication and so he booked an app with his doctor who prescribed him Ritalin. Again, he's "trying so hard". He's a recovered drug addict though and Ritalin is known to be addictive. Two weeks into it, I expressed concerns about that and BANG, he stopped taking it.. once again, the world knew about his attempts to try and the impact Ritalin could have had on him.. the sacrifices. Ugh.. and really, lying, gaslighting, drowning me out, and controlling have NOTHING to do with ADHD.

Maybe this is just a rant. My stomach is in knots because I feel the campaign smearing has continued already. "Poor guy." He's been through so much and "loves me" so much.. in the eyes of everyone else.. and I'm being so difficult, distant, and "depressed".

No, I am NOT mentally unstable. I am NOT going through postpartum depression. I am NOT the abuser.

[MsLady]

I'm starting to realize my partner may be having an affair with someone I know from our neighborhood. I don't know this as a fact, and due to all the lies and secrecy, it's possible I'm over reading this.

It occurred to me early this morning. This lady is really nice but he claims her head is "all over the place". I ran into her recently and had small chitchat with her and her friend.. mainly about the coronavirus and such. She, too, suggested she was not in a good place. She's also a drug user. I'm not sure to what degree. My partner pointed that out, as well. She works in the same company as we do (small world) and my partner had always told me her position was the same as ours.. just not full time. The other day she told me herself what her role is and it's not at all what we do for a living.

I can read into a lot of scenarios and be "suspicious" but I'm actually not bothered by it. I like her and feel for her. She thinks highly of my partner for "helping her out" when she was a teenager. I'd say there's roughly 15+years age difference between them.

Anyway, he accused me of giving up on our "family" and being with someone else when I opted to take our dog for walks more regularly. Isn't that what abusers do? They blame you for something they are doing instead? It's definitely a pattern of his.

I woke up and feel conflicted but surprisingly in a good mood. Today is "family day" and we'll be having a picnic..