I want an outside perspective on what's happening in my life

ir85xkmmxbj2ha2asw2 · 09:41 AM

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Some background
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I am a guy.

When I was 6 years old, my biological father (an alcoholic) died of some heart condition. My mother, older sister and I moved to my mother's family home with her brother's family. My mother's father found a male widower through family contacts who had recently lost his wife. He had two daughters. One was my age and other was 3 years older than me. The widower and my mother got married in April 2004 and we moved again to his home. Within a week or so of being there, he started yelling at us (my mother, sister and I) for no reason. He would slap me on the face, punch me, scream at me, call me useless even though I slaved myself to make him happy. He would also force my mother for sex, scream at her, make her cry, blame her for any inconvenience he faced. He would also grope my chest and ***, slap my *** PUBLICALLY, laugh at me, humiliate me in front of others. My mother would advice me to keep quiet and take it all because it might stop if we don't fight back. It dawned on me when I was 15 and left my home for high school that he was abusive. I am 23 now and I finally went to the therapist and she said that I have severe major depression and suicidal tendencies.

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Main Issue
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A few days ago, I had a serious argument with my sister. She insisted that I help my father with the business as lockdown is in effect in my country. I, for obvious reasons, did not want that. I was working on my office stuff on my laptop. She then proceeded to yank out my USB mouse. I caught her hand and held it away with force and said, "I will throw your phone in your face". She almost broke my mouse by grabbing it with her other hand and throwing it at the wall. She then left and came back with a plastic bucket that we use in our shower and threw it at me with all her might. She then proceeded to call me ungrateful and started swearing, insulting me. I was still calm. I picked up the bucket and started walking past her to the shower to put it back. Then she called me a Mother****er and I lost my control. I punched her twice (not with all my strength) on her shoulder and she started kicking me. This was the first time in my life that I was fighting back. I was bullied in school for 5+ years and never fought back. The scuffle ended with a small bruise on her leg and full 32 prints of her teeth on my arm where she bit me, and a small head bump where the bucket hit me.

She now thinks that I am an abuser, and says that I should thank her like she's a generous god because she didn't go to the police with domestic violence complaint against me

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Question Time
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My questions:

Was is domestic abuse?
Am I an abuser?
Was she not at fault?
Is it all on me?

I admit that I made a mistake when I punched her shoulder.

Jonny Dough · Apr 24, 2020, 01:44 PM

I wouldn't say you're at "fault", but losing your temper was a mistake. It sounds to me like these people are a malignant presence in your life. I wonder why your sister wants you to help your step-father. Is she his daughter? Anyway, it would be best to find a way to diffuse the situation and cut all these people out of your life if you can. If these kinds of interactions persist, maybe recording it somehow would be a good idea(I'd do a bit of research first). There's no reason for you to feel bad based on what you've written.

Hi IM Dan · 02:52 PM

Hi,
I would walk away from the fight next time I know first hand in the moment it can be difficult but you will grow from it.

Do you have a relationship that would allow you to understand the true reason your sister fought you to help your step father, could there be some reason behind it? Would your step father get angry for not helping?

take yourself out of any equations that would lead you to any fights to begin with.

MsLady · Apr 24, 2020, 08:23 PM

Read about Reactive Abuse.

It shouldn't have happened and now you know you need to keep a distance from her. Are you able to move out?

You're both victims of circumstances. You're both dealing with life long trauma and until you're both able to seek professional help, it's best that you cut your losses now.

I'm glad she didn't press charges and report you, and I'm glad you're now aware where your anger can take you.

I'm sorry you had to go through all that. My sympathies go out to all of you. This man can deal with his own business crisis. Charma.

ir85xkmmxbj2ha2asw2 · Apr 25, 2020, 06:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonny Dough

Is she his daughter?

No she's not. She's my biological sister.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hi IM Dan

Do you have a relationship that would allow you to understand the true reason your sister fought you to help your step father, could there be some reason behind it?

We don't have that kind of a relationship.

Quote:

Would your step father get angry for not helping?

Oh yes he does get angry when I refuse to do anything. He has threatened to kill me on multiple occasions when I was younger. I haven't refused to do anything for him until now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

Are you able to move out?

Nope. Lockdown is in effect in my entire country due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Jonny Dough · Apr 25, 2020, 11:20 AM

Yeah, these people really shouldn't have a place in your life. Don't do them any more favors. Is this kind of parent-child dynamic where children are expected to serve their parents normal in your country?

ir85xkmmxbj2ha2asw2 · Apr 26, 2020, 03:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonny Dough

Is this kind of parent-child dynamic where children are expected to serve their parents normal in your country?

Yup. That is correct.

ir85xkmmxbj2ha2asw2 · 12:01 PM

So, today I had a minor argument with my mother which made me realize that she does not think that what my step father did to us was abuse. She wanted me to help him with the business for as long as I was home and I refused. She then said some hurtful things that I don't mind listening to because I know she does not mean them, but listening to them I had this realization. She thinks that what happens in our household is 'normal'. That all fathers are like that (obviously her father was not like mine even though he was strict). What do I do now? My suicidal thoughts had reduced following the psychiatric sessions, but since I cannot have them now because of the lockdown, and with everything that's happening, they are increasing in frequency. And so are my nightmares that I have had since I as 17.

ir85xkmmxbj2ha2asw2 · Apr 26, 2020, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

Read about Reactive Abuse.

.

I read about reactive abuse and I don't think it applies here. This is the first physical fight we have had since maybe when we were little.

What she has been doing for 2-3 years was that everytime I talk back at her she would just call me ungrateful and egotistic and I would just supress my anger and urge to say something hurtful. Is what she has been doing reactive abuse?