[somebodysomeday]

all i can hear is screaming inside my head
i want to run away but i can't
i don't know where to go
im terrified im a burden on my friends
i can't stop crying
the flashback, the memories, the thoughts.....are haunting me...
they follow me everywhere
even in my sleep
when im driving
when im working
when im reading
when im smoking
i can't sleep anymore
i can't relax
i can't breathe
I can't stop crying
i'm crying every single day for hours and hours
my mind is raging with screams....my screams...
i can hear my screams from when i was a child
screaming over and over and over
it doesnt stop
i can't think clearly
im sad
i want to be dead
i want to live
i want to survive
but im not strong enough
i can't handle it
its every single day
someone will help me and ill feel ok
but it wont last
it will all come flooding back
i want to hurt myself
i want to dissociate
i want to scream
i want to tell my mum
i want to scream at her
i want to scream at him
i want to cry
i want my friends to hug me
i want them to hold me
i want them to never leave me
coz im so so so so so so so so scared that i wont get thru this
i've failed everything else...why would i succeed now..
i want to dissociate forever so i never come back to reality
i want to sleep forever...
i want help....
im desperate.....
i can't stop crying

When times are like this and I know too
You need something to get you through
Lean on us dear friend please hear
that we have gone through the same fear...
I want to rage at my abusers
Scream and shout that they're all losers.
But I know you will be strong one day
Please listen to what I have to say....
I hear your hurt, your cries your pain
I feel every second of all that strain,
But inside we all have a spirit who fights
A guiding spirit through long days and nights...
Breathe, breathe be calm until
you can sit and think and be so still.....
Think about the beautiful things
and the life ahead and what joy it will bring...
It wont always be like this you see
I know, I've been there, please look at me
and see someone who is slowly but surely healing
I don't underestimate the way you are feeling
Don't ever let them win my friend
Because you will be the strongest in the end.....

Thinking of you, holding your hand and wishing you well, if you're not in therapy please find someone proffessional to talk to....I left it far too long......love, Jinnyann xxxxxx

[pachyderm]

It really is past. This is now. Can you look at it -- not deny it -- but study it from your present point of view? I think it would be better than repeating it.

Learn about it. Study it. Defeat it.

[somebodysomeday]

i went to get therapy..i went to casa..its a place to help me...i had an interview..i told them everything...i opened up..asked for help...cried out for help...they said they'd help me...they said don't worry..they said they'd make apppts for me...they said they'd call me...but the abandoned me.....i havnt heard a thing...whatever...

you have to keep on at them, keep fighting...make a noise....in the UK it's the only way....just keep trying where you are...I'm sorry you are going through this....

Jinny xx