[Mattie01]

Hi, I've been estranged from my mother and all but one sibling for over 10 years. My nacissistic mother is in her 80's and is dying. I visited her in the hospital a month ago and I had an honest conversation with her. I asked her why she and my sister shut me out. I saw her turn cold and turn away. She didn't deny it, or blame me, or shame me a usual. She just turned away. That conversation was what I needed to be able to quit feeling guilty for not being able to repair my relationship with them. I saw that my mom and siblings can't do or be anything different. I saw that I wasn't responsible to fix this.

Fast forward to yesterday. The only brother that I am in contact with, spent 10 days with my mom and siblings, saying good by to her. He spent one hour with my on his way to the airport. His last words to me were that I came up in conversation with my sisters. He told them I felt excluded by mom. The sisters told him they were surprised and didn't know I felt that way. After saying this to me, my brother immediately got up, gave me a quick hug and left.

He left me with a reality. Reality that he just dismissed what I told him I had been experiencing the past 10 years. But then, he has been dismissing my experience for the past 10 years. He never asked about why I didn’t visit her or why she didn’t visit me. He left without having a conversation about it.

It left me wanting to fill in the gaps left by not having that conversation with him. I'm trying to let his actions speak and not fill in the gaps. I am grieving that when I finally opened up to him and told him what I had been experiencing with my mom in the hospital a month earlier, he dismissed it. He was the only sibling who would visit me or contact me. He spent 10 days bonding with 4 (out of 5) of my other siblings over their mother’s decline and soon to be death. I regret visiting with him yesterday. I could have gotten out of the visit and wish I would have.

My mom is her fathers daughter. She was mentally and physically abused by him while at the same time her dad doted on a few select siblings. Only one of my aunts would talk openly about how horrible her dad was. One time, I was at my moms house and two of her older siblings were there. I don’t remember the conversation, but Fern said, something to the effect that children should love their dads. No one was allowed to say the truth about how he beat my mom and one of her brothers. He let a married preacher take another daughter as a girlfriend to live with he and his wife. He was openly hateful to some of his children and showered others with gifts. My mom and siblings are repeating the same show. How do I rewrite the show for my life and my daughters???? How do I not repeat any role in this play????

[Skeezyks]

Hello Mattie: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. One forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Survivors of Abuse forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/

I don't think there is any personal suggestions I can offer you with regard to your situation. However here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of interest:

Recovering from Childhood Neglect

Are We Obligated to Care for Aging Narcissistic Parents?

5 Common Struggles Children of Narcissists Face In Adulthood

How To Heal From a Narcissistic Parent | The Exhausted Woman

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...d-inner-child/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/child...you-never-had/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[downandlonely]

That sounds like a tough situation. I'm not sure what I would do if it were me. If you feel that there is more you want to say to your brother, could you write him a letter and not send it? That might be therapeutic.

[MsLady]

I think what helps me a bit is to remember that my siblings, too, are victims of narcissistic syndrome.

I didn't think your brother dismissed you (but I'm not sure what tone he conveyed) but rather acknowledged your feelings by giving you a hug and letting your sisters understand your point of view.

It sounds like either you were the "neglected" child or the "scapegoat" .. very likely, both.

Maybe have another open conversation with your brother. Maybe he needed time to process what you shared. After all, he was on his way to the airport. See if you can make ammends.

Truth is, if your mom is a true narcissist, she likely spent years in her motherhood brainwashing your siblings to believing you were the problem. She needed their sympathies, much like water, to survive.

I think awareness is hugely helpful in breaking this cycle. I adopted the Attachment Parenting model and am hyper sensitive to ensure my children are treated equally.. not only by me, but by everyone. Maybe you can take a peek and see if it resonates with you.

At this point, if your siblings refuse to reach out to you, after learning about your viewpoints, it's best to continue the low-to-no contact with them. It's hard, I know. You can't single-handedly change a life long pattern of dysfunction. You'll hurt yourself trying.

Love your kids. Learn more about NPD and understand that you were not the problem. Due to your mom's trauma, she was unable to love any of her children. You may think she was able to love your siblings but once you dig deeper, you'll understand they were victimized themselves.

Big hugs to you. I can really relate with your story. PM me if you need to chat. All the best!

[Open Eyes]

Hi Mattie welcome to Psych Central.

I Am sorry you were unable to get any real validation and closure for yourself when your mother passed. I know that the one brother you were able to talk to really disappointed you when he did not respond to what you shared with him. Please know this is not because his choice was to dismiss you but instead more about how he did not know how to validate and comfort you. That is typically the curse a narcissistic parent leaves behind in their children.

I am also very sorry that even at your mothers end she would not acknowledge or admit her wrongs with you. Unfortunately all too often that does happen.

It’s a heavy thing to work through have you talked to a therapist at all about these challenges you have shared here?

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc

[Rohag]

Hello, Mattie01. I read your post with interest; thank you.

Originally Posted by Mattie01

How do I rewrite the show for my life and my daughters???? How do I not repeat any role in this play????

Asking these questions is an excellent indication that you will find ways, even if those ways are not immediately apparent, to stop the intergenerational pattern.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Mattie01. I read your post with interest; thank you.

Asking these questions is an excellent indication that you will find ways, even if those ways are not immediately apparent, to stop the intergenerational pattern.

How do I not repeat any role in this play?


Good post... how not to repeat the harmful patterns imposed upon us by abusers in early childhood and beyond. Whether to other generations or to any other people. Since all humans are worthy of respect.

I agree, asking these questions is an excellent indication that you will find ways to stop the pattern of... for want of a different word.. harm.

[Travelinglady]

I went to therapy to help me end the pattern. That's what I suggest, Mattie01. Welcome, dear one!