Deprogramming Myself After Narcissistic Abuse

Hello,

From what I have seen, narcissists (and other abusers) trap their victims by punishing self-care and rewarding self-sabotage. This results in the victims becoming afraid of improving themselves and feeling safest when they are self-harming. The result is a disempowered and dependent victim who believes the abuser when they say "you're so useless/worthless that you can barely take care of yourself, and nobody but me is ever going to be able to tolerate you enough to take care of you either. I'm the only one who can keep you alive, so you have to stay here and put up with my abuse, because the alternative is death".

For example: every time you sit down to study/work, the narcissist starts practicing their instrument, working out, or vacuuming in the same room as you, and if you ask them for silence, they throw a fit about how you're stopping them from taking care of their (or your) basic needs. Or they ask you for help with something, or say you're neglecting them, or the subject you're pursuing is worthless, or your posture is bad, etc. etc. etc.

Or maybe you decide to eat healthier, and every time you start cooking, they come over and say that they were about to use the stove, and now that you're using it, they'll just have to eat a microwave meal, so it's your fault they're unhealthy. Or they walk past and say "way to make me feel fat", or "geez, starting a diet without me? I thought we were going to get healthy together", or "you think you're so much better than me, eating like an instagram fitness influencer. You know you're causing people eating disorders by trying to be so skinny".

Or maybe you decide to start exercising, but every time you set up the home-workout DVD, the narcissist comes into the same room and makes a big fuss about how they were about to clean in there (even though they were just in the middle of watching TV in the other room), and now they can't because of you. Or they tell you you look awkward or ugly while exercising, or that you're making them feel fat and unhealthy by exercising in front of them. Or maybe they were clearly in the middle of something else, and suddenly they need the TV, and you're such a horrible person for always hogging it. And if you decide to avoid them by going for a run or the gym, they'll complain about how you're always leaving them alone, or avoiding them, or something.

No matter what it is you're doing, if you try to improve and empower yourself in any way, the narcissist always finds a way to attack you for it.

Meanwhile, they reward you for self-sabotaging behaviour. They always want to have those deep, meaningful conversations with you right as you're going to bed. They're nicest to you when you're skipping classes or shirking work. They only want to hang out with you when you're with your toxic friends. The only gifts they give you feed into addictions. The only time they stop degrading you is when you look and act repellant, and the only time they take care of you is when you're at your absolute worst.

Self-harm becomes your only sanctuary from the abuse, and the moment you stop, they take over for you.

The result of a lifetime of this conditioning is that your subconscious learns that the only way to stay safe from these little attacks is to never succeed at anything. The moment you try do to anything that could lead to success, your subconscious starts sabotaging you: you develop brain fog, become forgetful, start engaging in negative thought-spirals, and convincing yourself that you're worthless and can never succeed at anything. The smallest tasks begin feeling like insurmountable problems that will destroy you if you try to tackle them, and you feel so paralyzed that you can't even take the first step towards them. You feel perfectly ready to accomplish a task until you get started, at which point it suddenly feels like your brain has fallen apart, and nothing makes sense, and you can't remember how to do the thing you were perfectly capable of doing only seconds ago. And now you're addicted to everything you have access to that can take away your energy, make you hate yourself, burn your bridges, or scramble your brain. You become so addicted to self-sabotage that you ruin any progress that you made and your mental and physical health become so poor that you are forced to take a break and stop trying--and the moment you do, the self sabotage shuts off, because it has done its job, and is no longer needed. Now that you're not trying to succeed, your addictions have evaporated. Your mind has cleared. You've stopped dissociating, and your memory has returned. Tasks that felt impossible when you were trying suddenly feel like a breeze now that you're not. It feels like a veil has been lifted and you've woken up from a hellish dream, and can breathe for the first time in years. You're cured! And all it took was forcing yourself to death's door.

Since I was born into a family of narcissists, this cycle has repeated itself in me over and over again for my whole life: I would start forming healthy habits, building my strength and confidence, and then attempt to do something that could result in me leaving my family, and BOOM--dangerously strong mental health problems that destroy everything I have built. The moment I stop fighting--the moment I give up on all the dreams I had had of leaving and accept that I am dependent on my mother, the self-sabotage stops, and I suddenly feel safe, alive, clear, and healthy again. I begin forming healthy habits again, until I am strong enough to pursue a life outside the home, and the second I try, BAM--the self-sabotage is back again.

My whole life, I had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder. When people said that someone was a narcissist, I thought they were using the term as a synonym for 'ego-centric'--that's it. And then, a few years ago, I finally discovered the disorder, became obsessed with researching it, and now I understand what is happening.

The problem is: understanding what is happening does not stop it from happening. I've known for a year or so now why I self-sabotage, and yet I feel powerless to stop it from happening. It feels like I'm one of those sleeper soldiers who was brainwashed to do something dangerous whenever I encounter a certain trigger, at which point my brain switches off and I lose all control of my body, and do something I'll later regret. Sometimes I barely feel conscious when it is happening--like I've been put to sleep and am watching my body in auto-pilot, running around and destroying my life, and I'm just stuck inside of it screaming for it to stop, but nothing I'm doing is working.

I don't know how to de-program my subconscious. I don't know how to force my brain fog to clear when it forms, or shut my addictions down when they start up, or stop feeling scared when I face my workload. More importantly, I don't know how to stop the self-sabotage system from being triggered in the first place. I don't want to have to face the fear and fight the addiction and force myself to do what feels dangerous and impossible. I want to feel the way I do when I'm not trying to succeed, and my brain is finally clear and awake and healthy, and everything comes easily to me, compared to when I'm self-sabotaging. I can succeed so much faster, and with so much ease when I'm not trying to leave my abuser. I can feel like I'm alive, and stable, and safe. I want that feeling to persist even when I am trying to leave, and get even stronger once I have left.

So how do I do it? How do I deprogram a lifetime of subconscious conditioning? All I can think to do is try the opposite of what my abusers did: reward self-improvement and punish self-harm. But I'm only one person. How do I counteract 32 years of the opposite treatment from 4+ people--especially when I'm still living with one of them?

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Sen

Yep. I don't advise waiting until they die, altho that works to an extent. But it wastes so much time. So much of your life.

Btw, you missed one - youre in the kitchen, and they walk thru, telling you how badly what you are preparing smells.

You cannot hide your light under a bushel. You have to get out.

I don't want to wait until they die. I'm trying to get out now, but the harder I try, the harder the self-sabotage boots up. It's really hard to make any progress towards leaving. That's why I'm trying to figure out how to eliminate the self-sabotage system--so that my attempts to leave actually succeed.

Yeah, I've heard it all. My food is too smelly, it looks weird, gross, etc. etc. Literally everything I do is grounds for degradation and guilt, so I sometimes feel completely paralyzed when my 'mother' is around--like the only way to stay safe from her attacks is to do nothing at all.