[ziggy1]

I just don't know what to do anymore? My mom is 82 and i am an

only child. She is so bitter and i know she suffers from

depression and still lives in the past like the 1970's. She

doesn't want to do anything annymore with her friends. She just

started calling me a Mental Case which really hurt me. I do every

thing for her.

Back in 2003 i had a break up with my significant other after 10

years. I moved back here which was probably the worst thing i

could have done! In May of 2007 i tried commiting suicide but it

failed. I was rehabbed and came back home.

She seemed to be nice to me for awhile and even started bringing

me to her church which was kinda nice, although i've never been

that religious. But i enjoyed meeting people and helping out when

i could. I have a very bad social avoidant personality and con-

sider myself basically a looner, unless i'm taking lots of

medication like Valium or xanax that helps get me out.

The winter months are starting to play on my nerves again and

i've been thinking suicidal thoughts again. My Therapist says i

need to get out of here or start getting out more. She says i'm

a good person and deserve better. I would feel guilty leaving my

mother (why i dont know she's abusive and very bitter). She had

affair with her sisters husband for 20 years since i was age 2

and sexual abuse also entered into my life because of it and

forms of weird abuse too. It just wasnt right! I feel trapped

here and just being in the same home i grew up as a child feels

weird and triggery.

Last week i felt so down i started cutting my legs which i never

have done before. It did help take the focus off of my depression

and suicidal thoughts though.

The house is in my name of course if something happens to her.

But i'm starting to really think is it really worth it. I'm not

allowed to got out after 9:00pm and she saw that i was a little

happier when i was going to church, but know she says the church

is brainwashing me. Sometimes i get horrible thoughts about her!

I dont have brothers or sisters and the rest of my aunts are so

so old they really cant do much to help. In the summer i was

got out and walked so it got me out of the house.

Sometimes i have to drink just to relax asnd forget too, i'm

really in need of any suggestions anyone has to offer? Don't know

how much longer i can put up with this. I did think of going on

vacation for a month? She's also nasty to her friends that no

longer care to bother with her....I'm running out of options here

any suggestions, comments, ideas? Anything!! I need a better life

than this....I know she is ill(she has had 3 cancer operations)

but its starting to make me sick

again too.....Ziggy1

[Perna]

Are there any other groups, unrelated to your mother, that you could join; hobbies, interests, clubs, singles groups or something?

I would, at a minimum, hang out at the library a couple hours a day; read, research personal interests, or write, something "different" from what you have done in the past but not so different as to be frightening or difficult.

Did you actually make any friends at the church? Anyone you feel comfortable enough meeting for lunch or an outing occasionally? I have a friend I help do things and she comes with me to help me do things that are difficult for me. it's nice to "trade" needs.

I use to rearrange my house on paper, decide what I'd do with it if money were no object. You might do that with your mother's house if it will someday be yours, imagine what you can sell to get money and how you'll paint or what you'll improve. Do you garden at all? All the seed catalogs come in February and planning a garden to get some air and light and exercise (and fresh vegetables or flowers) can be fun. Think of 2 or 3 small things to try that you might enjoy, buy some little thing for yourself to make the space more your own or to change its triggery/childhood feeling.

[mtd]

Ziggy,

I read your post a few times, taking it all in. It really feels to me like you are too overwhelmed with where you are, tied to a mother who does nothing for you other than remind you of an abusive past and keep it going in the present. I think you need to take three steps.

One, I think you first need to make a specific decision that you are going to take your life back and establish independence for yourself, away from those who hurt you. Until you do that, you cannot begin to fill your life with the healthy relationships you deserve. You need to make the space.

Two, after you make the decision to take back your life, I think you need to set a deadline for yourself, a realistic date by which you will be away from your mother, living your own life. Write it down and resolve not to move that date.

Three, make a list of each main thing you need to do to get yourself away. Then start moving through that list towards your deadline date.

And one last thing, I think you should pick out your own church, one your mom doesn't go to. You deserve to build a life for yourself in a spiritual community that isn't infected by the mother who has been part of your abuse, past and present. You don't have to go with your mother. This can be an important step towards building a life for yourself in your own community.

Hope this helps.

be well,

mtd

[eee523]

I totally agree 100 percent with MTD.

