[DePressMe]

Last night I had a great therapy session. I am working with my inner child and I have finally started to not hate her—I am starting to accept her as a part of myself. Although it is hard for me, I am trying to reach out and give her the attention and love that she has deserved for the past 36 years.

Last night I cried—that is something I don’t do very often—I cried at the overwhelming sadness that surrounds my abuse and the poor child that had to endure it. I can close my eyes and see her loneliness and her pleading eyes…she just wants to be loved—to be held and comforted—to be understood. It is so hard for me to reach out and love her—its like I don’t know how—I am also scared to do it—scared of what might happen—scared that I will lose control and the sadness and loneliness will engulf me. And yet, keeping this part of myself walled off keeps me from being able to connect with and love others.

I am struggling with being intimate with my partner. We have been together for 6 and ½ years and I still cringe at the thought of physically expressing my love for him. Sex is not a problem. Lying around in bed with him and being affectionate after sex is a problem. It is so hard for me to be close to him—its like either I don’t know how or I am just too scared to do it. Sometimes, I have to just grit my teeth and force myself to express my love.

This also plays out in my other relationships. I have very few long term friends. Matter of fact, I have very few friends—it is difficult for me to connect with people and to stay connected with them. My feelings seem to shut off. I have great compassion for people—including my friends, but when it comes to me allowing myself to be close to them, I get scared and run.

Right now, I have a person in my life who understands me and I find our exchanges to be so rewarding and full of love. Sometimes, it scares me, but overall, it feels really good. I think their understanding and acceptance of my inner child has helped me to come to accept her a little bit more.

I am very thankful for the people in my life and I hope I can continue to work on this because I truly do want to experience intimacy with my partner and with my friends. When I say intimacy with my partner and friends, I mean to form a lasting, enduring friendship/relationship where I can accept the love they have to offer and show my love in return.

I will stop babbling now…I just feel like I am on the verge of a great stride forward and yet I am afraid I might falter…I am scared I will run from the love I so desperately want.

((((((DepressMe)))))) I identify with you allot. Im glad you are accepting every part of yourself more and more.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( DePressMe ))))))))))))))

[Cyran0]

The courage that takes is amazing. Watching your progress D, it's inspiring.

Cyran0

You inspir me also......I can identify with everything you are saying.......you are strong and I know you will do this.....please keep us posted, you are so brave, and maybe it is helping talking about it to us too.......I know yuo are helping me sweetie.....a few steps behind you

Kerry xxxxxx

[jefftele]

hi i can sure identify with what you say, i agree about the inner child, for me my inner child was and probably still is if i stratch away, desperate for love, yet didn't get it, it set me up to have extreme anxiety especially in the matters of love, i bounced from being so needy to isolation, after a painful divorce after a 27 year marriage i am terrified in getting intimately close to people, the split caused a severe breakdown and with hindsight i look back and see that it was a replay in some way of my early years.--the issue of closeness/abandonement, i have lots s friends who i only allow myself to get close to. i make rationalisations that i don't want a relationship as i couldn't stand the pain again, if it split its not the truth though i long for a loving relationship. i imagine that i would be honest about my difficulties if i was to meet someone,there is nothing worse about hiding from each other, we all have difficulties, especially in the matters of love!! if i accept something in myself i'm no longer fighting it, thats the theory and my experience seems to be true, good luck

[Kiya]

maybe not run toward love as a first step, but maybe stop running and let love catch up with you?

[Cthomas]

I totally understand where you are coming from. Its hard for me to let anybody in. and even once i let them in its hard to love them back, or let them love me. Its getting easier with therapy.

I give you credit. you are an amazing person. I admire your strength..

Colleen