Your mother is 82 and half the things she does she probably does not realize she is hurting you. My mom was the same way. In fact on her death bed she said i was a pain in the a++ . Go figure. Hey you need to take care of yourself, get out and stop feeling sorry for other people even if it is your mother. DO the best you can for her and that is all you can do. ANd the best thing you can do right now is move out. She sounds like she can do good on her own. If you stay you will go out of your mind. Maybe you all could sell the house and move into a duplex where she can be next to you but not in the same house. But the bottom line is you should not feel guilty about anything. Your mother loves you...She just does not know how to express that. Its just the way they are back in the day. I went through the same thing with my mom. But she has passed on years ago and i just think of the good times we had and I forget the bad....

[sabby]

((((( ziggy1 )))))

Two years ago, I was in a position similar to yours with having to care for my elderly aunt. She was 92 and very very stubborn. Older folks do suffer from depression as their bodies and minds are changing with age and coming to terms with how they lived their lives and how close they are to the end of their lives. They will lash out in ways we don't deserve and don't understand. They cannot "see" that they are depressed and sometimes will fight that notion as their perception of depression is from many years ago when depression was almost a taboo subject. They were taught to suck it up and deal. Today, depression is looked at in different and more accepting ways then back when she was growing up (for the most part that is).

It sounds to me like you are torn between being a good son and caring for your mom and also trying so hard to do self care. Unfortunately, your situation is leading to much heartache as neither of those situations are moving forward and bad feelings are growing.

Has your mom been for a physical lately? Does she refuse to go to the doctors? If she doesn't refuse, my suggestion would be to get her in for an exam to make sure she is physically ok and to let the doctor know (and you have every right to talk to the doctor regarding this) that her demeanor is not healthy and you fear she is depressed.

There are agencies out there that work with the elderly and help them to maintain in their own homes for as long as they safely can be there. You could call your local city/town offices to see if there are any programs that would be available for her....also your state may have a Senior agency that helps too. Networking with her doctors office for more options of help is always a good place to go too.

ziggy, in order to get yourself out from under your mom's control, you must plan for her care once you are away from her. I think you love your mom and you want what is best for her and you are now realizing that you are not able to give her the care that you think she deserves. Once you have some services in place for your mom, it will take a lot of the burden off of you so that you can then look for your own help and decide where you want to be.

Please ziggy, before you both get to the point of making really bad and unhealthy choices for yourselves, do yourself and her a big favor and actively seek assistance for your mom. She will balk at it, she will get angry, but if you are doing this out of kindness, caring and love, then it is the right thing to do.

I had to make the decision that living with my aunt was not conducive to either of our health. It was very difficult and we were both very angry and frustrated. While she was very upset when I told her I could no longer stay and help care for her (she made it very difficult for me to help her), she accepted the fact that she needed to leave her home of 70+ years and go to a nursing facility. She rose to the occasion and did very well until her body decided enough was enough.

I wish you well ziggy.....you deserve to help yourself and in helping your mom's situation, it will in turn help you.


sabby

[ziggy1]

Thank you all for suggestions...im just very sad right now...I cry alot and relive the past which wasnt the best.

Being a boy toy to your moms b/f really can mess u up years later! Thank heavens he is dead...I just worry about my drinking
its not been good lately and i dont wanna get sick again and end
up in the Psychward like in the may of 2007.

Thanks again all!

[scott88keys]

Ziggy--rough times, sorry you're going through them.
MTD has really good advice.
How old are you? You have to be home by 9:00?! Are you 16? Or are you an adult? Do you have a job? Are you financially able to go to school and get into a career?

It seems to me that you and your mother are really emeshed together and it's just not healthy. Golly, I really think you'd be better off not living there. Set some boundries. If she needs help, can you hire some? Maybe you could decide to visit once a week or something to do chores.
Are you seeing a therapist? What's his/her take on your situation?
About the drinking--get a grip, man. You were hospitalized less that a year ago, you live in an unhealthy environment, you are dealing with abuse in your past, you're hurting yourself AND you're drinking? That doesn't sound like good self-care. I'm not judgemental against you--cuz there are times I drink against my better judgement, too. But you might want to think about making a different choice.

One thing I found helpful. When I was in the hospital, my caseworker told me to think of it like it was a heart-attack--even though it was a suicide attempt and I was in a psychiatric facility. If one goes through a heart-attack, they have to make life-style changes if they expect to get better. Change what you can in your life, Zig, for the better. Your mom is bitter--that's her choice. You're in danger of ending up bitter in old-age too by putting up with her verbal abuse and living situation. You can't change her, but you can change your reactions to her. Like not believing what she says.

I like the advice to seek out a different church. You could find a church with a Saturday evening service. That way you're away from your mom. Then when she goes on Sunday, she's away from you. Enjoy the morning by yourself.